


Starving For Attention

by wednesdays__child



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Not Nice Beth, Past Child Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 19:49:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 43,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11653530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdays__child/pseuds/wednesdays__child
Summary: With the exception of Jack and Jessica, Aaron Hotchner didn't have much of a family. Sean was in prison, his father dead, his mother estranged, he honestly didn't have any connection to anyone other than his team. He considered his team his family and intended to protect them as such. So when he noticed a change in pattern with one them, he paid attention.But Spencer notices something about Aaron as well and he was worried.Maybe he had a right to be.





	1. It's Only Hunger

**Author's Note:**

> Set in Season 9 up to episode 5 "Route 66".
> 
> Betaed by Dazeventura6. Thanks as always for your wonderful insight and help.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This is about eating disorders and unhealthy relationships with food. If you have an issue with this, please do not read. I've had personal experience with people who have had eating disorders and unhealthy relationships with food so some of these situations are directly from that.

_If we turn away from own pain, we may find ourselves projecting this aversion onto others, seeing them as somehow inadequate for being in a troubled situation. ~ Sharon Salzberg_

 

With the exception of Jack and Jessica, Aaron Hotchner didn't have much of a family. Sean was in prison, his father dead, his mother estranged, he honestly didn't have any connection to anyone other than his team. He considered his team his family and intended to protect them as such. So when he noticed a change in pattern with one them, he paid attention.

It started simply. Spencer always had strange eating habits. Aaron attributed it to the fact that the youngest profiler had to help raise his own mother since the age of ten and then went to college at a very young age - too young for most. College wasn't the best place to make healthy food choices and, at that age, patterns and habits were made, ones that were hard to break even as one got older.

Aaron had seen Spencer subsist simply on Pop Tarts and coffee during cases so he made it a priority to keep an eye on the genius. 

He first noticed it one night during a case in Los Angeles. They had gone out for dinner to a Chinese restaurant. Reid wasn't eating much, seemingly simply pushing his food around his plate with the fork he'd asked for as soon as they were seated. Hotch had made sure to order some Moo Shu Pork because he knew it was Reid's favorite. The younger man piled some on his plate but he never really seemed to eat it. 

Hotch watched and picked up another piece of his Kung Pao chicken. It was his fourth piece so he knew it was going to be his last. He'd had twelve pieces of broccoli as well - two more than he would normally allow himself but it was a rough case and he was hungry. Really hungry.

Seeing Reid playing with his food again, Hotch picked up the vegetable egg roll sitting on his plate before leaning over and placing it on Spencer's plate. He looked up and smiled before picking up the crispy roll and biting into it. 

"Thanks, Hotch," he said around a mouthful of crunchy vegetables.

Then Spencer passed over his potsticker, placing it on Hotch's plate. He stared at it for a moment. It was warm and doughy with a nice crisp bottom, filled with delicious pork and spices. But he couldn't eat it. He'd already eaten too much. But Spencer was watching and it would be rude not to have some, so he picked it up with his chopsticks and took a small bite, smiling around the tasty bite.

"Thanks, Reid."

Everyone went back to eating and talking, so Aaron began to pull the dumpling apart, spreading it out on his plate to make it seem as if he'd eaten more than he really had. It was a trick he had learned to keep others from asking him questions and, this time, it worked just fine.

There were other times he noticed the youngest of them wasn't eating well. He asked Dave about it but the other man just explained it off as Spencer's reaction to the loss of Maeve. Aaron could relate to that. After Haley's death, Jessica often had to put food in his hands to just to get him to eat, even going so far as to set reminders on his phone so he wouldn't forget when she wasn't around.

He tried not to be concerned, but the thought was always there in the back of his mind. 

During the case in Glendale, they were sitting in the Police Station, just Hotch and Reid, as they tried to piece the case together. Morgan had gone out and picked up sandwiches for everyone. Reid had tuna salad and Hotch had roast beef. Spencer’s sat nearly untouched, only a bite or two was taken out of it. Aaron picked apart his sandwich, pulling out the meat after scraping off the mayo - he couldn't have mayo, too many calories - he ate that with the lettuce and tomato piled on top. He took two bites of the cheese - pepperjack, his favorite - before attacking the pickles in the small tub inside his box. He always asked for extra pickles - they were crunchy and salty and were only five calories a piece so he could enjoy them without feeling guilty. 

He held onto the bag of chips after placing the bread and cheese he didn't eat in the bottom of the box, covering it with a napkin and placing the box to the side. He walked over to Reid and placed his bag of chips next to the empty one Spencer had already devoured. 

"Salt and vinegar are your favorites, right?" he asked.

"Yeah," Spencer replied with a smile. "You're sure you don't want them?"

"I'm not going to eat them. If you don't, they are just going to go to waste."

"Okay." Spencer paused after opening the bag and popping a chip in his mouth. "Did you eat at all?"

"Oh yeah. Roast beef. Morgan knows me."

Spencer smiled up at him. "Good. I just wanted to make sure, Hotch. Sometimes you don't eat so well while we are on cases."

Aaron was oddly proud that Spencer had even noticed.

"Thanks, Reid, but I'm fine."

The young genius nodded then and Aaron wandered away to try and solve this case, his stomach growling as he went. But he pushed that need to the back of his mind. He could wait a little bit longer, it was nothing but a little bit of hunger. He had control over it, unlike so many other things in his life. 

Garcia was notorious for ambushing them when they came home from difficult cases. Cookies, cupcakes, brownies, hell she'd even had pizza ready for them once when they came back after a really tough case. 

Coming back from Texas was hard and Hotch was restless on the jet. Killing an Unsub was part of the job and he'd done it several times, but it never got any easier. He was always a little keyed up after a shooting but going back and using his skills from SWAT had worked him up something awful. the team had congratulated him on a job well done, impressed with his skills. Morgan commenting twice about how he had been able to snipe a sniper. It didn’t make him feel any better. He'd had three cups of coffee on the plane and his stomach was protesting all the acid in his belly with no food to calm it. So when they entered the bullpen and saw the bright woman waiting for them with her smiling face and a tray of yummy looking treats, he winced.

"Wow!" JJ exclaimed, picking up a brownie before taking a large bite. "What are these for?"

"Coming back from Dallas, I thought you guys might need a treat. Besides, the Boss Man looks like he's losing some weight. Gotta fatten him up a little. We already have a skinny boy on the team. We don't need two."

She placed a treat in his hand, a salted caramel blondie, his favorite, before patting him on his cheek and passing the tray around. 

"She's right, you know," Reid said, coming to stand next to him. After he'd taken a tiny nibble of the turtle brownie in his hand, Spencer asked, "Are you okay, Hotch? You're down at least a pant's size."

He tried not to preen at the comment but he was sure his chest puffed up at the declaration. He was happy that the team had noticed, especially Reid. He was going to have to go to the tailor soon to have his suits taken in. He was down from a thirty two to a twenty eight in his pants. His belts were almost not helping anymore and he’d had to pull out some shirts he hadn't been able to fit into in years. He was insanely proud of his accomplishment but he'd been raised better than to brag about such things. 

"I'm fine, Reid but thank you."

"You better eat that before Garcia starts to think you don’t like her anymore."

Hotch frowned at it for a moment. His stomach flopped and rolled at the thought of the sugary treat in his belly. He looked at the giver of the treats and smiled. "It looks amazing, Penelope, but I had too much coffee on the jet and I don't know if I can eat this right now."

"No worries, Mon Capitan. I made extra just for you."

Aaron fought to smile back. He would take them home for Jack and Jessica. She always loved it when he brought treats home, especially Garcia's treats. 

"Thank you, Penelope."

Accepting the tray of sweets didn't placate the woman, however, and Aaron found himself with a matching plate in his office. He'd tried to sneak them home, but she seemed to be watching him like a hawk. He stared at the plate as his stomach growled. He'd been so good all day. He had eaten one boiled egg, half a cucumber and a black coffee for breakfast and half a grilled chicken breast with half a cup of pico de gallo for lunch. He could have a bite of one of the treats. Just one bite wouldn't hurt. 

He picked up the blondie before lifting it up to smell it. It smelled so good, rich and sweet and decadent. 

Just one bite.

He took a small bite and the delicious flavor burst over his tongue. Sighing, he slowly began to chew. It was sweet and gooey, the caramel buttery and rich with the grains of sea salt adding to the experience. They were crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. Before he knew it, he had finished one and had started on a second. He was reaching for a third when he caught himself, stopping his hand as it hovered over the plate. Mentally, he calculated how many calories he had just consumed. Garcia never did anything by halves so it had to have been real butter and lots of it, the best sugar and vanilla. She baked them thick and cut them wide so these weren't just regular treats. These had to be at least eight hundred calories a piece, maybe even a thousand or more. He’d just eaten close to two thousand calories without even blinking an eye. He cursed himself for his weakness. He'd been so good, had been so careful and now he'd blown it. 

But he knew how to fix it. 

He stood and picked up his jacket, wrapping it around him like a shield to hide how the clothes were hanging off of him. He made his way to the bathroom at the end of the hall, the one that only he and Rossi regularly used. Making sure he was alone, he leaned over the toilet before sticking his finger down his throat and unloading the contents of his stomach into the bowl. Once he was sure he was rid of all the offending food, he stood and flushed away all the evidence of what he had done.

He quickly splashed water on his face and rinsed his mouth out. Leaning over the sink, he gagged once more, a small pain flaring in his abdomen. He disregarded it as residual pain from vomiting and went back to his office. 

Sitting down at his desk, he quickly found the work boring and distracting. He was completely unable to concentrate so he decided a nap was in order. As he drifted off on his couch, he wondered why he was having a hard time catching his breath. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind as sleep took him. 

"No!" he gasped as he woke suddenly. If the darkness outside was an indication, he had slept for a while. He quickly called Jessica to let her know that he was on his way until the Amber Alert came through. They had a case and he was needed. Standing was a chore and his head began to swim. He just needed something to eat, maybe some coffee. He'd be fine in a little while.

Making his way into the round table room, Aaron remained standing while the case was being presented. He was afraid to sit, worried that he'd feel this wave of lightheadedness when he stood again. The voices around him began to swirl and distort but still he powered forward, just like he always did.

"She's been missing for over five hours and we know how time sensitive these cases are.” He swayed on his feet. “The Amber Alert is expanding?" His head began to swim. "Every hour..." He swallowed hard. He needed to sit down. "Excuse me." He reached for the chair and missed. As he tumbled to the floor, he heard panicked voices all around him just before everything went black.


	2. Get Your Kicks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue taken directly from the episode "Route 66". No copyright infringement is intended.

Aaron looked around startled by his surroundings. He was dressed in a hospital gown in the backseat of Rossi's car. He wanted to ask what was happening, why he was here, but nothing would come out. 

They pulled up in front of a theatre and Aaron looked at the marquee

_Now Playing Decisions Decisions_

emblazoned in lights. He stepped out the car and made his way to the doors.

Inside, a bright red balloon appeared before him and then the hospital gown was gone, replaced with a pristine, beautiful tux. It used to fit him like a dream, tailored to fit his body perfectly, but now it hung on his slimmer frame.

He followed the balloon inside, pulled forward by the single occupant in the seats. He stopped when he was even with the row, frozen on the spot as he stared at his dead ex-wife. Haley turned to smile at him, radiant and warm.

"Hi Honey!" she greeted happily. "I saved you a seat."

"You look so beautiful," he whispered.

"You're not so bad yourself. Although, if I remember correctly, you used to fill that suit out a bit better than this."

"I've lost some weight."

"Some? Oh, Aaron, you know you could never lie to me."

He sat down and took her hands in his own. "I miss you."

"I know."

The sound of a projector starting pulled her gaze away from him and Haley gasped, "Ooh, it's starting."

They turned to watch the screen and Jack's smiling face shone bright as he cheered Aaron on during the race.

"Oh, look how happy he is. He's gotten so big."

"He has and he's amazing. But I'm not enough."

Haley sighed. "Stop beating yourself up. You're a great dad. You always have been."

Aaron felt the wetness on his cheeks. He hadn't cried like this in a very long time. "It gets hard and I'm all alone."

"No, you're not."

"Jack misses you too."

"Well, then you should talk about me more. You should talk more period. Not just to Jack but to your team."

She reached up to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. "He's not like you. He needs to hear the words, _they_ need to hear the words." 

Then Jack was there, scoring his soccer goal. Haley's excitement and happiness made him smile. Jack deserved his mother and Aaron's life had denied him that. It ate at him every single day. 

Beth came on the screen then.

"Ooh, who's that?"

"That's Beth."

"She's cute."

Aaron paused not sure how to respond to that. He watched the screen, seeing the smiles and laughs he and Beth had shared. 

"Excuse me," he heard next to him as someone else squeezed into the aisle. It wasn't until he sat and removed his hood that Aaron realized that it was George Foyet. 

"What is he doing here?" he growled.

"Oh, it's okay," Haley assured him. "I invited him."

"Oh yeah," Foyet chuckled. "I wouldn't want to miss this."

A scene came on the screen, not long after Beth and Aaron started training together. They were standing by Aaron's car, having just come back from a practice ride. Aaron was snacking on a recovery bar when Beth snatched it from his hand.

"Are you sure you should be eating this?" she asked.

"Yeah, I eat these all the time after my workouts."

"These are just glorified candy bars. This must be why you're a little chubby."

"What?" he asked, shock coloring his voice despite the smile on his face. "I'm not chubby."

"Well," Beth said as she poked him around his belly button. "Maybe chubby isn't the right word. Doughy? Is doughy any better?"

She giggled as she darted away, her eyes twinkling with mirth. Aaron remembered that day. He never bought those bars again even though they had always been his favorite.

The scene changed again. It was Valentine's Day, technically their first date. They'd had such a nice night - dinner, drinks and a nice talk. It was the start of something. 

He watched as he leaned back in his seat after finishing his steak. "Oh my goodness. That was so good."

"My god, Aaron. I cannot believe you ate the whole thing. That was a twenty-two ounce steak! I'll bet this will cut at least two minutes off your time for the tri. All that muscle, while good in the field, has got to be slowing you down."

Aaron just laughed, rubbing his belly lightly. "I'll work it off, don't you worry."

"And let me guess, you want dessert?"

"I'll share," he teased. 

"Not a chance," Beth laughed back. "If you want to get fat, knock yourself out, but I have to keep an eye on my figure. I care about how I look."

"I'm glad," Aaron said, smiling at her. He liked how she looked and she was right. He didn't need dessert. And he should probably start eating less. It would be good for him to lose a few pounds. 

"Ouch," Foyet said, laughing lightly. "Is she really that good in the sack that you would put up with that or has it just been that long and you're hurting for it."

"Shut up." Aaron growled back.

Aaron watched scene after scene, each more painful than the last.

Aaron leaning against the headboard with Beth's head resting on his chest. She whispered in a sing-song voice, "Buddha belly, buddha belly," while she rubbed little circles on his perfectly flat stomach.

Going out to a coffee shop and Aaron ordered a croissant. The look on Beth's face was one of obvious disdain. He only ate half and tossed the rest. The praise she gave him felt so good he was smiling for the rest of the day. 

After a tough case, Aaron ordered a pizza and ate one piece after the other. It was so good - hot and melty and he just couldn't stop. When he finally finished after the fourth slice, Beth just laughed. "If I ate that much, I would be so sick. I'd have to throw it all up just to feel better.” So he did. He threw it all up and he felt better. He felt so much better.

Ice cream with Jack and he would just watch as the boy devoured his cone, offering Aaron some but he always declined. 

Faking an upset stomach to keep from eating at Rossi's.

Fixing food that he refused to eat. 

Feeling stressed or guilty over everything he put in his mouth. Counting every calorie, painstakingly researching the ingredients of every one of his favorite meals, shunning his formerly favorite eateries, and turning down invitations to go out with the team for meals or drinks, afraid that they would pressure him into eating or that someone - Spencer, most likely - would catch on and discover his secret. They were all profilers, after all.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Foyet whispered as he leaned over and around Haley to point the gun at Aaron's abdomen. Pulling the trigger, Aaron gasped at the pain that tore through him. He felt ripped apart and exposed, like someone was rearranging his insides. He gasped and pulled off his jacket, pressing it to his wound.

"Haley!" he cried. "Help! Somebody help me! I can't stop the bleeding!"

"Would you pipe down a little bit," Foyet complained. "The best part is coming on."

Haley turned and smiled at him. "He's right, you know. The best part is coming."

Aaron looked up at the screen and saw the team around him. They were standing around, cheering him on as he was coming across the finish line of the triathlon. Smiling and waving signs, all of them there just to support him.

Then there was Spencer, smiling at him, helping him, playing with Jack. The younger profiler had been coming by more and more often, helping Jack with his homework and teaching him little things like magic tricks or setting up science experiments. He smiled at Aaron and Aaron thought that things would be okay. He watched as Spencer brought him things like coffee and toast and hung out in his office while he ate. 

It suddenly dawned on him that Spencer knew. Spencer knew what Aaron was doing, and in his own way, was trying to help.

That thought nearly took his breath away. 

The movie ended.

"That was awesome," Foyet drawled.

"Well, it's time to go," Haley said.

Aaron pulled his jacket away and realized there was no blood, no wound.

"I gotta go take a leak." Then Foyet was standing. "I'll meet you guys in the lobby."

"Well, this was fun," Haley said, leading him out into the lobby.

"I don't want you to go."

"What about Jack?" She turned and looked him square in the eyes. "You wouldn't leave our son a orphan, would you Aaron? He's already lost his mother and your self destructive behaviour is going to kill you. You can't leave him alone, Aaron. He needs you. And your team? What about Spencer?"

"Just a little while longer?" he begged.

"There's no time, Aaron. You have to go back now. I know you're the big boss man but you can't always have your way, you know. Sometimes you just have to roll with it."

"I don't know how."

"Happiness is a choice. So choose."

He followed her desperately as she walked out the door, suddenly back in his hospital gown.

"But how? How do I choose?"

"Get out of your head. The heart is the one that knows so follow it. Follow the one that makes you smile even if it is the unconventional choice. Make _you_ happy, not everyone else."

Foyet came stumbling out then. "Hey I thought we were going to meet in the lobby. This was great! We gotta do this again. Come here, big guy." He hugged Aaron hard while the other man simply stood there letting him. "Take care of yourself. Jeez Louise, loosen up a little bit and maybe eat a cheeseburger or something. And would it kill you to smile. Seriously."

Aaron watched him walk away.

"Take a look at Beth. I worry about you Aaron." Haley took off her wedding ring before stepping forward to place it in his palm. She leaned up and kissed him, soft and gentle. "Goodbye Aaron. And, yes, I still love you too."

Before he could say anything else, she turned and walked away until she was gone. 

He climbed back into the car and they drove away until they faded away into the night.


	3. For All Those Concerned

There was a collective sigh in the jet as Garcia’s bright smile filled the screen of the video conference as she told them that the surgery had been a great success and Hotch was awake. 

“How does he look?” Spencer asked.

“He looks good, you know, for a guy that just got opened up from stem to stern and had to be jump started a few times.” 

A couple of people chuckled but Spencer was still concerned. “Garcia.”

“No, Baby Genius. He looks good. A little weak and maybe worse for wear, but he’s our Hotch. He’ll be right as rain in no time. The first thing he did was ask for his phone so he could call Jack.”

That made Spencer smile. So like Aaron to be concerned for his son before anything else.

“So you should all come right here to see him,” she continued. “He was so sweet when he woke up. He said the cutest thing to me, like I wasn’t going to stay right by his side until I made sure our fearless leader was in the clear. Oh, and Spencer? The doctor said he needed to speak with you.”

“About..?”

“He didn’t say but apparently you are listed as Hotch’s medical power of attorney. It’s probably something to do with the surgery and stuff.”

All eyes turned to him then. “We all shifted our power of attorney when Hotch got attacked by Foyet,” Spencer explained. “I offered to be his. Don’t look so surprised.”

“We just figured Rossi would be,” JJ said with a knowing smile.

“Too obvious,” he replied with a smirk. 

“So anyway, get here quickly so I can run home and whip up a batch of something tasty,” Garcia interjected. “I will not let our poor Hotch subsist on hospital food. He needs some more meat on his bones.”

Spencer agreed but his mind was already wandering to what it could be the the doctor wanted to see him for and what that could mean. It bothered him all the way to the hospital. 

When they arrived, Penelope met them at the entryway to the ward Hotch was staying in. 

“Jack and Jessica are in there now but I think they will be out of here soon since Jack is all sleepy and getting kinda grumpy. He didn’t want to leave with his daddy in the hospital until the team got here to watch over him. Isn’t that the cutest little thing you’ve ever heard? But we should be able to go in and see him in a few. Wanna head that way?”

They all nodded and walked as a single unit toward the room that was now filled with balloons and a rather large, brightly colored flower arrangement, and one unhappy little boy.

“But I don’t wanna go,” Jack complained through his tears. “What if something happens to Daddy in the night and I’m sleeping and I can’t get here in time?”

“Jack,” Aaron whispered, pulling his son in close. “Nothing is going to happen. The doctor’s fixed me all up and even if it did, I’m in the perfect place since I’m already in the hospital.”

“Yeah,” Jessica added with a smile. “And I’ll stay up or put the phone right by my head so that if anyone needs us, we can come right back.”

“I’ll sleep with my clothes on, just in case,” Jack declared, his face set in a perfect Hotchner scowl.

“You do that, buddy. And, hey, look who’s here.”

“Yay!” Jack shouted a little too loud for such a small room before practically leaping off the bed. He rushed toward the team and, surprisingly bypassed everyone else until he crashed into Spencer’s legs.

“Spencer!” the young boy yelled. “Daddy got sick and they had to open him up like you did with the frogs and took some of his guts out but he’s better now and will you stay and watch over him while I go home because they say it’s my bedtime and I can’t stay here and I’m worried if I go something will happen to Daddy?”

Spencer was impressed by the boy’s ability to say so much in a single breath. He reached down to smooth the boy’s hair away from his face and wipe away the tears that had started to fall. Just before he was about to answer, JJ leaned over and whispered, “You dissected frogs with a eight year old?”

“It was an anatomy lesson and I didn’t dissected them _with_ an eight year old. I dissected them _for_ an eight year old.”

“Big difference,” Rossi said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“Thank you,” Spencer replied, obviously missing the tone. “And your dad is right, Jack-Jack. He’s in the perfect place so if anything happens, and it won’t, he’ll been well taken care of. But I’ll stay here, if it’ll make you feel better.”

Jack buried his face in Spencer’s shirt. “Uh huh,” he nodded.

“Okay.” Spencer looked up and smiled at Aaron who watched the interaction between the two of them with a wide, tired smile. “You’d better say goodbye to the rest of the team and then your dad so you can get out of here and into bed. You don’t want to have to miss your bedtime story, do you?”

“No!” Then the young boy was tearing through the hospital room, quickly hugging every one of the team members quickly before scrambling back up onto the bed to give his father a gentle hug and kiss goodnight. 

As Jessica steered the sleepy boy out of the room, Spencer fell in by her side. 

“I’ll walk you out while the team visits with him for a moment,” he explained when she looked up at him. “I need to speak with the doctor anyway.”

Once they reached the elevator at the end of the hallway, she stopped and turned to him.

“Something is wrong,” Jessica whispered, making sure that Jack wasn’t listening in. “He never asked for Beth, not once. Penelope told him that she had left her a voicemail but she still hasn’t called. Who doesn’t call about something like this? He could have died, Spencer.”

“I don’t know, Jess,” he said, his mind working overtime. “You take care of Jack. I’ll stay the night here and I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”

“You do that. And thank you, Spencer. It means a lot knowing that you’re here.”

The elevator pinged and she and Jack stepped on before the younger boy started begging to push the button.

“And make sure he eats something,” she said, adding just before the doors closed, “He looks way too skinny to me.”

She wasn’t the only one thinking it.


	4. Signs

Spencer turned and quickly walked over to the nurse’s station, asking for Aaron’s doctor. When the doctor came around the corner, Spencer shook his hand and introduced himself.

“I was told you wanted to see me?”

“Yes, but let’s do it in here.”

Following the doctor into a private office, Spencer became concerned. This could not be good.

“Is everything alright?” he asked as soon as the door was closed. 

“You’re listed as Agent Hotchner’s medical power of attorney. How well do you know him?”

Spencer thought for a moment. It was an interesting question - one he wasn’t quite sure how to answer.

“I’ve known Aaron for nearly ten years. We’ve been colleagues and friends for a good portion of my adult life. Why?”

The doctor sighed. “There were some interesting observations made post-surgery.”

“Were there some complications with the surgery or something we should be concerned about?”

He was studied for a moment and Spencer did his best not to shrink under the scrutiny. The doctor was appraising him to determine just how much to say.

“Just spit it out,” Spencer finally snapped. “It was a long day, for both of us, I’m sure. Whatever it is you have to say, I can handle it.”

“Well,” the doctor started. “Due to the nature of the situation, we were unable to fully assess Agent Hotchner before the surgery so we didn’t notice anything wrong until he was in recovery. The anesthesiologist had a difficult time inserting the endotracheal tube. We assumed that there was maybe some scar tissue from a previous surgery or other trauma. But after, there were other symptoms that are troubling. Agent Hotchner has several swollen salivary glands in his cheeks, some minor erosion of tooth enamel and it appears he has recently bitten himself on his left index finger. In conjunction with the throat scarring and the the fact that he is nearly forty five pounds under weight for a man his height, I can only come to one conclusion.”

Spencer stood staring as all the facts came crashing over him like a beach at high tide. It couldn’t be. He had to be wrong.

“What are you saying?” he finally asked, unable or unwilling to come the same conclusion himself.

“I believe that Agent Hotchner has an eating disorder,” the doctor said sadly. “Most likely a complex case of anorexia and bulimia.”

The words were like a punch to his gut and Spencer found he needed to sit down. Once he did, the doctor was in front of him with a glass of water and a kind hand on his shoulder. 

“Have you noticed any changes in Agent Hotchner’s behaviour lately?”

Spencer thought back before nodding slowly. “He’s pickier about what he eats. A lot of times he eats by himself in his office or he eats slower than the rest of us. I never thought it was a big deal but he always leaves food on his plate. Always. He hasn’t come out as much as he used to but he says that he needs to stay home with Jack.”

“Have you noticed any odd trips to the bathroom? That’s most likely when he is purging.”

The bathroom at the end of the hall. It was tiny and secluded. Aaron didn’t used to use it, only Rossi did.

“About ten months ago, he started using a different bathroom, one that’s closer to his office.”

The doctor sighed. “This can be a very tricky thing, Dr. Reid. Mostly likely, he’s not going to admit he has a problem. He probably doesn’t even think he has a problem. I have a suspicion that the tearing of the scar tissue in his abdomen was brought on by a purging session. If he had eaten a lot and then inducing a violent round of vomiting, it could explain the trauma. In all honesty, he was a mess inside. The stabbing, the scar tissue? It all contributed to the situation. This might have happened on it’s own in time. But I’d stake my reputation that he caused this himself. If he doesn’t get some help soon, this could become a very serious problem.”

Spencer sat back, taking it all in. It was more than he could believe. He was unsure if he should confront Aaron about this now or wait until he had done some research. Despite the overwhelming evidence the doctor presented, Spencer needed to know for himself.

“Thank you, Doctor,” he said as he stood on shaky legs. “I’ll talk to Aaron and try to decide on the best course of action.”

“Good,” the older man said as he directed Spencer out of the small room and down the hallway. “He’s going to need support and a lot of it. I’ll make sure some literature makes it way to you.”

“I’d appreciate it.”

Spencer stood, staring at the room at the end of the hallway. 

This was not going to be easy.


	5. Packed Full of Stuffin'

The rest of the team was filing out of the hospital room as he made his way toward them. They were smiling and seemed to be in good spirits so Spencer just smiled back as he approached them.

“How is he?” he asked.

“He seems to be holding up well,” Rossi stated. “Tired, obviously, but he’s strong. He’ll recover well from this, I think.”

“What did the doctor want?” JJ asked.

“He just wanted to update me on some things that they noted during and after the surgery.” It wasn’t completely a lie but he couldn’t tell them the whole truth, not until he confronted Hotch. “I’m going to talk to him and figure out how to stay the night. I’m sure he’s going to protest but I promised Jack and if there’s one thing I’m not going to do, it’s lie to Jack.”

They all smiled and nodded but before they could all file past him, Morgan stopped him with a strong grip on his elbow. 

“Reid, no one’s heard from Beth yet, right?”

Spencer shook his head sadly. “Jessica mentioned that Garcia left a message but she hasn’t called back yet. I guess Hotch hasn’t asked.”

“Let’s keep it that way, okay? Man doesn’t need to be stressed about a woman at a time like this.”

“Agreed. I’ll see you tomorrow, Derek.”

Once everyone was gone, he walked over to the nurses station and made a special request. Armed with his supplies, he slipped into the hospital room and smiled at the half asleep man in the bed before him, weak smile on his face.

“Hey,” Hotch greeted.

“Hey yourself.” Spencer settled into the chair closest to the bed. “You gave us a pretty big scare there.”

Hotch shook his head, snorting lightly. 

“I’m sorry. That is definitely something I don’t want to do again. I had the weirdest dream while I was out.”

“Really? What was it?”

He watched as Hotch thought about it for a moment. Confusion and pain washed across his features. “I’m not really sure. I think Haley was there and Foyet, if that makes any sense. We talked and watched a movie or something?”

“You, Haley and George Foyet watched a movie together? That’s what you dream about when you’re dying?”

Aaron laughed lightly at that. It really did sound kind of crazy. “Well, when you say it outloud like that…”

They smiled at each other for a moment before Hotch continued, “You don’t really have to stay, you know. I don’t want to be held responsible for you having a shitty nights sleep just because my son is a little overprotective of me right now.”

“Oh no, Aaron Hotchner. You are not getting rid of me that easy. I promised Jack I’d stay and if there is one thing I am not going to do in this lifetime, it’s disappointing Jack Hotchner. So you’re stuck with me for the night, like it or not.”

“Okay, okay,” Hotch replied, lifting his hands in the air in surrender. “At least you brought yourself something to eat.”

Spencer looked down at the food in his hands. It wasn’t much but it would hopefully give him an answer to the worry plaguing his mind. “Oh, these aren’t for me. They’re for you.”

He reached out and placed the small container of lime Jell-o and the bowl of oatmeal on the small table in front of his superior. 

Aaron stared at the food for a moment like it might jump up and bite him. “I don’t think I’ve been cleared to eat yet.”

“I already talked to your doctor. He said you should start eating as soon as possible.”

Hotch cleared his throat. Spencer could see his jaw working hard. His microexpressions giving away his runaway thought process as Aaron tried to come up with a good excuse not to have the food before him.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Just have a bite, that’s all I’m asking. Just pick one. You don’t have to eat it all.”

“I don’t want to.”

“For me. Please.”

“No.”

Spencer sat in shock, staring at the older man. His voice had trembled and cracked. He wasn’t just scared, he was terrified and in a near panic.

“It’s just Jell-o, Hotch. You loved oatmeal.”

“I can’t,” he nearly growled, pushing the food away with a jittering hand. “If you want it, you eat it, but I won’t. Now if you plan on being an asshole all night, you can just go ahead and leave now. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep.”

Spencer sighed as he watched as Hotch closed his eyes and feigned sleep, even though he could tell from the forced breathing and fluttering eyelids that he was not only faking but he was working hard to suppress a gamut of emotions. He picked up the Jell-o and dug in, quickly emptying the small container before standing to toss it in the trash and turn down the lights in the room. 

It was going to be a long night.

Hell, if Hotch’s reaction was anything to go by, it was going to be a long road ahead. 

Spencer woke the next morning, determined to figure out what he could do to help Hotch, to get to the bottom of all of this. Aaron was already awake and working on his phone, scrolling and scowling at the same time.

“Morning,” Spencer groaned as he stretched and rolled his shoulders. “How did you sleep?”

“Not too bad,” Aaron replied without looking up from his phone. 

“It’s not going to ring if you just keep staring at it.”

Aaron chuckled lightly, finally looking up at Spencer. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to snap at you like I did. It’s just - all of this, everything, seems to be getting to me. I’m going to blame the anesthesia.”

Spencer smiled back at him. This was the Hotch that he knew, not the angry, hungry man from last night. The nurse walked in then, her arms laden with two breakfast trays. 

“Doctor Taylor ordered two trays for this room so I hope you both like oatmeal.”

“Oh boy,” Spencer teased, holding his hands out to accept the tray of food. He watched as the nurse placed the other on the table before Aaron. The other man sat up and smiled as she lifted the lid revealing a small breakfast of oatmeal, toast, coffee and two boiled eggs. Spencer quickly doctored first his coffee, then his oatmeal with the sugar and cream provided on the tray. He watched as Aaron gingerly began to pick at his food. He spread a tiny bit of butter on the toast before nibbling lightly on the corners. Soon, he had dug into the oatmeal, finishing it quickly before picking at the eggs, striping them of the white, which he ate, and leaving the yolks on the plate. 

Spencer waited until he was satisfied that Aaron was honestly going to eat his food before he freely tucked in, savoring the sweet oatmeal and crunchy toast. He was impressed that the other man had nearly eaten all of his food without a single complaint. 

“Damn,” Aaron sighed as he leaned back, his hand resting over his belly. “I was hungrier than I thought.”

“Well, it’s been well over twenty four hours since you last ate. I’d be pretty hungry too.”

They smiled and chuckled at each other as Spencer moved to clear away the trays before settling back in his chair. 

“How did the case go?”

“About as well as can be expected. Got the girl back and her father surrendered without hurting either of them but it was a little scary for a while there. JJ really stepped up and helped out. It was...pretty impressive.”

“That’s good.”

“Hotch, are we going to…”

Spencer didn’t get a chance to finish his thought when Hotch’s phone began to ring. He looked at the phone and, after a moment, began to smile. “It’s Beth.” Spencer nodded as Hotch took the call.

“Beth. I’m so glad you called.”

Spencer did his best not to listen in on the conversation but he could easily hear the woman on the other end of the line. 

“Aaron. Are you alright? I got these crazy voicemails from your coworkers. Things have been super crazy over here. You know how it is when you’re surrounded by all these beautiful models.”

Aaron chuckled lightly. “Actually I don’t know how it is.”

“Oh yeah,” Beth continued. “All these beautiful specimens of the human race just parading around half naked. It makes me miss you so.”

“At least you miss me.”

The giggle over the phone set the hair on the back of Spencer’s neck standing on end. 

“But serious, Pooh Bear, are you alright?”

“I’m a little sore and pretty tired but I’m doing well.”

“Well, at least maybe you’ll lose a little weight. I hear that hospital food is pretty nasty.”

“Actually, it’s not too bad. Reid and I just got done with breakfast.”

There was silence on the line for a moment. “Oh!” Beth’s voice was high and just a little too bright. “Dr. Reid is there?”

“Yeah, he stayed the night...on Jack’s request.”

“He’s such a sweet little boy.”

Spencer hoped she meant Jack and not him.

“Well, I have to go, Aaron. I’ll give you a call tonight. Will you be at home?”

“I’m hoping so. I’ll talk to you soon, Beth.”

“Sure thing, Pooh Bear.”

He hung up and smiled lightly, his head falling back against the pillow. 

“Pooh Bear?” Spencer asked with a smirk.

“Yeah. Because I’m packed full of stuffing.”

The smirk fell away and Spencer silently cursed the woman that he began worry was the root of all of Aaron’s troubles.


	6. Revelations

Breakfast had gone well. Unfortunately, lunch was a different story. The hamburger on the tray was ignored as Aaron picked around the plate of food, only eating the vegetables and zeroing in on the pickles. Spencer prompted the older man to eat several times but Aaron only tried to distract him by engaging in discussions that quickly got Spencer sidetracked. Once the staff came to collect the food trays, Spencer realized that Aaron had employed this particular tactic often and he’d never really noticed.

It was late afternoon before the doctor came in to speak with them both.

Spencer looked up when the doctor entered, asking, “Do I need to leave?”

“Actually, if Agent Hotchner is okay with it, I’d like it if you’d stay.”

They turned to the man on the bed, waiting until Aaron nodded. Once he did, the doctor stepped closer to the bed before continuing.

“You are a very lucky man, Aaron. The internal bleeding was extensive and we had a difficult time finding all the damage and repairing it. It appears that we got everything cleaned up so there shouldn’t be any more issues like this. I would like to keep you here for another day or two for some more observations, just to be on the safe side. I need to make sure that there is no addition bleeding and assure that you have normal bowel functions before you go home. We opened you up pretty well. It’s going to take some time to recover from all of this.”

Aaron nodded solemnly. The doctor turned to look at Spencer then. This was going to be the tough part.

“Also, I need to be sure that you are eating properly before I can discharge you.”

Aaron’s head shot up at that staring first at the doctor, then at Spencer.

“What are you talking about? I eat just fine.”

“We made several observations about you post surgery and I can’t, in good conscience, release you until I know that you will be eating enough to aid in your recovery.”

“Observations? What are you talking about?”

Spencer cleared his throat, catching the Unit Chief’s attention.

“Hotch? Did you make yourself throw up yesterday?”

Eyes wide and suspiciously wet, Aaron gasped at him. “What?!”

“We believe the tearing occurred due to a round of violent vomiting,” Doctor Taylor explained patiently. “The repeated constriction on the abdomen during purging could have aggravated the adhesions, causing the tearing you suffered.”

“You think I did this?”

“There are indications that it wasn’t the first time. You have scarring in your throat and several swollen salivary glands. These are indicators of repeated vomiting.”

“Maybe I’ve been sick and didn’t feel like sharing with the group,” Aaron tried to explain weakly.

“What about this?” Spencer lifted the man’s left hand, pointing out the small bruise and tear from teeth on his index finger.

Aaron looked at his own hand for a moment like it might hurt him at any moment.

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“You hardly ate your lunch today, less than three hundred calories by dietary’s calculations. You won’t heal properly without an adequate diet. I won’t discharge you until I am satisfied that you will eat.”

Aaron sighed and flopped backward against the bed. Spencer could see the tears that threatened to fall, but never quite did.

“I eat just fine,” he finally whispered. Spencer wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, himself or the other two men in the room.

“I didn’t say that you didn’t, Agent. But I won’t release you until I’m satisfied.”

“Can I at least get some non-hospital food?”

Both Spencer and Doctor Taylor smiled.

“Whatever it takes. All I ask is that you inform someone from dietary so they can monitor what you’re eating. I’m not kidding that I won’t let you go until I’m sure you’re eating enough.”

Aaron turned smiling eyes to Spencer. “Thai for dinner then?”

Doctor Taylor laughed. “Nothing too spicy yet. Remember, your insides were on the outside just fourteen hours ago. Give yourself some time. It’s not going to happen overnight.”

“Okay.”

They all smiled at each other for a moment before the doctor patted Aaron on the shoulder. “We will have more to talk about later, but right now, I’m going to speak with Dr. Reid. You should rest.”

Nodding slowly, Aaron leaned back, his eyes slipping shut as Spencer stood to follow Dr. Taylor out into the hallway.

“You didn’t address the eating disorder,” Spencer whispered harshly, upset that the man would let something so crucial just fall to the wayside.

“Not yet. He’s still fragile both physically and emotionally. I want to make sure he is eating first, then we will address it.”

“He nearly killed himself, or do you not remember yesterday?” Spencer surprised himself with the amount of venom in his words but he felt very protective of his superior at the moment.

“I remember very well, Dr. Reid, but if we come at him too hard about this, he will just deny and retreat. Or have you forgotten who we are talking about here? This is the man who deliberately ignored all advice to avoid flying after rupturing his eardrum from an explosion and went back to field work well before his release from light duty after being stabbed numerous times. If we confront him too harshly before he is ready to hear what we have to say, do you really believe he is just going to look at us and say, ‘Yes, you’re right. I have an eating disorder. Thank you for pointing that out. Let’s all go get a cheeseburger.’ You know him better than that.”

And Spencer did. The BAU had always been full of stubborn people, people who didn’t want help, didn’t want anyone seeing them as weak, himself included. The doctor was right. They had to take a gentle approach with Hotch or he was sure to run and hide.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I just…”

“Care,” the doctor completed for him. “I can see that you care. He’s going to need that. This isn’t going to be a easy journey, Dr. Reid. I hope you’re ready.”

Spencer nodded before heading inside. “I hope so too,” whispered to himself.

The next couple of days in the hospital weren’t too bad for Spencer and Aaron. He went home when Jessica came by with Jack so the older profiler could have some family time without him hovering. He took care of a few things, including making sure that he could get time off for personal necessity to help look after Hotch. Strauss was less than happy at the prospect but ultimately, Spencer won out, pointing out that the team was on stand down and only doing paperwork until Aaron recovered unless all the other teams were dispatched.

Aaron had been eating well, going so far as to steal Spencer’s Jell-o from him once just for fun. The dimpled smile beamed at him almost made him forget that Aaron even had a problem at all.

Then the discharged papers came.

Part of Doctor Taylor’s release conditions included follow up with a dietician and a therapist.

“What the hell is this?” Aaron asked, his anger plainly evident.

“I told you that I’m concerned about your eating habits, so a dietician. And what you went through was traumatic. You could find yourself bringing up memories from when you were initially attacked. Besides, I think you need to open up to someone about your eating and your relationship with food.”

Dark brown eyes narrowed as Aaron glared at the man at the foot of the bed.

“You think I have an eating disorder.”

“You show all the signs of…”

“You can just go fuck off!” Aaron yelled, his voice harsh and high. Spencer sat back as if struck by the words himself. “You don’t know anything about it or me! I’ve been eating just fine! I’ve eaten everything you’ve given me. What more do you want? Tell him, Spencer. Tell him I’ve been eating.”

Spencer nodded sadly. “He has.”

Despite the display, the doctor continued to stand his ground. “You have - here. But what happens when you get home and the nurses aren’t there to bring you food and dietary isn’t there to make sure you’re getting enough calories? What happens when Spencer isn’t there taking care of you?”

“I am a grown ass man,” Aaron growled. “I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it pretty well for a while now.”

“Really? Is that why you only have forty five percent of your hearing remaining in your right ear? Or why you’ve lost three feet of your small intestine? Or why your mouth hurts all the time, especially when you eat something too hot or too cold? Or maybe that’s why you’re over forty pounds underweight? Hell, I’ll bet Dr. Reid weighs more than you do right now. I know you, Aaron Hotchner, and you are as stubborn as they come. But you need help this time. Please. I don’t want to see you in here again - not like this. Could you listen to me, just this once? For Jack?”

Aaron continued to glare until he mentioned Jack. Spencer silently released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding as he watched the older man slowly deflate.

“Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll talk to someone. But there is nothing wrong with me.”

Doctor Taylor shook his head. “Just talk, Aaron. Please. If not to the therapist, talk to Dr. Reid. Your life may depend on it.”

The papers were snatched out of the doctor’s hands and Aaron quickly scribbled his signature next to the big ‘X’ before pushing them away again. He turned and looked at Spencer. “Can we get out of here, please?”

When Doctor Taylor nodded, Spencer whispered, “Sure thing, Hotch. Let’s get you home.”

The drive back to Aaron’s apartment was somber and silent. Spencer could practically hear the thoughts screaming through Hotch’s mind. He knew the other man was trying to figure out a way out, trying to save face somehow and not admit to his problem. He was determined not the let Aaron hide away and possibly hurt himself even more.

Helping the older man to his apartment, he quickly got Hotch settled on the couch, waiting for Jessica to come by with Jack. Heading toward the kitchen, Spencer called out, “Can I get you anything? You need to make sure you don’t get dehydrated. I can bring you some water or make some tea, if you’d rather. Maybe something to eat?”

He heard a mumbled response from the other room.

“Pardon me?”

“I said,” was shouted back to him. “I’m not hungry.”

Spencer smiled as he walked back into the room with a bottle of water in each hand. “You haven’t eaten in hours. You must be hungry.”

“Jesus Christ,” Hotch complained. “Not you too.”

“Not me too what?”

“You’re going to get on me about this whole eating thing. I do not have a problem, Spencer. I can’t believe you are buying into what the doctor said.”

“Aaron,” he said as he sat next to the older man, setting the water bottles down on the coffee table before them. “This isn’t a competition. It isn’t you against them - whoever them might be. I am here to support you and it was a simple question. You haven’t eaten in a while and you do need to eat.”

The fight seemed to drain out of him as Spencer watched. Aaron flopped back onto the couch, throwing an arm over his eyes. “I don’t want to eat, Spencer. Please. Please don’t make me.”

Spencer watched as the normally strong, stoic Unit Chief seemed to devolve into a small, sad man, curling into himself. It broke his heart to see him like this. He reached up and pulled the arm down to look into the sad, deep brown eyes.

“Aaron, I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want but you need to eat. You know that. We are worried. Please, please don’t completely close yourself off. You need to choose something good for you. Choose happiness.”

He sat up then, probably faster than he should have with his injuries, gasping at the pain at the pull of his staples. “What did you say?”

Spencer stared at him in shock, unsure what had set the other man off. “I said you need to choose something good for you.”

“Choose happiness. That’s what you said.”

Spencer nodded slowly.

“I-I’ve heard that before.”

“Well then listen. You deserve to be happy, Aaron.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Are you? Really?”

They sat staring at each other for several long minutes before Aaron gaze fell away. Spencer was considering pressing forward, wanting to get to the root of the problem but there was noise coming from the hall and the door was opening. Jack burst through, followed by his aunt, then suddenly Spencer had a lapful of enthusiastic little boy.

“Spencer!” Jack shouted. “You’re here! Are you staying for dinner.”

“Inside voice,” Spencer said quietly, smiling when the boy just smiled back at him. “And yes, I’m staying for dinner. What would you like to eat?”

“Can we have your special Mac and Cheese?”

He turned and looked at Aaron who just smiled and nodded back.

“Sure Buddy. I’ll go make sure I have everything I need. You wanna stay here and take care of your dad for me?”

“Yeah! I’m gonna take the bestest care of him. I promise.”

He couldn’t help but smile at the enthusiastic boy. “I’m sure you will.” He looked at the Unit Chief, winking at him before turning away. “Listen to the little man, Hotch. I’d hate to get on his bad side.”

Hotch laughed then before pulling his son to his side.

Spencer walked into the kitchen and braced himself over the sink, hanging his head down and trying to catch his breath. He felt like he had been so close to a breakthrough with the older man before they were interrupted. It was so hard to break through his hard, outer shell that Spencer wondered when he would get that close again. He was worried about Hotch - really worried. He felt a warm hand on his back, rubbing across his shoulder blades. He turned and smiled at Jessica who was regarding him with concern in her eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Spencer replied quietly, listening to the two Hotchner men in the other room debate over which movie to watch, Lilo and Stitch or the Emperor's New Groove. He knew which one would win - Jack loved Gronk. “Yeah. I’m alright.”

“Is Aaron alright?”

Spencer shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m worried about him. I have my suspicions but he’s so…”

“Aaron?” She finished for him with a sad smile on her face.

Spencer snorted a quick laugh. “Yeah. He’s almost as hard headed as me.”

“Oh god, that’s a scary thought,” she teased. Squeezing his shoulder gently, she walked to the refrigerator before opening it up and sticking her head inside. “How about salad and grilled chicken to go with the Mac and Cheese?”

He nodded. He could do this. He could be there for Aaron and Jack and Jessica. He could figure this all out and help, just like Hotch had helped him when he needed him, when the cravings for dilaudid became nearly too much and all Hotch did was encourage him to see the rest of his movie. It was subtle but full of understanding and forgiveness. He could do that for boss and friend now. “Sounds good,” he said with a smile.

As she walked past him on the way to the pantry, she laid a gentle hand on his arm before whispering, “We’ll all help him. It’s what you do when you love someone.”

Love? Spencer froze, shocked by that single word. Did Jessica think he loved Hotch? That was crazy. They were friends and colleagues. He didn’t love Hotch, did he? She laughed at him then, shaking her head as she pulled the elbow pasta out of the cabinet and handed it to him.

“Men,” she whispered to herself as she walked away and Spencer began to wonder how good of a profiler he truly was.


	7. The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Dinner was a loud and raucous event with an active eight year old at the table. Jack was a force of nature and was constantly asking questions and engaging everyone at the table. Spencer marvelled at the pure joy the boy could spread just by being his charming, curious self. 

However, because everyone was focused on Jack, no one was watching Hotch and Spencer saw immediately how everyone had missed the obvious way the man was denying himself. Aaron passed on food as it came to him, filling Jack’s plate instead of his own nearly every time it came around to him. Extra scoops were passed from Aaron’s plate to Jack’s lips, the older man feeding his son in what was clearly a fun family game. But all of that resulted in Aaron only eating about a quarter of the food that was on his plate, but if you hadn’t been watching, you would have been none the wiser. 

But Spencer was watching, especially now that he knew what to look for. 

Once they were all finished, he asked Jessica to help Hotch back into the living room to rest while he and Jack cleared the table. Jack did his best, picking up all of the non-breakable items and placing them either on the counter or in the sink, with Spencer’s help. Then he wiped down the table with the cloth that Spencer handed him before running up to the young genius, declaring to the room, “All clean!”

Spencer began to rinse off the dishes to place in the dishwasher when he realized Jack had not left to go sit with his father. He turned, shocked to see the young boy watching him with sad, wary eyes.

“Jack? Is everything okay?”

The boy nodded, his eyes dropping to the floor.

Spencer knelt down to his level, trying to make eye contact. “Jack? What’s up, Buddy?”

“Can I ask you a favor?” Jack whispered so quietly that Spencer had to lean in close to hear him.

“Of course you can,” he said, smiling and wondering if Jack was about to ask for popsicles or ice cream. “You know you can ask me anything but sometimes I have to check with your dad first about some things.”

The response he got was one he certainly wasn’t expecting. 

“Can you go buy my dad some new shampoo?”

“Shampoo?” Spencer asked. “Why would your dad need new shampoo?”

“The one he has makes him throw up.”

Spencer froze, the revelation like a punch in the gut. 

“It makes him throw up? How do you know that?”

Jack sighed, a soft, sad little sound. “Sometimes, right after dinner, Dad goes to take a shower. Then I hear him barfing. I asked him if he was sick and he said he’s ‘lergic to the shampoo and it makes him barf.”

“Allergic,” Spencer corrected automatically, his mind already spinning out of control with the possibilities. “Why don’t you go and sit with your dad. You guys can finish the movie and I’ll go check your dad’s shampoo to make sure it doesn’t have anything weird in it, okay?”

“‘Kay.” Jack launched himself at Spencer then, wrapping his little arms around Spencer’s neck and squeezing him in a big hug. “Thanks, Spencer.”

Once the boy darted out of the room, Spencer stood on shaky legs. Hotch was throwing up, was doing it and lying to his own son about it. He quickly finished putting the dishes away before drying his hands and slipping past the sweet family scene - father, son and aunt watching a movie together, laughing and quoting their favorite parts. It was sweet and seemed perfect, except for the fact that one of them was hiding a terrible secret. Sneaking into the bathroom, Spencer closed and locked the door before heading toward the shower. He pushed the curtain aside and reached in to look at the bottles sitting there. Just as he suspected, the bottle of shampoo was the same as Hotch carried in his go bag. He’d never gotten sick, had never even changed the brand of shampoo that he bought in the near ten years that they’d known each other. Spencer knew then that he had to do something and he had to do it soon.

The movie wasn’t very long but that didn’t seem to matter to Hotch. By the time with last of the credits had rolled, he looked thoroughly exhausted. Spencer smiled and gently suggested that they all get ready for bed. Jack jumped up and quickly made his way into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes all along the way.

“I’ll get him in the tub,” Jessica said as she followed behind the now naked boy at a more sedate pace. “Spencer? Do you think you can manage to get Aaron to his bedroom and in his bed by yourself?”

“I’m perfectly capable of putting myself to bed, Jessica.” He turned and looked at Spencer with a small smirk on his face. “Honestly. You’d think I was a invalid with the way she motherhens me.” 

Spencer simply smiled back. “You did just have major surgery a few days ago, Aaron,” he explained. “I’m pretty sure the doctor told you to take it easy and if that means putting you to bed, then I’m putting you to bed.”

Aaron just shook his head. “Fine,” he conceded. “Let’s go.”

Spencer was surprised when the older man let himself be helped up and off the couch and then down the hallway toward his bedroom. He must be feeling tired and weaker than Spencer thought for the normally prideful man to allow such assistance. He certainly wasn’t going to fight him on it. As they passed the bathroom, they smiled and chuckled lightly at the sight of Jack being washed down and giggling at his aunt.

“He’s a good kid,” Aaron whispered as they walked past the bathroom.

“He is,” Spencer agreed, continuing to herd Aaron into his bedroom. Once they were there, he helped the older man sit on the edge of his bed, his head dropping down with his chin resting on his chest, his breath slightly labored.

“I can’t believe I feel so weak,” he complained. “It usually doesn’t take me so long to recover from things like this.”

“Again. Major surgery. Besides, you’re not as young as you used to be.”

Aaron tried to glare up at the young genius for his playful teasing, but he was too tired for it to have any real heat behind it.

“Watch it,” he threatened, a small smile on his face. “I can’t wait until I can actually take a shower. I still smell like hospital.”

Sensing an opening, Spencer decided to broach the subject. “I’d be happy to help you with that tomorrow - assuming I can go out and get you some new shampoo.”

Hotch looked at him with a confused look on his face.”Why would I need a new shampoo?”

Spencer looked him dead in the eye, keeping his expression open and forgiving. “Jack told me that the one you are using is making you throw up.”

They sat like that for several long, tense moments, neither man breaking eye contact until finally Aaron blinked. “I don’t know why he would tell you that,” he stated quietly.

“Because that is what you told him. Aaron, you’re throwing up and lying to your son about it. Is this really who you want to be?”

“What do you know about it?” he snapped back.

“I know that I lied to my friends and my family and my _boss_ for months without ever telling anyone that I was using. I know that I made excuses and did everything I could to keep them from seeing I was having a problem. I know that I almost lost everything - my friends, my job, hell, my life, simply because I thought I could control it on my own. But you know what? I couldn’t. And do you know who helped me the most?”

Aaron remained silent, head bowed and refusing to make eye contact. Spencer reached out and placed his fingertips beneath the strong chin, slowly lifting Aaron’s head until he could stare into the deep brown eyes to make his point.

“You did. You gave me your silent strength right when I needed it. I know that Gideon told you to let me handle it on my own, but I wasn’t handling it. You were there and I can’t imagine what I would have done without you there. JJ tried, so did Morgan but I couldn’t let them in. You saw me and helped me and I knew it would be okay.”

Aaron’s eyes grew wide as he listened, as if he never truly understood how much he had helped the man before him. Spencer smiled a soft, sad smile.

“But you’re not okay, Aaron. You’re throwing up and not eating and you’re lying to your son. Let me help you.”

“I don’t know how,” Aaron whispered, his voice so soft and broken and Spencer decided he never wanted to hear that tone fall from those lips ever again. 

“I didn’t either, but you showed me. Let me show you.”

The moment spread out between them and Spencer held his breath as it stretched on and on, a loud, gaping silence only interrupted by Aaron’s harsh breaths. He nodded then, just a bare tip of the head, but Spencer saw it and took it for the acquiescence he knew it to be. Then Aaron was leaning forward, inching closer to him and Spencer had a moment of panic thinking that the other man was leaning in to kiss him. He held his breath, fear and anticipation warring inside of him. Just before they had breached each other’s space, a very happy, giggly boy darted into the room and broke the spell that had settled around them.

“All clean, Daddy!” Jack shouted as he jumped up onto the bed. 

“Careful,” Spencer chided, clearing his throat which he found suddenly very dry. “Remember, your dad is still recovering, Jack.”

“I know. But he’ll be awesome in just a little while. My dad always bounces back, don’t you, Dad?”

“You know it, Buddy. Nothing can keep a Hotchner down.”

“That’s right!”

Spencer watched the happy scene, helping Aaron into bed and then directed Jack to lay down next to him in a way not to hurt his still recovering patient. As he moved to stand and leave the room, Jack called out, “Spencer? Can you read us a story?”

He turned back, a little shocked by the request. 

“You want me to read something?”

“Uh huh,” the boy said, his head nodded up and down wildly. 

“Please,” Hotch added and Spencer was done.

“Okay,” he conceded. “What are we reading?”

“Daddy started us on Harry Potter. Do you know that one?”

“Do I know it?” Spencer asked, feigning dismay. “What kind of Hufflepuff would I be if I didn’t know Harry Potter?”

“Yay!” Jack yelled before apologizing quickly to his father for not using his inside voice. “I’ll go get it.”

With that, the boy was out of the room and down the hallway after his book.

“Hufflepuff, huh?”

“Of course. Let me guess - Gryffindor?”

“What else?”

They spent the next thirty minutes hearing about how Harry came to leave 4 Privet Drive and go to Hogwarts. Both Hotchner men had fallen asleep and Spencer was loathe to move either of them so he left them there, cuddled together while he said goodnight to Jessica, promising to be back the next day. He had plenty of research to do before he returned and he wondered if he would get any sleep at all.


	8. Scars to Your Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot that yesterday was Wednesday so I missed my regularly scheduled posting day. Sorry. To make up for it, here is the chapter I'm sure most of you have been waiting for. :) Enjoy!

Spencer showed up the next day armed with coffee and knowledge. He had spent the better part of the evening researching eating disorders and possible treatment options. Hotch didn’t seem to be so far gone that he would need inpatient treatment but he was certain that the nutritionist and therapist that Doctor Taylor had recommended were completely necessary. Knowing Aaron and his stubborn nature, the man would have to come to that realization on his own and in his own way. But Spencer wasn’t going to sit around and wait for it to happen. He was ready to confront the older man and help him see the way home.

Knocking on the door, Spencer smiled as he heard the pounding of tiny footsteps that stopped in front of the door. He waited patiently while the alarm was turned off and the door unlocked. Suddenly, Jack’s face poked out of the crack in the doorframe with Jessica smiling as she stood behind him.

“Spencer!” Jack shouted, throwing the door open. “You didn’t stay the night. We woked up and you weren’t here.”

“Woke up,” Spencer gently corrected as he stepped inside. “And I had to go home. I have my own apartment.”

“But you said you were going to stay and take care of my dad and you weren’t here and what if something happened at night? You should just stay here. We don’t care, do we, Dad?”

Spencer saw Aaron then, smiling from his comfortable chair in the living room. 

“Well, Buddy. Spencer does have his own apartment. He needs time to himself too.”

“But you said,” the boy complained. 

Spencer set the tray of drinks down before crouching down to the young boy’s level. “Yes, I said. But I don’t live here and I don’t want to crowd you or your dad. Besides, you’ve got you Aunt Jessica and Beth should be back any time soon.”

“It’s not the same. I want you here and so does Dad. Don’t you, Dad?”

Spencer was surprised to see the shade of pink creeping up Hotch’s cheeks at the declaration.

“Yeah, Buddy. But Spencer is here now and it looks like he brought treats.”

“Really?”

Spencer smiled at the Hotchner men. “Maybe I brought some hot chocolate.”

“For me?” Jack asked, his eyes wide.

“For you.” He handed the boy his small container of milky, chocolatey goodness before handing Aaron his own cup of coffee. After passing one to Jessica, he leaned back to sip his coffee, smiling at the sense of happiness that spread around them. He could get used to this.

The day was spent with Aaron complaining about being lazy while Spencer and Jack took care of the house. Since it was a Sunday, Spencer didn’t need to go into the office and the boy was off from school so they were making games of all the chores. Aaron just chuckled and shook his head at the both of them. Jessica left to finish up some of her own work not long after a delicious lunch of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches with a side of fruit salad. 

Spencer was pleased with how well Aaron was doing. The older man was eating without prompting and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the food without stressing about how many calories he was eating or trying to push the food off onto someone else. 

It was just getting dark as Spencer was sitting at the dining table, teaching Jack how to make a coin disappear, when Hotch walked in, scratching at his surgical scar.

“I hate feeling like this,” he complained. “I really need a shower.”

Spencer chuckled at him as he moved his hands in a flourish and the coin disappeared. “I’ll make you a deal, Aaron. You eat your dinner - all of it - I’ll help you take a shower.”

“Sounds like blackmail to me,” Aaron said with a smile.

Another flourish of the hands and the coin reappeared.

“Did it work?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what would the Hotchner men like to eat?”

Spencer looked back and forth between Jack and Aaron, the younger Hotchner ducking his head down in embarrassment. Confused, he asked, “Am I missing something?”

Jack fidgeted for a moment before whispering, “We used to have breakfast for dinner on Sundays.”

“Used to?”

“Beth doesn’t like it.”

“Why?”

“She says that breakfast food is for mornings and it has too many calories and syrup is bad for you.” 

Spencer wanted to growl at the sad tone in the boy’s voice. 

“Well, I think it’s a brilliant idea,” he said with a smile. 

The look on Jack’s face made Spencer chuckle as he smiled at Aaron who was watching them from the doorway. “You do know that I make world famous banana chocolate chip pancakes, right?”

“Banana chocolate chip?” Jack said, his eyes wide with the possibility.

“I don’t know, Spencer…” Aaron started.

“Trust me, Aaron,” he replied, smiling at the Unit Chief. “They aren’t as bad as they sound. I keep it healthy...” Jack made a upset sound and Spencer amended, “...but not too healthy, especially if you put extra syrup on them…” Then Aaron made an upset noise. “...but they have fruit and just the right amount of chocolate and they are puffy and chewy because I use a combination of cake flour and buckwheat flour.”

Both Hotchner men stared at him and Spencer began to get a little worried. “So?” he asked. “Pancakes?”

“Pancakes!” Jack shouted. “Can I help?”

“Of course you can.” 

He stood from the chair, following the enthusiastic boy before holding out his hand to the man watching them with a wide smile on his face.

“Sit, Hotch.” He directed the older man to the chair he had vacated. 

“Aaron.”

“What?”

“Please,” the older man said with a smile. “Here you can call me Aaron.”

“Okay,” Spencer replied with a smile. “Sit, Aaron. Jack and I will take care of the food. Fruit and eggs sound good with the pancakes?”

“Sure.”

Jack was a great help with stirring and grabbing ingredients. Spencer happily whipped and combined, flipped and scrambled, all the while telling Jack what he was doing and entertaining Aaron at the same time. It was fun - more fun than he’d had in awhile. 

Finally, Spencer had the food done and sitting on the table. All three men happily tucked in - orange juice and coffee was poured, syrup was drizzled over fluffy piles of pancakes, and eggs were piled high and covered in ketchup and hot sauce. Jack was playing a game of “Try to Stump Spencer” and so far he was losing.

Aaron sat back smiling at them, stuffing bites of sweet and savory into his mouth, watching the two of them with a look that Spencer couldn't quite place. He was happy to see the older man eating so well. He wondered if perhaps his fears were unfounded.

About halfway through the meal, there was a knock on the door that surprised all of them. They looked at each other and Spencer asked, “Are you expecting someone?”

“No,” Aaron answered. “Jessica lets herself in and the team would have sent a text first.”

The quiet knock came again and Spencer rose to check the door. Looking through the peephole, he was surprised to see Beth smiling at him. He opened the door, trying to make the smile on his face as pleasant as possible.

“Dr. Reid,” she greeted, shock coloring her tone. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Hi Beth.” He stepped aside to let her in the room. “Aaron can’t quite get around too well by himself yet so I’ve been helping out with Jack and things.”

At the use of Aaron’s name, her eyes had narrowed and Spencer wondered if he had made a mistake by using it in front of her. Not that she had anything to worry about but he had a feeling something was off. 

“Oh. I didn’t know you and Aaron were that close.”

“Well, I’m his medical power of attorney and most everyone else has a family to take care of. I’m kind of the logical choice.”

“I was expecting Jessica.”

Spencer smiled, wondering if maybe his presence was less than welcome. 

“She does so much,” he explained. “She needs a break now and then too.”

“Of course!” she amended quickly before she turned her head away, looking around wildly. “So? Where’s Aaron?”

“In the dining area eating right now.”

With a small smile, she turned and flounced into the kitchen with Spencer trailing behind her. 

“Beth?” Aaron gasped as he froze with his fork halfway to his mouth, loaded with pancakes. “What are you doing here? I didn’t think you were going to be back until Monday.”

“I got everything wrapped up and got a flight in early,” she explained, slowly making her way to the table. “Breakfast for dinner? How cute.”

Aaron smiled up at his girlfriend as he slowly put down his fork and pushed the plate away from him. He’d barely finished half of his stack and Spencer frowned. He’d been eating so well and now he was acting like the food might bite him instead of the other way around. 

“Jack wanted Spencer’s special pancakes,” Aaron explained.

“They’re great,” Jack said around the mouthful of syrup infused pastries. “Want some?”

Beth giggled, shaking her head. “Oh, no thank you. I didn’t just run a marathon or anything. I don’t need that kind of food especially after a long flight. Aaron must be replenishing his calorie stores after all he’s been through, right?” She turned and smiled at him before leaning down to rub her palm over his flat belly. “I missed my Pooh Bear.”

Aaron snorted a laugh as he leaned up for a kiss which she graciously gave. She scratched her fingertips over the ridges of his flat belly. Softly, against Aaron’s lips, she whispered, “Buddha belly, buddha belly.”

Spencer gaped at her, shocked at the insensitivity she was showing. Either she didn’t know about Aaron’s problem or she just didn’t care. 

“Aaron needs to eat,” Spencer explained. “Doctor’s orders.”

“Which doctor?” she asked. “You?”

Spencer saw it for the challenge it was but refused to rise to her bait. “You can see the discharge papers if you’d like.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” she replied. The smile on her face was pleasant but obviously forced. She was nervous and wasn’t comfortable with him around. Spencer really didn’t care whether she was or not. 

“You should try them, Beth,” Jack said as he cleaned off his plate. “They’re really good and Spencer said they’re healthy.”

She laughed then. Spencer hated that sound.

“I doubt that,” she said, walking over and ruffling the boy’s hair. “Pancakes are never healthy. They’re a treat.”

“Nuh-uh,” he complained. “Spencer uses bananas and buckle-wheat and tiny chocolate chips so it’s good for you.”

“It’s buckwheat, Jack, and they are good for you as long as you don’t completely drown them in syrup. There’s a saying. Everything in moderation. As long as you don’t go crazy, you can eat the things that make you happy. It’s one of the great joys of life.”

“People who want an excuse to eat whatever they want, they say that.”

Spencer glared at her. He was really starting to get a bad feeling about her and, after all he had been through, he had learned to trust his feelings. 

“Well, Aaron needs to finish his dinner and then I’m pretty sure I promised him a shower.”

“I’m finished.”

Spencer turned to look at him and Aaron immediately dropped his eyes. Leaning over the table, he pushed the plate back in front of the older man. “You’re not finished. You need to eat some more, please Aaron.”

Reaching out for his fork, Aaron stabbed a piece of melon before popping it into his mouth before following it up with a few bites of egg. He chewed slowly while Beth settled into the chair beside him chattering on about her trip and all the beautiful people she met. Spencer busied himself with the dishes while they chatted on. He kept turning to look at Aaron, making sure he was eating, but to his dismay, Aaron was pushing the food around on his plate and only taking tiny bites randomly while she was talking. The longer he watched, the more angry he got. Once he was sure that Aaron was not going to eat anymore, he reached over and grabbed the dishes and cleared the table, shaking his head at the amount of food still on Aaron’s plate. 

“Why don’t you guys go into the other room while I clean up in here?”

“Sounds great.”

He stepped over to help Aaron up, but Beth beat him to it. “I’ll help him,” she said with a tight smile. “I am his girlfriend.”

They made their way into the living room and onto the couch. Spencer rinsed everything before loading the dishwasher and wiped off all of the counters. Once he was sure that the room was cleaned, he stepped just inside the doorway, silently listening to their conversation. It was just some soft words whispered between lovers, but Spencer couldn’t help but feel on edge. She was giggling and smiling but her words had a sharp sting to them. 

Spencer bristled when he heard her say, “Those pancakes must have upset your stomach something awful. You really shouldn’t eat something so sweet, Aaron. That really can’t be good for you. You’re going to be down for several weeks. You can’t really afford to pack on any weight when you can’t exercise. I’d hate for you to have to start all over.”

“I know,” Aaron answered quietly, his eyes downcast and sad. “I really wasn’t eating that much.”

“Sure you weren’t,” she teased back. “I brought a beautiful new shirt from the designer we were working with in Milan. I gave him your measurements so he made you a large. Should I call him back and ask him to make you a extra large so you can eat some more pancakes?”

She giggled and it sent shivers up Spencer’s spine.

“I’d hate for you to get too fat for me.” 

Spencer gaped at her, shocked that she would even say such a thing.

Leaning forward, his giggled before pressing a soft kiss to Aaron’s lips. “Just kidding.”

Spencer decided he couldn’t wait any longer. “Aaron,” he said, catching their attention. “Are you ready to take that shower?”

The older man smiled back at him, a genuine look of gratitude on his face. “That would be brilliant.”

“I’ll help him,” Beth said, jumping up quickly and holding out her hand to help Aaron up. “I’ve already seen Aaron naked. I’d hate to subject you to that.”

“Why?” Spencer asked honestly confused. “I’ve seen Aaron in plenty of situations where he has been in different stages of undress.”

“Well…” Beth started. “His scars...you know…”

“They aren’t very easy to look at,” Aaron explained quietly as he stared at the floor. “It’s okay, Spencer.”

And that was the final straw. Spencer stood up to his full height before stepping fully into the room. 

“Jack, could you go to your room, please?” he asked quietly. He was pleased when the boy instantly stood, hugged his father and darted off to his room. Once the boy was out of earshot, he turned back to the woman staring at him. “Look. I don’t know what you think you’re doing but I really don’t appreciate you making things hard for my friend.”

“What are you talking about?” she started, but Spencer quickly shut her down.

“No. You don’t get to just play this off like you don’t understand what it is you’re doing. Aaron almost died and all you can talk about is you and the beautiful people you met and how much food he’s eating. He shouldn’t feel guilty about eating a damn plate of pancakes. You made him feel bad about how he looks and who he is. Only a selfish bitch would tear down a good man just to feel better about themself. Is that what this is? You feel so bad about yourself that you have to tear him down to do it? Well, you’re wrong. There is nothing wrong with him. Nothing! Every little comment is hurtful. People don’t do that to the people they love.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, her face full of confusion. 

“He can’t eat. You’re doing that to him.”

“I’m just helping him.”

“You’re not helping. What you’re doing is just short of criminal. People don’t deserve to be treated like this. If you cared about someone, you wouldn’t pick at a wound until it was just a gaping hole. Think about it, Beth. Pooh Bear? Buddha belly? Criticising every food choice he makes? He’s either starving himself or throwing up and if he keeps it up, it’s going to kill him and that’ll all be on you. You’re trying to kill him but I am _not_ going to let that happen. I care about him and what happens to him. He’s perfect just the way he is. Why are you even with him if all you want to do is change him?”

“I don’t understand what you’re getting at,” she denied, her eyes wide.

“Of course you don’t understand! Because it’s all about you, isn’t it? Ever since you got here, you’ve barely talked about him or even asked about him. You only talk about you and the beautiful people you get to be around. What about Aaron? He’s one of the most handsome men I’ve ever known but all you do is talk about everyone else almost like he’s not even there. You’re selfish and vindictive and you say things that cut like a knife and you don’t even care that you’re hurting him.”

“Spencer, stop…”

“No, Aaron,” the young genius interrupted. “I will not stop. We forget. We all forget. We all see you as strong and unbreakable. But none of us are. She’s breaking you everyday, just a little bit at a time and I can’t stand by and watch it anymore. I won’t let this stupid cunt destroy the strongest, most amazing man I know. Think about it Aaron - really think. Are you happy? Really and truly happy? Because if you are and I’m wrong, just tell me. Tell me now and I’ll go.”

The three of them stayed that way, staring at each other for several long minutes, the only sound in the room was Spencer’s labored breaths, before Beth finally whispered, “Well, Aaron.”

When the older man refused to say anything, she nodded quietly.

“Okay.” 

The word was quiet and tight like she really didn’t know what else to say. She walked toward the door, picking up her purse and coat before turning toward the door. When her hand landed on the handle, she opened it before turning to look at them.

“Call me, you know, when you’re feeling better and your head is a little clearer.” She spared a glance at Spencer before addressing Aaron again. “I’ll be waiting.”

She slipped out the door, closing it loudly behind her.


	9. Repeat a Lie Often Enough...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Aaron deal with the fallout off Spencer kicking Beth out.

Aaron turned and looked at Spencer. “What the hell was that?” he asked without any real heat behind his words.

“Something that should have been done a long time ago.” 

“It’s not that bad, Reid,” Aaron said, trying to defuse the situation. “I don’t know what it is you think you’re seeing…”

“What I’m seeing, _Aaron_ , is a woman who is demeaning you constantly with a smile and a giggle like it’s okay to say horrible things if you’re pretty and you say that you’re just kidding afterward. It’s not.”

“Do you really think I have a problem, because I don’t. I’m fine, Reid.”

Spencer decided he’d had enough and he walked up to stand in front of his boss and friend. “You are not fine. And here it’s Spencer and Aaron, not Reid and Hotch. That was your call.”

Aaron’s lips pressed together in a hard line. “Maybe it was the wrong one.” He stepped around Spencer and began to delicately make his way down the hall toward his bedroom. “I’m taking a shower whether you help me or not.”

Spencer watched for a moment while the other man slowly shuffled down the hallway, wondering if now was the time to push the situation or not. Knowing that if he didn’t do something now, Aaron might retreat even further, Spencer followed. Once they were inside the bedroom, Spencer shut the door, watching as the older man struggled to get his shirt off, up and over his head. He stepped close and helped Aaron out of his shirt before gripping his elbow and spinning him around to face him.

“Don’t shut me out, Aaron, not now. You need help.”

“Why?” Aaron nearly shouted back, thrusting his finger into Spencer’s chest. “Because _you_ think I do? I’m not the one with an eating disorder, Spencer. You are.”

The young genius gaped at him for a moment, the shock trapping the words in his throat. “What?”

“You keep saying that I’m not eating and, yeah, maybe I haven’t been doing that great lately, but you’re the one with the eating disorder.”

“What are you talking about, Hotch? I don’t have an eating disorder.”

“Is that right? What about that time in LA? I saw you avoid eating the Mu Shu Pork. It’s your favorite.”

“ _Was_ my favorite,” Spencer explained. “As in past tense. I haven’t eaten any pork since the case in Canada. I just can’t bring myself to eat it - even bacon. In case you didn’t notice, I ate nearly all of the Sizzling Chicken and I scarfed mine and Derek’s veggie eggrolls before you gave me yours and I ate that too. But I certainly noticed that you barely ate your chicken and picked at the broccoli. In fact, you didn’t even try to eat the potsticker I gave you. I easily ate three times as much as you did that night.”

Aaron stared at him for a moment and Spencer watched as the realization of what he was saying dawned on him. 

“What about in Glendale? You barely touched your sandwich.”

“I asked Morgan to get me a tuna salad sandwich but it had raw onions.” He sighed, realizing what Aaron was doing. “I can’t eat raw onions. They hurt my mouth. You know that.” He stepped closer, holding out his hand like he was approaching a frightened animal. “You’re projecting, Aaron. You’re seeing what you want to see in me because you recognize it in yourself. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” he whispered even though it was obvious he didn’t believe it. “I don’t have a problem.”

“You do,” Spencer whispered, finally close enough to touch. “Look, Aaron.” He turned them so they were both facing the full length mirror next to the bathroom door, standing just behind him. “Look at how skinny you are now. I can count your ribs.” He brought a single finger up and traced it down Aaron’s left side, each rib pronounced and sharp beneath his touch.

“You’re skinny too,” Aaron protested, challenge shining in his eyes. 

Meeting those eyes in the mirror, Spencer quickly pulled his own shirt off and stepped to the side. “Look at us,” he commanded. “Do you see the difference?” Again, he ran his hand over the chest of the man next to him. The skin, once tan and lovely, was now sallow and loose over the bones showing through. He reached out and took Aaron’s hand before bringing it to his own belly. He wasn’t in the perfect shape but he had put on some muscle since he had started working out more, mostly doing yoga for his headaches and pilates for core strength. Slowly, rough, calloused fingertips began to trace up and down, moving over strong pectorals and the beginnings of a six pack that Spencer had hardly noticed before now. As he let the other man explore, he continued, “When you were in that triathlon, you were in such great shape, Aaron. You were strong and defined and you looked amazing. But now I have more muscles than you because you’re denying yourself. Can’t you see that what you’re doing is slowly destroying you? I can’t let you do that. We need you.”

“We?”

Spencer froze knowing he’d made a mistake, that he’d slipped up.

“Jack. Jessica. The team. We need you.”

“What about you, Spencer?”

“What about me?”

“Do you need me?”

Spencer stared up at the other man, unsure of what to say. Did he want to admit his feelings to his boss? Was now even the right time to be thinking things like that? Aaron was dealing with so much. Could he deal with Spencer’s feelings for him? 

He reached up and gripped the fingers that were still gently exploring his bare skin. “I do need you. As my boss and as my friend. I’m not ready to let you go.”

Aaron pulled away then, taking a small step back, his eyes firmly on the floor. “Okay,” he whispered, refusing to meet Spencer’s gaze. “I get it.”

“I don’t think you do.”

Spencer leaned forward, biting his bottom lip as he moved in close until they were chest to chest. Dark chocolate eyes darted up to meet his own, desire and fear warring in their depths. He waited for Aaron to turn and run, to push him away. Instead, the older man froze waiting to see what the genius was going to do. Finally, he breached the distance and pressed his lips to Aaron’s own. The kiss was soft and dry and wholly too chaste to bring either of them any satisfaction.

He pulled back to smile at Aaron. The smile quickly faded as he watched the tears streaming down his face. 

“Aaron?” he asked, reaching up to cup the strong jaw, intending on wiping away the moisture on his cheeks. Aaron quickly reached up and forced his hand away.

“I don’t need your pity,” he nearly spat as he turned to walk away. The movement was obviously too much, too fast and he stumbled. Spencer darted forward quickly, catching him around the waist and doing his best to not disturb the staples travelling up the midline of his body. 

“Hotch!”

“No!” Aaron gasped in pain as he moved to twist, trying to get away. “You think I’m sick, that I need your help? I’m fine, Spencer. Just because Beth is gone doesn’t mean the world is just going to fall apart. I always knew she’d leave him eventually. Trade me in for a newer model, just like she always said. You don’t think I didn’t know that I don’t deserve her? She was too good for me, I always knew that. She always told me. What would someone so beautiful want with a broken, scarred old man like me anyway? What would you want with me, huh? I’ll let you down just like everyone else I’ve ever loved. I’ve let you down so many times. I’m not worth it.”

Spencer held on tight, keeping the man in his arms upright as Hotch seemed to deflate and sag in his hold. He trembled with barely restrained tears and Spencer wondered at the depth of this man’s pain and how none of them had ever seen it before. Maybe they were blind to it because they wanted to be, they wanted to hold onto the idea that Hotch was this perfect, impenetrable hero who would always be okay, would never break. But holding him now, Spencer knew they were all wrong. He _was_ broken and maybe in the worst possible way. 

“Aaron,” he whispered into the shell of his ear, so close to his lips. “Listen to me. You have never let me down. _Never_.You were there in that graveyard. You found me. _You_ did that. You didn’t fire me after Owen when you probably should have. You were the first person I thought of when Maeve was taken and you came without hesitation. You may be the only person who has never let me down. So let me help you...please.”

He wondered if he was going to try to flee again, run away from Spencer and his feelings and all the implications, but as he loosened his hold, Aaron seemed to press back into him, needing that connection. Spencer wrapped his arms around the once strong chest and moved him slowly until they were in the bathroom. Gently moving and manipulating, Spencer got him seated on the closed lid of the toilet before reaching down to cup Aaron’s chin with both hands.

“I have an idea. Let’s get you showered and in bed. It’s been a crazy evening and I think you need the rest.”

Aaron dropped his eyes and Spencer knew he felt like he was being dismissed. He moved down so that he was on their level before he smiled softly. 

“This isn’t a dismissal and I’m not forgetting what happened or what was said. We _will_ talk about this, but in the morning after we’ve both rested and had a moment to think about everything. Deal?”

Without making eye contact or any hint of emotion, Aaron answered quietly, “Deal.”


	10. Let Me Be Your Mirror

Spencer continued to smile at him, a real, genuine smile, needing Aaron to see that he was here and happy and not going away. It felt good, the smile on his face and the warmth in his heart.

Aaron answering smile was soft and weak but it was a smile. Spencer would take what he could get. He began to move around, getting things ready for the shower so that he wouldn’t have to leave Aaron on his own. Once he was ready, he looked Aaron in the eyes.

“I’m going to need to take your pants off and I’ll leave my boxers on. Is that alright?”

“Of course,” Aaron whispered back. He averted his eyes when Spencer pulled off his jeans, leaving him mostly bare. Spencer smiled before helping Hotch out of his sleep pants and boxers. Tape and clear wrap was secured over the incision site before Spencer turned the taps on and checked the water temperature. Satisfied that it was appropriate, Spencer reached out to help Aaron stand and maneuver into the spacious stall. He let the water run over the other man’s back for a few minutes, hoping to soothe and calm his frayed nerves. Finally, Hotch seemed to relax, slumping down into Spencer’s arms and letting the younger man simply hold him beneath the warm spray. Knowing he needed to get Hotch clean before the man fell asleep on his feet, Spencer braced him against the shower wall before reaching out with a single hand to locate the shower gel. Pouring a generous amount on the shower sponge, he began systematically cleaning the body before him, resolutely doing his best to ignore the stirring of his own cock as his hand ran over the flesh he’d desired to touch for so long. The last thing he wanted to do was scare his boss now, not with how fragile he was. 

For his part, Hotch remained silent except for the occasional gasp or moan. Spencer could understand that, he always felt the same way after not showering for a while, especially after a hospital stay. He washed and rinsed him thoroughly before pulling back to see at the sleepy look on the older man’s beautiful face. He couldn’t help the smile that split his face when he realized how much like Jack he looked in that moment. 

“Why don’t we have you sit so I can wash your hair?”

Aaron looked around until he spotted the small stool that Spencer had placed in the corner of the shower. It was a small plastic step stool that Aaron had bought for Jack a couple of years prior so the boy could stand at the sink to wash his hands or brush his teeth. Spencer moved it behind Aaron with his foot so it would be easier for the other man to sit. Sinking down, Aaron tilted his head back, letting the water pound against his scalp, pulling a long moan from his mouth. Spencer bit his lip hard, working to stave off the erection that was threatening to emerge. He dug his fingers into the short, raven colored strands, rubbing in the shampoo that he’d found, bringing it up to a rich, foamy lather. He did his best to keep the water from streaming down Aaron’s front, hoping to keep the surgical site as dry as possible. Tugging lightly, he tried to move Aaron forward a bit out of the direct spray but when he did, it placed the older man’s face a mere inch from his exposed belly. Spencer looked down, mesmerized by the sight of Aaron staring directly at his belly button. Slowly, Aaron leaned forward and placed a tiny, barely there kiss just below his navel. Holding in the gasp that threatened to escape, Spencer pressed his lips together and squeezed his eyes shut hard. He was unsure if Aaron had meant to kiss him or if he was hoping Spencer simply wouldn’t notice but he wasn’t going to say anything until he felt another stronger, surer kiss placed in the same spot.

Pulling on the soapy strands, Spencer looked down into sleepy, half-lidded eyes. “Aaron,” he whispered, his voice rough and loud in the small room. 

“Sorry,” Aaron answered as he closed his eyes and leaned back into the spray to help rinse the soap away. 

Spencer looked down further and noticed the stirring of Aaron’s own cock, just beginning to fill and rise. He made sure all of the shampoo was rinsed away before moving on to the conditioner, following the same pattern and smiling when the seated man did the same, placing two simple kisses below his navel before helping rinse his hair. 

Aaron never got fully hard, most likely due to the medications in his system and the emotional turmoil of the evening. Spencer did everything in his power to keep his own dick under control as well. By the time Aaron was clean and rinsed off, Spencer was soaked so he turned off the water and helped the other man up and toweled him off the best he could before removing his wet boxers and dropping them on the floor. 

“Sorry,” he apologized as he felt his cheeks begin to heat. 

“It’s okay,” Aaron answered, nearly falling asleep on his feet.

Spencer quickly ran a towel over his body, just so he wouldn’t drip everywhere before wrapping the towel around his slim hips and directing Aaron toward his bed. He pulled off the plastic and the tape, making sure to thoroughly dry the incision before redressing the wound. He then rubbed a new towel over Aaron’s hair, hoping to get it as dry as possible before the older man fell asleep. He slipped a pair of sleep pants over Aaron’s thighs and pressed him down onto the bed and pulled up with sheet. 

Before he could turn away, his wrist was caught in a tight grip. He looked down into the pleading eyes piercing his own.

“Stay?”

“I’m not going anywhere, Aaron,” he reassured the man with a soft smile. “But I need to go get my go-bag for some dry clothes.”

“No, stay here.”

Spencer’s eyes grew wide when he realized what Aaron was asked of him. “Are you sure?” 

Aaron nodded with a small smile, a single dimple making an appearance. 

“Okay. Let me go get my clothes.”

Aaron let go of him then and Spencer wrapped a towel around his waist before he moved to the closed bedroom door. When he opened it, he was surprised to see Jack standing there. 

“You did it,” the young boy whispered with a big smile on his face. 

“Did what?”

“Got Dad some new shampoo. He didn’t throw up.”

Spencer turned and looked at the man watching them from the bed.

“Nope, I didn’t go get any new shampoo. But your dad is going to start getting better now. Does that sound good to you?”

“Yay!” Jack cheered before wrapping his arms around Spencer’s waist in a big hug. When he looked up at Spencer, he asked, “Can we all sleep in here tonight?”

It looked like the Hotchner men were both ganging up on him. He tried to look thoughtful for a moment before looking at Aaron.

“You’ll have to promise to be super careful around your dad. We can’t have you moving around and kicking him in your sleep or anything.”

“I won’t! I promise! I’ll be super still and quiet as a mouse.”

Spencer smiled and waved his hand toward the bed. 

“Go on, then. I’ll change and be right back.”

He walked out into the other room where he had been keeping his bag and pulled on his sleep pants and a t-shirt before heading back into Aaron’s bedroom after locking the front door and setting the alarm. He was not at all surprised to find them both sound asleep. He slipped under the covers on the blank space left by Jack who was curled up into Aaron’s side. He watched them for a long time before sleep finally claimed him, wondering what the next day would bring.


	11. Words Get in the Way

Spencer woke with a unfamiliar, uncomfortable feeling in his back. He stretched and reached back, surprised to discover the warm body tucked into his own. He turned his head to see Jack curled up in his sleep with his knees pressed into Spencer’s back. He shifted over enough to turn and look at the two Hotchner men sound asleep. 

He studied them for a moment, smiling as he realized how much Jack looked like his father, especially when they were both sleeping. Hotch’s face was relaxed and peaceful, the lines that creased his skin gone in the early morning light. It was painfully obvious they were related, no DNA test was needed.

Spencer reached over and brushed a stray strand of hair off Jack’s forehead, smiling softly as the boy twitched and shifted at the gentle touch. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open as he slowly woke. When he saw Spencer, a wide smile broke over his features. He yawned wide, stretching out his little body and disturbing Hotch lightly. Spencer brought a single finger up to shush the boy, hoping to let Aaron sleep a little while longer.

“Morning Spencer,” Jack whispered.

“Morning, Jack,” Spencer answered. “How did you sleep?”

“Great. I didn’t move or nothing all night long.”

“You did so wonderful, Jack.”

The boy smiled and puffed up at the praise. “You should stay over more.”

“Yeah?” Spencer was curious as to what the boy was thinking. “What makes you say that?”

“I like having you here,” Jack explained. “Dad does too. I can tell because he smiles more, even when he talks about you when you’re not here.”

Spencer was in shock. “Your dad talks about me when I’m not here?”

“Oh yeah. He tells me about some of the cool things you tell him about stuff and about how you do all kinds of math in your head ‘cause you’re super smart. One time he talked about a new sweater you got. He said it was super soft. You should wear it again.”

Spencer sat frozen, stunned into silence by the boy’s sleepy confession. Finally he cleared his throat before booping the boy on his button nose. “Well, I’m glad to know your dad likes me.”

Jack just smiled back.

“I’m going to get up and make us some breakfast. Why don’t you go back to sleep for a little bit and I’ll come and get you and your dad in a few?”

“Okay,” Jack said through a yawn as he rolled over, cuddling up to his father who reflexively reached out and pulled the boy to him. Spencer stood up and hovered by the side of the bed, watching silently for several long moments. It was a lovely moment and he was happy to be a part of it. He listened intently, wondering if Aaron had heard any of it, if the other man had actually been asleep or not. When his breathing remained the same, Spencer figured he was safe and slipped out of the bedroom to go and fix them all something to eat. 

Breakfast was simple, just oatmeal and fruit, figuring that shouldn’t get too much resistance but Spencer really had no idea how Aaron would react after the confrontation the night before. They needed to talk about Beth and what she was doing to Aaron. Ignoring it or pretending that it wasn’t a big deal was never a good idea. They had tried that when Spencer was dealing with his addiction and it was one of the worst mistakes of his life. He knew that Aaron needed to talk, but how, Spencer didn’t know. 

He was just finishing spooning the oatmeal into bowls when he heard a soft shuffling behind him. Turning, he smiled at the man bravely walking toward him. Before he could get his greeting out, Aaron spoke.

“I’m sorry about Jack,” he apologized. “You know I didn’t put him up to that.”

Spencer chuckled, shaking his head lightly. “I should have known that you weren’t asleep.”

“What gave me away?”

“You are a very light sleeper and Jack is not the best whisperer.”

They both laughed and Spencer leaned to look around Aaron. “Speaking of, where is that sneaky boy?”

Stepping in further, Aaron reached out of the back of the chair in front of him. “Washing his hands. He’s excited for whatever you’...” As he reached for the chair, his hand slipped and Aaron pitched forward, threatening to fall. Spencer darted out, catching the larger man under his arms and keeping him upright. They stumbled together for a few moments before Spencer righted them. They were close, closer than they been last night in the shower. Chests were pressed together and as Spencer started to pull away, Aaron leaned in, pressing his dry lips to Spencer’s own in a tender, tentative kiss. It was soft and so barely there that the younger man wondered if he even knew what he was doing. He froze, unsure what to do, until Aaron leaned in further, deepening the kiss. Apparently Aaron knew exactly what he was doing. 

Spencer leaned in then, letting the older man kiss him, sighing into the feel of him against him - lips and chest brushing in a truly delightful way.

But this was wrong. It wasn’t the time nor the place for this to be happening so, reluctantly, Spencer pulled away. When Aaron tried to follow, he put a gentle hand on the chest before him.

“Aaron,” he whispered. “I don’t think this is a good idea right now.”

Aaron huffed in frustration. “You keep saying that. If you don’t want me, you can just say so.”

Spencer reached up, placing his hands on either side of Aaron’s face. “It’s not that and you know it. We will need to talk about things before we go any further.” When Aaron continued to avert his gaze, Spencer ducked down and manipulated Aaron face until chocolate eyes met his own. “No, Aaron. Don’t do that. We will talk, really talk. You’ve been through a lot and I’m not letting you run away from this. But first, we eat.”

The words seemed to sink in and Aaron gave him a touch of a smile before slowly backing off. “Fine,” he whispered. “Just fine.”

Spencer watched as he slid into the chair at the table. Breakfast was a subdued affair with Jack chatting while Aaron slowly took bites of his oatmeal, chewing every bite completely before swallowing. Spencer sighed. This emotional rollercoaster they were on couldn’t be good for either of them but he saw no other way to go about it. Aaron was just coming off the end of the relationship with Beth, assuming he was really serious about ending things with her. He really didn’t need to just jump into something with Spencer. 

After breakfast, they settled on the couch with Jack and Aaron watching a movie while Spencer read, researching for his latest article. It was nice, peaceful but he could feel an undercurrent of anxiety rolling off the older man.

After lunch, Jessica came by to see how they were doing. Spencer quickly pulled her into the kirchen, away from prying ears. 

“Could you do me a favor?” He asked quietly.

“Of course. What do you need?”

Spencer looked toward the living room. “Do you think you can take Jack out for a little bit?”

“What’s up?” Jessica had a worried look on her face.

“I need to talk to Aaron and I don’t think he will really talk to me with Jack around.”

She nodded, easily agreeing with him. “You’re probably right. I think we need to get some groceries anyway, don’t you?”

Spencer smiled. It was good to have someone on his side in all of this. “I do. Should I make a list?”

“I’ve got it.”

Leaving her to the task, Spencer walked back into the living room before leaning over the back of the couch.

“Hey, Jack,” he said, smiling at the young boy. “Your Aunt Jessica is going to run to the store for some groceries. I think I may have heard her say she might stop for ice cream along the way if a certain young man wished to accompany her.”

The young boy’s face lit up and he nearly jumped off of the couch. “I could go!”

Both Aaron and Spencer chuckled at the boy’s excited enthusiasm.

“Can I, Dad?”

Aaron smiled before ruffling his son’s hair. “I guess so. But you have to be on your best behavior.”

“I will. Promise.”

“You’d better change your clothes and put on some shoes then,” Spencer prompted.

Once Jack was out of sight, Aaron turned concerned eyes to him. “Very sly.”

“What?” Spencer asked, trying to look innocent.

Aaron just smirked back at him.

In no time Jack and Jessica were ready to go. Before they left she had told Spencer to expect them to be gone at least an hour. He nodded, appreciating the consideration. Once they were gone, Spencer took his time cleaning up the kitchen to gather his thoughts before he settled on the couch next to Hotch.

“Okay,” the older man started. “What was that all about?”

Spencer sighed. “We haven’t had a chance to talk about what happened yet. I think this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later.”

Aaron groaned, dropping his head onto the back of the couch. “I’m fine Spencer, really.

Spencer reached over, gripping the strong jaw in fingers, he turned Aaron’s face toward him, locking eyes with his friend. “You are not fine, Aaron. I wish I could stop ever hearing that word come out of your mouth. You always say you are fine but you nearly died. It’s barely been a week.”

“Fine,” Aaron whispered after several long moments. He flinched and chuckled as soon as the word was out of his mouth. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Beth.”

Aaron froze, his eyes dropping away from Spencer’s own. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Spencer sat and waited. He wanted Aaron to know he wasn’t going anywhere, that this conversation was going to happen whether he liked it or not. Finally Aaron looked back up. “What do you want to know?”

“What are you going to do about her?”

“She’s gone,” he whispered. “What do you mean what am I going to do.There is nothing to do.”

“I sent her away, not you,” Spencer stated, his eyes locked with Aaron’s own, trying to read the other man’s expression. “Do you want to stay with her? Be honest with me.”

Aaron sighed. “No. Yes. I don’t know.”

“You have to know that what she was doing to you was hurting you. Tell me you can see how she was manipulating you.” When Aaron didn’t answer, he pressed further. “You are not fat. You never were. You are not ugly because of your scars. They are just another piece of who you are.”

A small sob broke from the older man’s throat. “It was nice to be needed again - to be wanted. I missed that.”

“But what she was doing to you was wrong, Aaron. You don’t say things like that to the people you love. Please tell me you can see how she was hurting you.”

A small nod, almost too small to be noticed, and a softly whispered, “I guess.” Then hurt-filled chocolate eyes locked with Spencer’s hazel. “But what do I do now? I’m back to being all alone.”

“You’re not alone,” Spencer declared, reaching down and gripping Aaron’s hand hard. “You never were. You have Jack and Jessica and the team.”

“And you?” The question was so quiet and filled with such longing and fear that the breath caught in Spencer’s throat. 

“I think we need to talk about that.”

“Of course,” Aaron said as he tried to turn away. “It’s okay, Spencer. I’ll be fine.”

“Damn it, Hotch!” Spencer snapped. “Why do you always jump to conclusions without even stopping to think? Why do you always assume the worst?”

The older man froze, staring at his subordinate and friend, shocked at the outburst.

“We need to talk about that because you are coming off a bad relationship that you haven’t even had the chance to mourn the loss of yet and I need to make sure that you’re not just turning to me because I’m the closest and easiest target.”

“What?!” Aaron nearly shouted back. “You really think I would do that? That you’re just some sort of rebound fling?”

“Am I?” Spencer asked, leaning in the older man’s personal space. “You’ve never shown me any attention like this before. Why now? What’s changed?”

Aaron sat back, pulling away, really thinking about his answer. Finally he whispered, “You were there for me when no one else was. You’ve been here, for me and for Jack. I’ve thought about you. I just never…”

“Never what Aaron?”

“Never thought it was possible. That you’d ever want me.”

Spencer smiled at him. “Why wouldn’t I want you?”

“Look at you,” Aaron said, waving his hand at the younger man’s body. “You’re beautiful. You’re intelligent. You have your entire life in front of you. What would I have to offer you? I’m an old man with a child and way too much baggage. I’m scarred and a workaholic. You deserve someone who can give you everything you desire. I couldn’t keep Haley or Beth happy. You’d be crazy to want to be with me.”

“Then call me crazy.”

Aaron’s eyes darted up to his own, hope and trepidation warring in their depths.

“Seriously?”

Spencer smiled again before leaning forward for a small kiss. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against Aaron’s own. “Seriously. But we need to take this slow. I’m not jumping into something with you, not like this. I will not interfere with your recovery but I will help you if you’ll let me. I mean it, Aaron. You get well and then we will see how this goes.”

“So what does that mean?”

“That means therapy. That means seeing the dietitian. That means eating and gaining weight and getting back to working out. That means healing and then we can see.”

Aaron sighed. “Sounds like a lot of work.”

“Anything that is worth it is a lot of work. Are you willing to try?”

“Yeah,” Aaron whispered, slowly leaning forward again. “I think I am.”

Spencer smiled before breaching the distance and pressing his lips against Aaron’s own once again. It was soft and tender and he wished it could go on until he heard a tiny voice behind him.

“Ew! Kissing!” Jack complained loudly.

Spencer pulled away surprised, Aaron’s face was redder than his own.


	12. Safer Than Shaking Hands

Once they pulled away, he turned to look at the two people watching them from the open doorway. Jack was making a face and Jessica looked upset. Spencer knew she wasn’t a Hotchner but she certainly had the Hotchner glare down perfectly. 

In a tight voice, she said, “Jack, why don’t you go tell your father about the trip to the ice cream store and Spencer why don’t you come and help me out in the kitchen putting the groceries away?”

“Okay,” they both answered, although one was with an excited bounce, the other filled with dread.

Spencer stood and obediently followed the woman into the kitchen. As soon as they were out of earshot of the Hotchner men, Jessica spun around and whispered, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

He wanted to drop his eyes, his embarrassment making him want to look away but fear of the woman before him kept him from doing so. 

“I was…” he started.

“You were kissing him!” She hissed. “He has a girlfriend, or did you forget that part?”

Spencer reached out and put his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her down and end her tirade. “Jessica. I kicked Beth out last night. She and Aaron aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

“Why?” Her face was a mask of confusion. “I thought they were doing alright.”

“They weren’t. Beth was manipulating Aaron.” He sighed, wondering how much to tell her. “Remember how at the hospital you mentioned that he was getting to be too thin?” He waited for her to nod. “Aaron has an eating disorder and Beth was a major contributing factor.”

“What? How…?”

“Think about it,” Spencer prodded. “He’s losing weight. He doesn’t go out for ice cream or pizza. He pushes food around his plate. He feeds Jack off his own plate and never refills it. The reason he ended up in the hospital is because he was making himself throw up and tore the adhesions in his abdomen. He was killing himself and she was a major contributing factor.”

He fell silent then, letting the woman come to terms with the bombshell he’d just dropped. She started to speak several times but stopped herself. Spencer could tell she was mentally reviewing every scene and was slowly coming to the same realization that Spencer had. Aaron was sick, had been for a long time, right under their noses and no one was any the wiser. She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth to quell the sound but soon tears began to fall.

“My god,” she whispered. “All this time and he never said anything. How did we not see it?”

“Because he didn’t want us to,” Spencer answered gently. “I know you feel bad. I feel bad too. I should have noticed it sooner but Aaron is as stubborn as they come and he wasn't about to let us all know he had a problem. In fact, he didn’t think he had a problem. He probably still doesn’t truly believe it.”

“How did this happen?”

“Little things, I’m sure.” Spencer sighed, running multiple scenarios through his head. “She called him Pooh Bear because he was packed full of stuffing. She said he had a Buddha belly. She suggested that if he was too full, he should go throw it up.”

Jessica stood stunned, unable to believe what she was hearing. “You’re sure?”

“I saw it happen, right here. I heard her.”

She turned sad eyes to the living room. “All this time he’s been going through this and he never said anything.”

Spencer smiled a soft, sad smile. “When has Aaron ever said anything about his personal life to anyone without a little prompting? He has always been hard to get to open up. Do you really think he would just say something about something like this?”

Jessica just shook her head. It was a lot to take in, Spencer knew that.

“Aaron is sick,” he whispered, “But I want to help him get better.”

“Is that what you were doing, Spencer? Helping him get better?”

He sighed then, dropping his hands from her shoulders. “I don’t know, Jessica,” he said. “I’m not quite sure what is happening between me and Aaron. He’s…”

“He’s been watching you,” Jessica interrupted, “For a while now. I didn’t know what it was but Aaron’s version of flirting has never been actual flirting. In fact, I don’t think he knows how to flirt. Do you think he likes you?”

Spencer shrugged. “It seems like it. He’s been…I don’t know, clingy? Needy? But I’m afraid that it’s just because I’m here, I’m convenient. I don’t want him to think that he owes me or anything.”

“I don’t think Aaron really thinks like that, do you?”

“No,” Spencer knew better. Aaron didn’t operate that way. 

“Just be careful,” Jessica said, smiling at him lightly. “I don't see Aaron as a rebound kinda guy but be careful with his heart, Spencer. He may have a hard exterior but he’s really an old school romantic at heart.”

“I know.” Spencer did. He’d been watching his boss long enough to know that Aaron never did anything by half and that included giving up his heart.

She leaned in then, giving him a peck on the cheek. “I like you and I want to help, but Aaron is my family, some of the only family I have left. If you hurt him, I may have to do something drastic.”

“Miss Brooks,” Spencer teased her. “Are you threatening a Federal Agent?”

“Yeah,” she said, pinning him down with a hard smile. “I believe I am. All I can say is I’d better not see Beth any time soon. That little bitch won’t know what hit her.”

She walked off then, moving to walk back into the living room before stopping in the doorway. Spencer stood in the kitchen, his mouth hanging open. He’d never heard such language from Jessica before and it made him both happy that Aaron had someone like that in his corner and also a little afraid of her and what she might do if he did ever hurt Aaron.

Luckily, that was something he never planned to do.

As he approached her, she turned and silenced him with her finger to her lips. He leaned in to see where she was pointing. Jack and Aaron sat together on the couch, heads close together as Jack continued to tell his father about his outing with his aunt. 

“And then she let me carry two bags because I’m getting big and strong now, just like you, and I can help. I got to push the button on the elevator and everything!”

“That’s awesome, Buddy.”

“And then we opened the door and you were kissing Spencer and I was all like, ‘Ewww, kissing’. ‘Member that, Dad?”

Spencer could just make out the hint of blush on Aaron’s cheeks. “Yeah, Bud, I remember. It just happened a few minutes ago.”

“Why were you kissing, Spencer?” Jack asked, his voice so earnest it made Spencer smile.

“Well, when you like someone in a romantic way, kissing them is a way to tell them you like them.”

“Like you used to kiss Mommy,” Jack stated.

“Exactly.”

“And the way you kissed Beth?”

Aaron paused, unsure how to answer that one. “Yeah,” he finally said, nodding lightly. 

The young boy thought for a moment before continuing. “So, when Beth comes back, are you going to kiss her or Spencer?”

A small frown passed over the older man’s face. He sighed hard before saying, “I don’t think Beth is going to be coming back, Jack. Things just...I don’t know. They weren’t working out.”

Jack adopted a similar look as his father. Jessica actually had to cover her mouth with her hand to stifle the giggle that threatened to expose the two watching the scene.

“But things are working out with Spencer because you were kissing him.”

“I hope they are,” Aaron answered in a quiet, unsure voice. Spencer suddenly wished he could just rush in there and remove any doubt from the other’s man mind. “Is that okay with you? If Beth is gone and we see Spencer around here more?”

Jack paused before nodding once in agreement. “Yes. I’m okay with that. Spencer’s nice and he answers questions and makes pancakes and you smile more when he is here. You don’t make Picture Day Face with him like you did with Beth.”

“Picture Day Face?” Aaron asked.

“That’s what Miss JJ calls it when you have to smile but you don’t want to so it doesn’t look like a real smile. Like on Picture Day.”

Spencer smirked. He knew that shouldn’t make him so happy, but deep inside, it really did. Jessica leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Don’t get too cocky there, Genius Boy. Remember - if you hurt them…”

She left the statement hanging as she walked out into the living room to talk to her favorite men. Spencer shuddered lightly. The Hotchner/Brooks clan was certainly going to be keeping him on his toes.


	13. The Closest Thing

_The closest thing to being cared for is to care for someone else. ~ Carson McCullers_

They finished out the day with movies and a dinner of salad and sandwiches. Spencer was pleased to see Aaron actually eating. As Jack was yawning wide at the end of the last movie, Jessica got him up and in the tub before putting him to bed. Once she had him tucked in, Aaron and Spencer came in and Aaron read him a story until the boy fell into a deep sleep. 

Before she left, she kissed both men on their cheeks, telling Aaron she would be back in the morning to pick up Jack for school. Spencer had nearly forgotten that he would have to return to work now that Monday was rolling around again.

“I guess I should head back to my place tonight,” Spencer said as he helped Aaron back to his bedroom. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay and help out?”

Aaron smiled at him. “No Spencer, you don’t have to stay. Go back to work. I’m sure if you're out too much longer, Strauss will come and find you herself. I doubt she’d like what she’d find.”

“What?” Spencer said with a smile. “Someone helping his friend and colleague out post-surgery? I’m sure it happens all the time, Aaron.”

“Friends who kiss?”

“I have a lot of friends who kiss.”

“Friends who kiss you?”

Spencer snorted a laugh at that. “Well, maybe not.”

“You know, I have heard it on great authority that it’s much safer than shaking hands.”

Spencer laughed out loud at that one. “Sounds like someone who really knows what they are talking about.” 

Aaron reached up, scratching lightly at his scars and across his abdomen. “This tape makes me itchy and I still feel so dirty.”

“Well,” Spencer said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’re not supposed to shower more than once every other day according to your discharge paperwork. But I suppose I could give you a sponge bath if you wanted.”

Aaron narrowed his eyes at him as if he was trying to determine if Spencer was teasing him or not. “I could probably do it myself.”

“I don’t think I’d trust you not to get your incision site wet and besides, you are not allowed to twist and I’m sure you’d make a mess of things without me.”

“Spencer Reid,” Aaron teased. “Is this some kind of secret ploy just to see me naked?”

He couldn’t help but laugh at that. The joking tone in Aaron’s voice made his heart skip a beat. This was the Aaron Hotchner that he missed. “I’ve already seen you naked and besides, I don’t think I need an ulterior motive, do I?”

“I guess not.” Aaron shrugged, waiting for Spencer’s next command. “Where do you want me? Bathroom again?”

“I’ve got a better idea.” Spencer made his way to the linen closet and pulled out two big towels before pulling down the blankets and laying them out on the bed. Aaron quickly understood what it was that Spencer wanted, so he stepped forward, letting the younger man help him out of his clothes. Once he was down to his underwear, he moved to the bed.

“How do you want me?”

Spencer barely held back the groan in his throat. Now was not the time for those kinds of thoughts.

“Can you lie down on your stomach?”

“I think so,” Aaron said as he moved toward the bed. Gingerly, he settled down onto the bed, resting his head on the pillow on top of his crossed arms. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron answered quietly. “I can be like this, but only for a little bit.”

“Perfect. Give me just a minute.”

Spencer quickly made his way back into the bathroom and prepared a small bowl of warm, soapy water and grabbed a soft washcloth and another towel. He came back to find Aaron laid out before him, relaxed and waiting. He took off his own shirt before dipping the cloth in the bowl and wringing it out so it wouldn’t drip everywhere.

“Still with me?” He asked quietly as he moved to kneel next to the bed.

“Yeah,” Aaron whispered. “I can’t believe how tired I am.”

“Your body is still recovering. Just give it some time.” 

Spencer’s hand hovered over the normally strong back before asking, “Ready?” When Aaron nodded, he began. Slowly, he swiped the soapy cloth over Aaron’s back and shoulders, drawing complex circles and figures over the prone man’s skin. For a while, he lost himself in the motion, letting the simple act of taking care of someone else, someone he cared about, calm and center him. When he reached the waistband of Aaron’s underwear, he stopped. “Should I..?”

“Go ahead,” Aaron answered quietly. 

Spencer reached down and hooked his fingers in elastic before sliding the cotton down his legs and over his feet. Then Aaron was bare before him. Spencer took a deep breath and fought to keep his erection at bay. Even as thin as he was, Aaron still had a brilliant ass and Spencer had to work hard not to stare. He had to repeat to himself over and over that he was here help, that now was not the time for inappropriate thoughts.

Dipping the cloth in the water again, Spencer moved back to continue his task, running his hand over the round globes of Aaron’s ass. When he dipped between Aaron’s cheeks, the older man moaned for a moment before spreading his legs a little wider. Spencer bit his lip to keep the whimper he felt bubbling up from escaping. He continued down the thin legs before delicately washing both feet. Once he was done, he asked, “Do you think you can roll over?”

“Uh, yeah, but give me a minute, please?”

Spencer tilted his head to the side, confused. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, but I may be a little…”

“I’ll help,” Spencer said, reaching under Aaron to help ease him first to his side when he noticed that the older man was aroused. “Oh!”

“Sorry,” Hotch mumbled, his cheeks heating with embarrassment as he rolled onto his back, his hands coming up to hide his proud cock.. 

“No! It’s alright. It’s a completely normal male reaction especially in this context. The epidermis is considered one large erogenous zone so the combination of the soft cloth and warm water would normally be enough to stimulate one to have an erection. Add into that the nurturing aspect of having someone care for and wash you in such a intimate position, I would be concerned if you didn’t get aroused, not that you would get aroused just because of me. And not that it would be bad if you didn’t because you are still on a lot of medications and sometimes that makes it difficult, even for the most virile of men and you’re probably still in a bit of pain so…”

“Spencer,” the older man interrupted with a small smirk on his face. “You’re rambling.”

“Sorry,” he replied, his cheeks heating handsomely. “It’s really okay though.”

“Thank you,” Aaron whispered. “I really do appreciate you doing this.”

Spencer just smiled and moved to dip the washcloth again before returning to his task on the man’s front half. Spencer did his best to keep his eyes from roaming over the body he’d desired for so long, but he found himself staring as he watched the path of the cloth roaming over thin shoulders and pronounced ribs. The scars didn’t bother him, they never had. He’d seen Hotch without a shirt several times since the Foyet attack and he knew they didn’t detract from Aaron’s beauty at all. If anything, they only added to his allure. Spencer had the sudden urge to lean down and run his bare fingers over one to see if it felt any different for his unmarred skin. He shook himself back to reality, only to see the smirk on Aaron’s face.

“I’m not distracting you, am I?

Spencer blushed again. “Shut up.”

Aaron chuckled. “No, you shut up.”

Still smiling, Spencer continued to clean the older man, occasionally dipping and wringing out the cloth before wiping him clean. Moving down his body, Spencer avoided Aaron’s groin, choosing instead to wash his legs and feet before leaving his greatest temptation for last. Taking a deep breath, Spencer gently placed his hand between Aaron’s thighs before running the cloth up, slowly rubbing in circles as he made his way ever upward until he finally bumped the underside of Aaron’s balls.

Aaron sucked in a breath and Spencer’s eyes darted up to make sure he hadn’t hurt the older man, but Aaron’s expression wasn’t one of pain but pleasure. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from keening out loud. He repeated the motion with a little more intent and received a very similar reaction. Aaron liked what he was doing - apparently he liked it a lot. Spencer took a deep breath before continuing, pressing back and focusing on cleaning the other man instead of arousing him. As he moved upward still, Aaron’s hand darted out and gripped his wrist tightly.

“I...I can’t,” Aaron stuttered, halting Spencer’s movements. Looking up, Spencer was surprised a the war going on in the dark depths of Aaron’s gaze. He saw a mixture of want and need, embarrassment and pain. Shaking fingers reached out and snatched the cloth from his hands and then Aaron was quickly wiping his own prick, sweeping the warm fabric over his hard length and pressing his lips together to keep from thrusting into the delicious sensation. As soon as he was done, Spencer was there with the towel, quickly wiping him dry. 

Aaron’s breath was harsh and labored, he was panting hard, almost too hard so Spencer found a clean pair of boxers and pulled thiem up Aaron’s legs and let the older man get them on. After Aaron adjusted himself, Spencer pulled the towels out from under him before pulling at the sheet up to his hips. Once he was no longer exposed, Aaron sighed, his breath finally calming down.

“Okay now?” Spencer asked, trying to sound calm even though he felt anything but. 

“Yeah. Sorry about that. It was just all too much.”

Spencer sighed as he began to clean the items up and return them to the bathroom. “Don’t apologize,” he said quietly. “I won’t ask what that was all about but we will talk about it soon, okay?”

Aaron sagged in relief. “Thank you.”

His eyes drifted closed and Spencer began to worry about his friend. “Aaron? Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can stay tonight and maybe work from here tomorrow if you need me.”

Chocolate eyes opened and regarded him again. “No, Spencer. I’m fine, really. Go home and then go to work. If I need anything, I promise I will let you or Jessica know.”

“I’ll be checking in on you frequently,” Spencer promised. “If you don’t answer your phone in a timely fashion, don’t be surprised if local law enforcement shows up at your door.”

Aaron chuckled tiredly at that and Spencer was encouraged that maybe he would be okay without him for the day. He wanted to let Aaron know that he wanted to tell the team but he worried what the reaction might be so he kept the idea to himself instead. He would see how tomorrow went. Spencer quickly pulled his shirt on and set about making sure everything would be ready for Aaron the next day - a water glass set out on the nightstand with next dose of medication lying next to it, cellphone plugged into the charger and extra blankets set on the end of the bed in case he got cold.

Spencer gathered up his things before checking first on Jack before standing next to the bed, staring down at Aaron.

It was several long moments before Aaron shifted and whispered, “I understand it’s supposed to creepy to watch someone sleeping.”

“But you’re not asleep so it’s not creepy.”

“Says you.” Aaron cracked open a eye and smiled at him. “Go ahead, Spencer. I’ll be fine. Promise.”

“Okay,” Spencer whispered, reaching out to run his fingers through the soft raven colored strands. “Sleep well.”

He forced himself to move away, to pull his fingers out from the soft, delicious strands. He waited to see if Aaron would wake when he left, if he would know that Spencer was gone. But as he moved away, Aaron didn’t stir. Maybe it was just as well. If he had, Spencer would have wanted to stay, wouldn’t have had the courage to leave. And he needed to go, needed to be in his own bed and get his head straight before the day that was to come.


	14. The Best of Intentions

Spencer sighed as he waited for the rest of the team to get to work. He knew there would be questions and he was still wrestling with how to deal with them. 

“Hey! Pretty Boy’s back!” Derek called as he stepped through the doors. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Spencer nodded, even though his thoughts continued to drift back to the Unit Chief recovering at home every thirty seconds or so. “Just a lot on my mind right now.”

Morgan nodded. “I’m sure. You’ve had a long weekend. How’s Hotch?”

“He’s recovering.” Spencer sighed. He knew what he wanted to do but it still didn’t mean it was going to be easy. “I’ll update everyone all together in the morning round table meeting.”

“Sounds good.”

The young genius was glad that his friend wasn’t fighting him on this. He wanted to do this just once. He continued to work on his case files that he had neglected while he was out taking care of Hotch, placing file after file into his “Out” bin. He chuckled, imagining Rossi’s face when he saw the stack he would have to review with Aaron out. There would be lots of cursing in Italian, without a doubt.

Finally, everyone had made it in and Rossi signaled that it was time to start the Monday morning meeting. They all filed in, smiling and greeting each other, asking about weekend activities and such. When JJ asked Spencer about Hotch, he just smiled before he rose to close the door.

“What’s up, Kid?” Rossi asked.

Spencer took a deep breath before releasing it harshly, shaking his head as he did so. Looking around the room, he started.

“Okay, I’m going to say this and I’d like it if you’d all just let me talk until I finish. I promise I’ll answer any questions that you have once I’m done, alright?”

Once everyone nodded and Rossi took a seat, he began.

“So, the day we got back from the case, I spoke with the doctor that did Hotch’s surgery. They were concerned because there were some issues and complications that needed to be resolved. From what they found and what I’ve observed over the past week, I believe the doctor’s conclusion is correct.”

He took a deep breath to calm his nerves.

“Aaron has a eating disorder, most likely a complex combination of anorexia and bulimia. He had scarring in his throat and the doctor thinks the tearing of the adhesions happened because of a violent purging session. This is not something that happened overnight but he has been dealing with for a while. He’s having a hard time owning up to it and I have a feeling he will most likely deny it if any of you ask him about it. He has been fighting me even though he knows he can’t really deny it. But I know we’ve all seen it. We’ve just been blind to it. I mean, come on, it can’t be just me.”

He stood and waited, sure he would get some uproar of denials, but they never came. 

“He has been losing weight,” Derek stated after a moment. “I noticed he was quite a bit thinner at the tri. He did well but he hardly ate after. If I did something like that, he would have eaten everything in sight.”

“And he doesn’t really eat when we all go out, even on cases,” JJ added. “Has anyone else noticed how he fills everyone’s plate but his own?”

Rossi nodded slowly. “He doesn’t drink sweet tea anymore. I can’t stand the stuff but the last time we went out just the two of us, he didn’t order any. I teased him about it and he brushed it off as he was trying to avoid the calories and just drank water instead, And he only has one scotch. He nurses it like an old lady. Plus he started using the John on the upper level. He never did that before. That was always mine.” 

Spencer just stood back and shook his head. This was definitely not the reaction he was expecting. He figured they would yell at him, deny it, fight him on it every step of the way. Instead, they were seeing what he had, the truths that had been staring them in the eye for so long that they all refused to see. He realized that he should have expected this. He was surrounded by some of the best profilers in the Bureau, of course they would piece it together. 

Suddenly, Garcia gasped, her hand slapping over her mouth. “The blondies,” she whispered, tears threatening to fall from her wide eyes. “Did I do this? Did I almost kill Hotch?”

Spencer walked over to her as Emily reached over to take Garcia’s trembling hand in her own. “What are you talking about, Penelope?” Emily asked.

“I gave Hotch his own plate of the salted caramel blondies he likes so much,” she explained. “He took the last one home saying he was going to take them to Jack and Jessica because they loved them so I made him one just for him to keep in his office. Was that what..?”

She couldn’t finish the thought as the tears began to fall. 

“No Garcia,” Spencer said softly. “It would have happened eventually whether you gave him those or not. He has a problem but we can help.” 

“We?” Derek asked. “How can we help?”

“By watching out for him when he gets back. We’ve talked about him seeing a dietician and a therapist to get to the root of the problem. I’ve been staying with him to get past these first few days. It not like he’s going to get better overnight.”

They all smiled, nodding lightly, ready to help one of their own. 

“But what caused this to happen?” JJ asked. “He hasn’t always been like this.”

Spencer sighed, wondering if he should bring this up but he figured in for a penny, in for a pound.

“Beth.”

“What?” Emily asked. “His girlfriend?”

“She’s not exactly his girlfriend anymore.” When they looked at him, waiting for an answer, Spencer continued. “Beth was kind of the root of a lot of Aaron’s problems so I ended up kicking her out.”

“What do you mean the root of his problem?”

Spencer sighed, avoiding any eye contact. “It was a lot of little things but I heard her.” Carefully, Spencer began to tell the team about all the things he saw and heard while he was helping Hotch - all the names she called him, how condescending she was, how she continuously played it off as teasing. When he was done, they all sat back, absorbing the information. 

“She...she did all of the that to our Bossman?” Garcia asked, her bottom lip trembling with barely restrained tears. “That bitch!” She spat. “What are we going to do about her?”

“Nothing,” Reid said, patting her shoulder lightly. “Aaron wouldn’t want us to do anything. I kicked her out. As long as she stays away from Aaron, that’s enough.”

“But...but she hurt him. Like he almost died hurt him! She deserves at least to have all of her emails suddenly disappear. Oh! Or her social media accounts could all mysteriously declare that she is a self-proclaimed terrible person.”

They all chuckled at the Technical Analyst’s ideas. Just plotting her revenge seemed to make her feel better, so Spencer let her go on, chuckling as her ideas grew more and more elaborate. 

When she finally talked herself out, Spencer sighed. “Thanks for not freaking out about this. I know it’s not going to be easy, but with all of us there for him, I’m sure Aaron will get better with time.”

They all agreed to be there for their Unit Chief in whatever way they could. Once all of the questions and comments about the missing member of the team were done, Rossi took over and finished the morning meeting like normal, handing out assignments and scheduling custodials they could handle while Aaron was out.

As they all separated to go back to their desks and offices to complete their work, Rossi stopped Spencer with a gentle grip on his elbow.

They waited until they were alone before Spencer asked, “What’s up?”

“I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this on your own,” Dave said, his face as serious as Spencer had ever seen it. “Why didn’t you call for some help or anything. You know we all would have been there for you both..”

“I know. Aaron is just so...private. I didn’t know how he would react with everyone coming over and seeing him like that. He hates for people to think that he’s weak.”

Dave shook his head, chuckling lightly. “Don’t I know it. I can’t believe he let you tell us instead of him telling us himself although I’m sure he would downplay it with everything he has.”

“Well,” Spencer started, refusing to look the elder profiler in the eyes. “He doesn’t exactly know that I told you guys.”

“What?! Spencer. Please tell me you didn’t just break Aaron’s confidence in this.”

“You guys need to know and if he were here, I know that Aaron would deny it. He needs us to be strong enough to help him and not just take him at his word that he will just be okay. This is not something you just get better from all on your own.”

“I know that, Kid, but Aaron could see this as a betrayal.”

Spencer shook his head. “He’ll understand,” he whispered. “I’ll explain it, when the time is right, and he’ll understand.”

“I hope you’re right.” 

Before he could leave, Rossi called out to him once more. “Reid! I noticed that you keep calling him Aaron.”

“What?”

“You haven’t called him Hotch once since you’ve gotten back. Is there something you want to tell me?”

Spencer did his best to keep his poker face in place even though it was very hard under the scrutiny of such a senior profiler.

“Not yet,” Spencer said eventually. “But when we’re ready, I’ll let you know.”

“Just be careful, Kid. You’re messing with more than just his heart, you know.”

Spencer smiled a soft, sad smile. He knew. He knew all too well. Before he slipped out the door, he heard Rossi whisper, “I sure hope you know what you’re doing, Kid.”

He could only agree.


	15. Two Steps Back

Aaron sighed as he puttered around the house. He was so happy that he was finally feeling better. It had only been three days since Spencer had gone back to work at the BAU but just being on his own seemed to be helping him, making him feel more independent. Aaron knew the psychology of what he was going through, knew what the textbook definitions of eating disorders and the like were, but seeing the behavior in himself was difficult. He researched online and while some things struck home with him, there was so much that just didn’t fit.

He thought back to his life growing up and how his parents would talk to him. They were always putting him down. His father had wanted him to play football or baseball, while Aaron liked participating in sports like soccer or swimming or basketball. His father called them ‘silly sports’ and refused to come to any of the meets or games that Aaron participated in.

His mother was always exasperated by Aaron’s eating habits. Because the boy was in constant motion, he needed to fuel, so it seemed to the older woman that the young boy was constantly eating her out of house and home. More than once she had called him a garbage disposal as he effective cleaned his plate and any leftover food on the table. He remembered becoming so self-conscious about it when he hit his early teens that he would hide food and eat it in secret so he wouldn’t get teased about it.

He recognized that as one of the warning signs now but at the time he was just trying to save himself some grief. He was kid. He just wanted to eat and not be hungry. Why couldn’t his family understand that?

His mother teased him about how chubby he was as a child, saying he was her little pudgy boy, but in all of the pictures he’d seen, he was skinny – too skinny. It had taken him until nearly halfway through high school before he finally felt at home in his own skin.

Even his life with Haley was an up and down with food. Every time Haley went on a diet, so did Aaron. She would just walk in and announce they were on a new diet and Aaron just had to go along with it. She would occasionally go through the kitchen, throwing away any offensive foods whether they were Aaron’s favorites or not. The worst was when she went on a special diet after Jack was born. It was an awful idea where she was only consuming five hundred calories a day and taking these special drops. It felt like Aaron was hungry all of the time and he would sneak into any drive-thru he could find on the way to and from work. It was the first time he’d actually gained weight while Haley was dieting. He learned the best routes for the most healthy foods, but fast food is still fast food. He always made sure to eat all the food and slip the trash away before he entered the building. 

After the divorce, it became easier and easier to eat out. That was one of the reasons Aaron decided to start training for the triathlon. It forced him to workout and eat better. He had always been a goal oriented person and knowing that he would be in front of everyone in a skin tight spandex outfit was enough to help change his poor eating habits. Then he became obsessed with how much he was eating. He tracked every meal, every snack, every calorie, wondering when he was going to get fat. 

He wondered if all of this had contributed to where he was now. He figured it was most likely that so much more.

He had just walked into the kitchen, getting ready to prepare his lunch, when he heard a frantic knocking at his front door.

Slowly he made his way over to the front door. He froze in shock when he looked through the peephole and saw Beth standing there. He reached up and punched in the code for the alarm before slowly opening the door. As soon as it was halfway open, Beth stormed through the door before quickly turned on him.

“I can NOT believe you, Aaron Hotchner!” She spat, his voice high and shrill. “I thought we were good and then you let that boy throw me out and then you do THIS?! Do you really hate me that much?”

Aaron shook his head. “Beth. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, sure. You don’t know what I’m talking about. You don’t know anything about the thirty-seven unsolicited dick pics that have been sent to me in the last twelve hours. Don’t deny it, Aaron. I know it was you. It has to be. You are the only one I sent those pictures to!”

“Beth, I promise. I didn’t do anything.”

“When I first starting getting the pictures, I thought it was just a fluke but then one of my friends sent me a message that someone had set up a profile with my name and picture on this online dating site. I looked it up and I...I knew it was you. Look!”

She turned her phone toward him and he looked at the profile picture. It was one she had sent him when he was out of town on a long case. She was wearing the lingerie he had bought for her, spread out across her bed with her hair falling over her shoulders. 

As he began to read the profile, he felt like he was going to be sick. It contained all of her personal information including her phone number and requests for men to send her ‘pictures of their long, hard cocks’. It said she wanted people to call her fat, or chubby, that she was hoping some ‘chubby chaser’ would come and ‘take her for a ride’. 

Aaron just shook his head in disbelief. This was wrong. He didn’t do this.

“I...I didn’t do this, Beth. I promise you.”

“Oh, you might not have done it. But you know who did!”

When she said the words, he knew she was right. He did know who did this.

“You work with one the best hackers around, Aaron, and you think I don’t know how this happened.”

“I don’t know how,” Aaron explained quickly, his head swirling with the possibilities. “I didn’t tell her. I haven’t even seen her.”

“You haven’t but you can’t tell me that your little doctor friend kept this all to himself. He seemed more than happy to kick me out of here the other night. I’m sure he was behind all of this.”

Aaron shook his head. He couldn’t believe it - didn’t want to believe it. Spencer wouldn’t do that to him, betray his biggest secret to the team. But if was honest with himself, it was the only explanation. 

“I’ll take care of it,” he promised.

“You’d better,” Beth spat as she walked toward the door. “If this isn’t resolved soon, I may have to take action. I’m sure your bosses wouldn’t be to happy to have a Unit Chief that’s being sued for slander.”

“Beth,” he said, reaching out to grab her elbow, stopping her retreat. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t know. I will take care of it.”

She sighed, obviously believing him. “What happened to us, Aaron?”

He smiled, something soft and sad. “We just weren’t right, Beth. It’s my fault. I did so much to make you happy and sacrificed myself to do it.”

“I never wanted you to change, Aaron. I just wanted you.”

He smiled a real smile then before pulling her into a loose hug. 

“I’ll fix this, Beth. I promise.”

She pulled back before leaning up for a soft, chaste kiss that he allowed. When she pulled back, she smiled, tears glimmering in her eyes. 

“Goodbye, Aaron.”

After she slipped out the door, he immediately made his way down the hallway to grab his work phone. He hit the number and waited for the answer. 

“Aaron,” Rossi greeted jovially. “I didn't expect to hear from you for at least another week. Are you that bored already?”

“Dave,” Aaron snapped. “Get the team and bring them to my place now.”

“Is everything alright?” Rossi sounded nervous. “What’s going on? Why didn’t you call Reid?”

“Just get here. Everyone. Make sure Garcia comes too.”

“Okay, Aaron. We’ll be there.”

Without waiting for Dave to say goodbye, Aaron hung up the phone. He was angry. He hadn’t been this angry in so long. He stalked back to his bedroom as quickly as he could, needing to change his clothes before the team got there. This was going to take more than sleep pants and t-shirt. Aaron needed to be Unit Chief Hotchner to do what he was about to do.


	16. The Biggest Mistake

Spencer sat in the bullpen, surrounded by JJ, Prentiss and Garcia. He had a new trick to show them and he needed the distraction. The downtime was nice and they were all getting a lot of necessary paperwork done but Spencer couldn’t get his mind off of Aaron at home by himself. They hadn’t been called away yet, there were no cases that the other teams couldn’t handle. That made him happy. He didn’t know how he would handle it if anything happened to Aaron while he was gone.

The solution was doing its job and the liquid began to bubble before it turned into a foam, one that Spencer could easily manipulate. The crowd around him all laughed and applauded. Spencer smiled. This was good. The only thing that could make it better would be to have Aaron here as well.

Rossi suddenly bolted out of his office before making his way quickly down the stairs toward them. 

“Clean it up and let’s go, my nerds,” the elder profiler said as he stopped by Spencer’s desk. 

“Go where?” JJ asked. “I didn’t got notification that we had a case.”

Dave looked right at Spencer. “It’s Aaron.”

Spencer was up and out of his seat before he knew it, knocking his trick/experiment over in the process. 

“Aaron?! Why did he call you and not me?”

“I don’t know. He just said get the team and come.”

Spencer nodded before he quickly scooped up his materials and put everything away. By the time he had his desk clean and his messenger bag packed, everyone else was ready to go.

They loaded into the SUVs, unsure of what to expect. The entire way to Aaron’s apartment, Spencer sent text after text to Aaron’s phone, each one was left unanswered.

**_*Aaron, what’s wrong?*_ **

**_*R U OK?*_ **

**_*Please tell me what’s going on?*_ **

**_*Please Aaron*_ **

The longer the trip got, the more anxious Spencer became. By the time they reached Aaron’s building, Spencer was a bundle of nerves, his hands visibly trembling.

They all quickly made their way up to apartment and Spencer darted forward to unlock the door with the key Aaron had given him. He was stopped by a firm hand on his bicep.

“Shouldn’t we knock first?” Dave asked.

Spencer glared at the other man before raising his fist to rap three times on the door before swinging it open.

They stepped inside and Spencer was surprised to see Aaron standing with his back pressed against the far wall, glaring at them as they all piled in the room. The young genius began to quickly catalogue his friend and it made his worry ratchet up even higher. Aaron was dressed head to toe. That couldn't have been easy, not with his incision. He had on a long sleeved henley, a pair of pressed dark washed jeans and a pair of slip-ons, most likely because he wouldn’t be able to bent over to put on socks or tie a pair of shoes. This was not good. Aaron always wore his clothing like armor and this was as close to Unit Chief Hotchner the man could get on his own in his present condition.

Fear zinged through Spencer’s body. This was bad.

“Aaron?” Dave asked, the first one to find his voice. “What did you need us all here for?”

“Sit.”

It was a command that they all quickly moved to comply with. Once they were all settled, they turned to their unit chief who was still glaring at them. Silence reigned for several minutes until Aaron’s hands dropped to his sides and he stalked toward the technical analyst.

“What did you do?” He nearly growled.

Garcia looked around, his eyes wide and wild.

“What?” She asked. “I don’t kn…”

“What did you do!?” Aaron shouted.

“I...we...it wasn’t that…”

“Beth was just here, Garcia. So tell me, what did you do!?!”

“Hotch,” JJ stepped in. “We didn’t mean any harm, we just…”

“You were in on it too!? Jesus Christ, I canNOT believe this.”

“What’s going on?” Derek asked, trying to defuse the situation.

Aaron stood tall, glaring down at the two women who were practically cowering under his gaze. “Tell them,” he prompted.

Garcia shook her head as tears began to run down her cheeks.

“It was just a joke. We didn’t mean any harm.”

“You didn’t mean any harm?” Aaron scoffed. “You didn’t mean any harm? You hacked into my ex-girlfriend’s phone and retrieved private photos - photos that she had only sent to me - set up a false online dating profile using her personal email and phone number soliciting dick pics and derogatory comments to be sent to her and you didn’t mean any harm?!?! Did you use Federal resources for a personal vendetta?”

“NO!” Garcia denied. “I used my own laptop.”

“Oh! Because that is so much better. She’s is threatening to sue me, Garcia. Who do you think they are going to implicate in a situation like this?”

“Aaron, please calm down,” Spencer said, starting to rise to comfort the older man, when Aaron rounded on him, shutting him down with a single look.

“Calm down? You did this. You told them. I can’t believe you told them without my consent.”

Spencer gaped at him, unsure of what to say to diffuse the situation, to make it better. The truth was the only answer he could come up with.

“They needed to know,” he tried. “We’re family and they have a right…”

“You had no right, Reid!” Aaron shouted. “No right! This is my life and I get to decide when and what I share with you.”

“You almost died, Aaron and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep that from happening again.”

“And she deserved it, Bossman,” Garcia pled. “She deserved that and so much more for what she did to you.”

Hotch looked angry - angrier than Spencer had ever seen him and he’d seen Hotch pretty angry before. The slumped shoulders, his hands in tight fists, his lips pressed together in a thin line. This was very bad. He listened as Garcia stammered, trying to get the words out but they just wouldn’t come out properly. He silently hoped that the woman would stop trying to make it better, just realize that she was making things worse, but she didn’t. She just kept talking and digging herself into a deeper hole.

“Get out,” Hotch said, his voice sounding like a harsh, deep growl.

They all froze as Garcia’s jaw snapped shut with a audible click. They looked between Hotch and Reid, trying to get an idea of what to do.

“I said. Get. Out.”

The words were hot and stung as he spit them at his team.

“Yes, everyone,” Spencer started, “I think maybe you should…”

“You too!” Hotch yelled. 

Spencer froze, a look of confusion and pure terror on his face. “Aaron?” He asked as he stepped forward, reaching out to calm his friend. Hotch jerked away, cocking his hand back as if he were about to strike.

“I said, get out of my house!”

Everyone started to move. They had never heard Hotch raise his voice, not like this, not at them. Spencer stood frozen, not knowing what to do.

Hotch brought his hands forward, landing them on Spencer’s shoulders before pushing him back with what little strength he had as he screamed, **“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!** ”

Spencer stumbled back in shock and then Rossi was there, gripping his elbow and nearly pulling him out of the front door as he watched Aaron screaming at him to get out as tears streamed down his face. He didn’t realize he had matching tears until he was in the elevator and JJ was wiping his face. 

“What have I done?” He asked himself as he stared ahead, shock setting in. “What have I done?”


	17. Too Much of a Good Thing

Spencer was plodding around his apartment, trying to find something to do to take his mind off this horrible situation. It had been four days since Aaron had kicked them all out of his apartment, basically shunning Spencer from his life. The young genius had done everything he could think of to try to reach out to his friend, to apologize for what he had done, but Aaron was still refusing to speak to him.

He’d been able to get in touch with Jessica but all the woman would say was that Aaron was still angry with him and didn’t want to see him. Having the message relayed that way nearly broke his heart. Spencer knew he’d screwed up, that he needed to make it up to Aaron, but how could he do that if the other man wouldn’t talk to him?

It was now Sunday afternoon and the entire weekend had been a wash of the young genius. He’d tried to read but it seemed like the words refused to make sense, even when he slowed down to his casual reading pace of five thousand words per minute. He’d tried concentrating on a few of the projects he was working on but he’s just sit still, fingers hovering uselessly over the keyboard, seemingly unable to move. He’d cleaned every surface in his apartment, rearranged the furniture twice and had cataloged the food in his kitchen. He’d even tried watching tv but nothing held his interest and he kept finding his thoughts drifting back to Aaron all alone at home with Jack. 

Jack. 

Spencer missed the young boy more than he realized. He missed the smiles and the random questions and the endless energy the boy seemed to display. He wondered if Jack had asked about him, if he missed Spencer too. That made him wonder what Aaron would tell him. Would Jack hate him for hurting his dad? He sighed at the thought, rubbing his forehead to keep the headache at bay.

 

Finally Spencer decided that he might as well get ready for bed. He wasn’t getting anything else done and he did have work the next day. As he walked into his bedroom, he saw his work phone flash as a call came in. Happy that they might be being called away on a case, anything to take his mind off of Aaron and their fight, Spencer grabbed the phone to answer it. When he looked at the caller ID on the screen, his stomach sank and his heart started racing.

It was Aaron.

Thumbing the button to answer the call, Spencer asked, “Aaron? Is everything alright?”

There was silence on the line for a moment before he heard a tiny whisper reply, “Spencer?”

“Jack?!” Spencer nearly shouted into the phone in terror. What was Jack doing calling him on Aaron’s work phone. This was bad. This was very bad. “Jack, where’s your dad?”

When Jack started crying on the other end of the phone, Spencer turned and bolted for his front door. “Jack!” he shouted into the phone as he quickly pulled on his shoes, completely forgoing his socks, grabbing his keys and bag on his way out the door, “Jack, what’s going on?”

“You’re not here,” Jack whispered, his voice rough and quiet. Spencer had to listen hard over the rush of blood in his ears and pounding of his heart to hear what the young boy was saying. “Don’t you like us anymore?”

“Of course I still like you,” he explained hurriedly as he rushed down the stairs, “But your dad and I had a fight and he needed time to cool down. Now tell me, Jack, where’s your dad?”

Jack sighed and hiccuped, obviously holding back his tears. “You didn’t get rid of the bad shampoo.”

Spencer had just sat down in the front seat of his car when he heard the words and he felt like his heart had stopped. _No._

“What did you say, Jack?”

“You didn’t get rid of the bad shampoo and now dad’s in the bathroom barfing.”

Spencer started the engine and pulled out of his parking space, tires squealing as he sped out of the lot. He quickly put the phone on speaker before asking, “What happened? Can you tell me what you and your dad have been doing today?”

“Are...are you coming?” the boy asked, soft and fearful.

“Yes, Jack. I’m on my way right now. I’ll be there soon, I promise.”

“Okay.”

“So..?”

“So, Dad has been kinda sad and quiet but today he was smiling and he said he’d make me anything I wanted for dinner and I said anything? and he said sure so I asked for Mac and Cheese. You know how much I like Mac and Cheese.”

When the boy paused the conversation, Spencer prompted, “Yeah, I know you do Buddy. So..?”

“So, Dad said sure and went to make Mac and Cheese but he didn’t make the box kind. He made the kind like you make, you know, in the oven with the crunchy stuff on top.”

“Okay…”

“But when it came out I asked if you were coming over since he made so much and I asked where you were and he said he didn’t know what you were doing or nothing and then we ate it all.”

“You ate it all?” Spencer gasped. “Just the two of you?”

“Yeah, I got full but Dad kept on eating and eating. Then he said he needed to take shower and now he’s barfing but you said he wouldn’t do that no more.”

Spencer let the words soak in as his skin went cold at the thought. Aaron had eaten almost a whole pan of Baked Mac and Cheese by himself. The recipe easily made a full four to six servings of the thick, rich pasta dish. And now Aaron was making himself throw it up. He swallowed hard to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. 

“Jack, I am so sorry. I’m on my way. I promise I’ll be right there. Can you stay on the phone with me?”

“Yeah,” the boy answered. “He stopped now but it’s all quiet.”

Fear clenched Spencer’s heart. “Jack, can you go knock on the door for me?”

Spencer listened intently as the boy softly knocked on the door. He tried again with no answer.

“Dad?” the boy called. No answer. “Daddy, are you alright?” Still nothing. When he began to cry, Spencer tried to calm him.

“Jack, it’s okay, Buddy. I’m just a few blocks away. I’ll be right there. I promise.”

“Hurry.” was the last thing he heard before the line went dead. Spencer dared to push his poor car just a little harder. He needed to get there and he needed to get there now. This was so bad and it was all his fault. If he hadn’t told the team, hadn’t gone against Aaron’s wishes, they would have been together, he could have stopped Aaron from doing something so reckless. He wouldn’t have been the reason why Aaron was hiding in the bathroom at all. 

Guilt tore at him as he pulled into the parking space next to Aaron’s before grabbing his bag and darting up the stairs. He didn’t even bother to knock, he simply unlocked the door and sprinted for the bathroom.

Jack was still there, curled up in a little ball, arms wrapped around his little legs as he gently rocked himself. He looked up when Spencer came down the hall and stood before quickly throwing himself at the young genius. Spencer knelt down to hold the little boy and calm him down. Jack rubbed his tear and snot stained face against Spencer, begging him to make it better.

Spencer eventually pulled the boy away, looking down into his puffy eyes.

“Go into the kitchen, Jack,” Spencer whispered, gently directing the boy that way. “I’ll call you if I need any help.”

Jack nodded before slowly making his way down the hallway, looking back several times to make sure the Spencer was watching. Finally, he turned the corner to go into kitchen so Spencer turned his attention to the closed door. He pressed his ear against the door to see if he could hear any movement but it was silent inside.

He knocked gently before calling out Aaron’s name.

Silence greeted him and, in a panic, Spencer pulled out his multi-tool and set to picking the lock. It was a simple lock and popped open quickly and when Spencer eased open the door, he was greeted with a sight he’d hope to never see.

Aaron had passed out on the floor, crammed between the tub and the toilet, his breathing short and shallow. The inside of the bowl was a mess. There were swirls of the sick all over. The purging had been violent and when he looked closer, Spencer realized he could see flecks of red.

Aaron was bleeding.

Falling to his knees, Spencer reached out to check Aaron’s pulse, releasing a sigh of relief when he found it strong and steady. If he had pulled any inner stitches or had pulled any more of the adhesions, Aaron would need another surgery and Spencer had no idea how long he’s been like this. When Aaron had passed out at the office, they were able to get him right to the hospital, but now he had to hope he had gotten to him in time. 

He gripped the once strong shoulder and shook Aaron slightly, simply trying to jostle the older man awake.

Aaron’s eyes cracked before he looked at Spencer, his eyes growing wide.

“Go away,” he mumbled as he tried to sit up. “Don’t need you.”

Spencer refused to be moved and slowly helped Aaron into a seated position. “No, Aaron. I’m not going away. What I did was wrong and I’m sorry but I’m not leaving. You need help. Let me help you.”

“No.” Aaron pushed at him but it was weak and ineffective. “NO,” he tried again but Spencer was not going to be moved. “No,” whispered, weaker this time. Aaron kept repeating the word until he broke down in tears as Spencer pulled him into his arms, soothing and crooning to him until Aaron had cried himself out.

“How could you?” He finally asked into Spencer’s chest, unable or unwilling to look up, Spencer didn’t know. “How could you do that? You know I don’t like people to know. You know that!”

“I know Aaron and I’m so sorry. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever done. If I could take it back, I would, but I can’t and all I can say is that I’m sorry.” 

Aaron sighed before struggling to sit up. The simple motion made his head and stomach swim again and he leaned forward, retching into the toilet bowl. Nothing came out except for a trickle of spittle and blood. Spencer quickly stood and wet a washcloth before kneeling down to wipe the tears and sweat and ick off of Aaron’s face. He put his hands on either side of the older man’s cheeks before leaning forward to place a kiss lightly on his forehead. 

Forcing Aaron to look at him, Spencer whispered, “We need to get you to the hospital.”

Aaron groaned, not wanting to hear that at all but Spencer was resolute.

“No Aaron. You’re bleeding. I don’t know if it’s from your stomach or your throat or your gums but we need to get you checked out by the doctor. You get two choices and that’s it.”

“What choices?” he asked. 

“If you want me to drive or have a ambulance come?”

Aaron flinched and shut his eyes. “You drive,” he answered quietly.

“And do you want Jack to come or should I call Jessica?”

“Jack!” Aaron gasped as he tried to stand. Spencer quickly put out his hand, stopping the panicked man’s upward momentum. 

“He’s fine. I asked him to wait in the kitchen.”

“Is he...does he know?”

Spencer nodded softly. “He called me.”

Aaron deflated slightly, sagging against the wall in his despair. Finally he looked up.

“Let’s go.”

Spencer turned questioning eyes to him, Aaron just nodded. 

“He’s going to be a part of this recovery process too. He needs to come.”

“Okay,” Spencer replied, helping Aaron up, hoping this time, neither of them would screw things up.


	18. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short. It was eight that or wait for a longer one on Wednesday. I’m a little swamped with RL at the moment.

Spencer sat in the waiting area, telling Jack the story of a magicless wizard named Rincewind as the boy sat in his lap, ignoring the bustle of the medical personnel around them. He was doing his best to deflect the young boy’s attention from worrying about his father who was currently having an ultrasound of his abdomen done. Spencer had wracked his brain, trying to come up with an appropriate story to keep the boy occupied until the doctor came back to give them the news. Jack had refused to let Spencer continue Harry Potter because it wasn’t right without his dad. Spencer agreed.

Too many stories didn’t seem appropriate for the young boy so he discarded them outright. His own mother had told him the stories of Titus Andronicus and Tristan and Isolde by the time he was Jack’s age but he knew that Aaron would not appreciate that same education, so Discworld it was. The story of the reluctant hero somehow seemed appropriate. 

Finally, Doctor Taylor stepped out and motioned them forward. As soon as Jack was on his feet, he moved to dart past the doctor to go see his father in the other room. Spencer stopped him with a strong grip on his shoulder.

“It’s alright,” Doctor Taylor said, smiling down at the young boy. “He can’t talk right now but if you are very careful, you can go sit on the bed with your dad, okay Jack?”

“Promise,” the young man said as he zoomed into the room. The two men followed behind, holding back in the doorway. Spencer smiled as he watched the boy hugging his father. It was going to be okay. They were going to be okay.

“Dr. Reid,” Doctor Taylor whispered, touching his elbow to direct him into the hallway. Spencer waited a moment, meeting Aaron’s eyes before slipping into out of the room after him. 

“Is Aaron going to be alright?”

Doctor Taylor smiled softly, shaking his head. “It was close, Dr. Reid. That level of trauma could have torn stitches or another adhesion. Luckily he didn’t. The blood is simply from the scarring in his throat. All that stomach acid has torn up the lining of his esophagus. We had to cauterize the wounds to seal them so he won’t be able to talk for a couple of days but he’ll be alright as long as he follows instructions.”

Spencer sighed in relief, tears pricking his eyes. Aaron was going to be alright. Now he just needed to repair their relationship, somehow, someway.

“Thank you,” he was able to choke out before turning to rejoin the Hotchner men. The doctor followed him in as they both stopped at the end of the bed.

“Now, we had to cauterize about three tears in your throat so it will probably be at least two or three days before you’ll be able to talk. I expect you will follow the rules this time because I do not want to see you back here, Aaron.”

The prone man rolled his eyes, groaning lightly at the orders. Spencer snorted back a chuckle. This was not going to be easy for the Unit Chief.

“What about diet?” Spencer asked.

“Liquid only for at least three days. Nothing too hot or spicy but I’d like him to consume a particularly calorie dense diet. I’ll give you the guidelines with the discharge paperwork.”

“Thank you. I’ll be sure he follows the orders this time.”

Aaron glared at him before gesturing between them, silently asking him how he was planning on doing that. Spencer smirked as he pulled out his phone.

“Dave? Yeah, I’m taking the week. What? No, everything is okay. I need the time. I’ll submit the paperwork with Strauss when I get back to Aaron’s. No, don’t call. I’ve got it covered. Thanks. I’ll tell him.”

Aaron looked him with a quizzical look on his face.

“Dave says hi.”

The glare would have been deadly if it wasn’t accompanied by Jack’s smiling face pressed against his cheek. 

“I’ll get the discharge papers going. I’ll be right back.”

As soon as Doctor Taylor was out of the room, Spencer stepped around the bed to sit on the edge opposite Jack. He sighed, waiting for Aaron to meet his eyes. When it looked like that wasn’t going to happen, he reached over and took the older man’s hand in his own.

“Aaron.” Slowly, Aaron turned his head to look at him, his deep brown eyes sad and sorrowful. He couldn’t help but feel awful that he was the cause of that. “I am so sorry. I’m sorry that I told the team without you there or asking your permission first. I’m sorry that Garcia did what she did to Beth. I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did. I honestly thought I was doing what was best. Please. Let me make it up to you.”

Aaron stared at him for a long time. Spencer began to worry that it was too much to ask, that he had pushed Aaron too far but then he softly nodded, closing his eyes as he did so.

Spencer smiled wide then, happy to know that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t destroyed everything between them.

Doctor Taylor came back in shortly after with a clipboard in his hands. He had Aaron sign in the appropriate places before handing the instructions to Spencer. 

“I mean it this time, Aaron. I really don’t want to see you back in here again. Follow the instructions. No talking and enjoy your milkshakes.”

“Thank you,” Spencer said, stepping forward to shake the doctor’s hand. “We’ll see you at the follow up in a week.”

Getting Aaron home was easy but he knew the next three days were going to be rough. Not being able to talk was not going to be easy on them but he was determined to make it work.


	19. Back to That

The next three days were tough on all of them. Spencer got the brilliant idea to go buy an eraser board so Aaron could communicate easier. The small white board was just sitting there in the checkout lane when Spencer went to the grocery store as if it were a sign. The doctor had suggested calorie heavy shakes and soups that could easily be swallowed by Aaron’s healing throat. It looked like the blender was going to get a lot of work.

Aaron spent a lot of his days sleeping, which worried Spencer. He didn’t know if it was depression setting in or if Aaron was simply trying to avoid him. Either way was not good. Aaron had told him to go home over and over again, scribbling the words, sometimes in huge block letters, but the young genius refused. He stayed, sleeping on the couch instead of going back to his own apartment. Jessica came by often, transporting Jack to and from school and staying for dinner to try and help ease the tension that seemed to grow every day. She had read Spencer the riot act for what he’d done and the consequences of his actions. He took every word to heart and didn't bother to try and defend himself. He deserved it and he knew it. 

On the morning of the fourth day, Hotch came out of the bedroom, stopping at the end of the couch and looking at the young man sprawled beneath the thin blankets he’d pulled from the hall closet. Feeling eyes on him, Spencer slowly blinked his eyes open. He looked up into the flat, hard dark brown eyes watching him. There were so many emotions swirling there that he couldn't place one before it was replaced by another. 

“Hotch?” He asked, his voice rough from sleep. “Is everything alright? Are you okay?”

Aaron stared for several long moments before he whispered. “Go home, Reid.”

The voice was soft and low, barely more than a gravelly growl due to disuse and his healing injuries.

Spencer sighed as he sat up, the blankets that were covering him sliding to his lap and exposing his bare chest. He noticed a flare of desire and want flash across the strong features before it was gone. He would hold on, stand strong. He knew that Hotch was holding himself back because of Spencer’s betrayal but he was determined to earn that trust back, no matter what it took.

“I’m not going anywhere, Hotch. I made a mistake, a horrible mistake, that I can never repay you for but I’m not making a bigger mistake by leaving you alone, not again.”

“Not a child.”

Spencer snorted. “I never said you were. But I’m not going home and waiting for Jack to call me in a panic again. Do you realize what you did to him, Aaron? Do you know that he keeps waking up at night to check on you? That he’s been crying himself to sleep?”

Aaron stood frozen before slowly shaking his head. He hadn’t noticed. He had been so focused on his own anger and pain that he hadn’t seen how he was affecting his son. 

“He’s crying?”

Nodding slowly, Spencer pulled the blankets off his lap before rising to stand next to the older man. 

“You’re not the only one in this, Aaron. I hurt you, but you’re hurting Jack and me and the entire team. Don’t let your anger at me break him. You’re better than that.”

Taking a chance, Spencer reached up and placed his fingers under the strong jaw, turning Aaron’s face so they were staring into each other’s eyes.

“I only want what’s best for you, Aaron. If that’s not me, I’m willing to step aside but only after you’re well. If you really don’t want me anymore, you just have to say.”

They stood that way, staring at each other until Aaron leaned in, just a hint of a sway before he pulled away as if he’d been burned. But Spencer had seen it. A hint, a spark, a need that Aaron was fighting. It gave him hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t completely destroyed this thing between them after all.

“Go home,” Aaron whispered, quietly, before trudging back down the hallway to his bedroom, leaving Spencer, once again, all alone. He sighed, dropping his head. He knew he had a lot of work to do, a lot of ground to make up to get them back to where they had been, but he was determined to get there. 

The week passed quickly and quietly. Spencer left the house occasionally, running errands for the home or for himself. He never pushed Hotch too far but made sure the man was eating, taking his medication and basically following all of the doctor’s instructions. Appointments were made and kept, routines were followed and things went on as they had before, this time without the gentle touches, soft words and secret smiles. Spencer found that he missed them, truly missed it all and if the looks of longing he sometimes caught on Aaron’s face were any indicator, he missed them as well.

Spencer was sitting at the kitchen table, planning out the meals for the week as the nutritionist had suggested when Aaron walked in, staring at him from the doorway.

When Spencer looked up, Hotch whispered, “Thank you, Reid.”

Spencer smiled back, despite the pain in his heart at Aaron using his last name. “You’re welcome, Aaron. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“You’re back to work tomorrow?”

Nodding lightly, Spencer put his pen down before rising from the table to stand before the older man in the doorway. They stared at each other for several long minutes before he answered. “I think so. Unless you really want me to stay.”

“I think you’ve done enough.”

Spencer sighed, his heart breaking with the need to hold the other man close but knowing that it still wasn’t wanted. “Not even close, Hotch. I want us to get back to where we were, to what we were before I messed everything up. I want to be here for you and for Jack. I want to be Aaron and Spencer again.”

Deep brown eyes closed, pressed tightly together. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can.”

Spencer stood silent and waited until Aaron looked at him again. “It’s okay,” he whispered, not fully believing the words as they slipped from his lips. “I’m still not going anywhere. I’ll be checking in with you during the day so you’d better answer.”

“Back to that?” Aaron asked, a small smile on his face.

When Spencer smiled back, he was glad that it felt genuine, like they could move on to something else. “Back to that.”

************

The week that followed was mostly uneventful. Aaron had three appointments that week - one to follow up with Doctor Taylor about his throat, one with the dietitian and one with the therapist. Spencer wasn’t worried about the appointment with Doctor Taylor. He was sure that Aaron had followed the discharge orders as directed and he was satisfied that not only was his throat healing well, he noticed that Aaron was slowly putting on some weight as well. He knew they had been following the food plan as ordered and Aaron liked the idea of the dietitian giving him pointers for meals that both he and Jack could enjoy. It didn’t hurt that the woman also had a degree in sports medicine so she could talk in terms of proper fuel and nutrition to optimize Aaron’s performance for his next triathlon.

But Spencer **was** worried about the therapist. Like most of the members of the team, Aaron would know how to talk around any professional that was there to assess their mental health. It was a hazard of the profession. He thought about Prentiss and even Elle getting around the mandatory evaluations before they could return to duty. They weren’t considered the best of the best for no reason.

Aaron was scheduled to meet with Doctor Monroe Friday morning so on Thursday evening, Spencer made sure to bring the topic up.

“I understand that Doctor Monroe specializes in eating disorders,” he tried to say casually as he took a long drink of his tea. He saw the glare Aaron leveled at him over the rim of his cup. “She comes highly recommended.”

“Really, Reid?” Aaron complained quietly. He was still having a difficult time speaking due to his still healing throat but he was constantly doing better. “We’re going to do this? Isn’t it bad enough that you’re still insisting on coming over every night even though I told you I’m fine.”

“I like having Spencer here,” Jack said quietly, ducking his head as he took another bite of his mashed potatoes. 

Aaron sighed, knowing this was not the time to talk about all of this. Jack had become withdrawn and moody around him and Aaron knew that it was his fault. Between the surgery, the fight and then the scare the week before, the little boy’s world had been turned upside down.

“I know you do, Buddy. He’s been a big help.”

Spencer cleared his throat before leaning over to the young boy. “It’s just that you and your dad have been on your own for a while and he’s just not used to have someone else invading his space so much.”

“But you’ve been here and you’re helping. You cook and help me with my homework and we used to watch movies and there was kissing and now all you do is get mad at each other. I don’t like it.”

Aaron and Spencer just stared at each other for a little while before the older man whispered quietly back, “I don’t like it either, Buddy.”

“Me neither,” Spencer replied, staring deeply in Aaron’s eyes, trying to convey everything he was feeling to the man staring at him. 

“Then do something about it!” Jack nearly shouted. “That’s what you always tell me.”

They couldn’t argue with that. 

Finally, Spencer smiled. Out of the mouths of babes.

“Just promise me you’ll listen to what Doctor Monroe has to say and you’ll talk. That’s all I’m asking.”

He could see that Aaron was resistant, wanting to tell Spencer to mind his own business. Instead, he took another bite of his steak before nodding.

“It’s not a promise unless you said out loud,” Jack declared. “That’s what Mommy always said.”

Spencer smirked and Aaron looked up and chuckled lightly before meeting Spencer’s gaze. 

“I promise.”


	20. Time to Move On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting. RL happened and I didn’t get a chance to post.

The weeks passed quickly and Spencer wasn’t sure where the time went. He continued to go to Hotch’s apartment every night, helping Jack with his homework and keeping Hotch updated on the team. They were virtually grounded. So they stayed at Quantico, working on consults and custodial interviews or cases that were mostly local so they were home at night while the other teams took point on cases out of town. Jessica stopped by, often joining the men for dinner. Occasionally she would ask Spencer how things were going between the two men and the genius would just shrug. He and Aaron spoke, but it was still nothing like it had been before.

It was just over a week before Aaron was due to come back to work. It was a Friday evening and Jack was getting excited for Halloween, which was right around the corner. Spencer was listening intently as the young boy babbled about all that was happening for the holiday but he could feel Aaron’s gaze heavy on him. He turned and smiled at the older man, unable to determine what that look could mean.

“...and this friend of mine, Marcos, his family does this huge party every year so I might get to go.”

“That’s great, Jack,” Spencer smiled at the boy’s enthusiasm. “But your dad is still recovering. Maybe you should check and make sure he doesn’t need you at home or he could have plans for you both already.”

“Oh,” Jack said, turning to his father. “Do you?”

Aaron looked between the two of them. “I...well, no, not really. But it’s still a little ways away. We can look at it when it’s closer. But I’m feeling good and Doctor Taylor said I’m healing well so I don’t think you need to worry about having to take care of your old dad.”

“Awesome,” Jack said as he finished up his food before asking if he could be excused from the table.

“If Jack goes to Marcos’ house, maybe you could come to Garcia’s Day of the Dead party,” Spencer offered. “She’s really excited about it and it would be great to have you there with the whole team. I believe she’s making that spicy guacamole you like so much.”

“Yeah, she invited me.”

Spencer knew that Aaron had been talking with the technical analyst, finally working on mending the divide between them. He wondered if therapy was helping with that.

“She’s doing an alter and everything. We can bring pictures.”

Aaron just nodded. Spencer normally hated silences but they didn’t feel as awful, so gaping anymore. He wondered if they had changed or if it was just him that had changed.

“Doctor Monroe said something interesting today.”

Spencer’s head shot up. This was the first time Aaron had offered any information about his sessions with the therapist other than the fact that he liked the woman and felt comfortable around her. Maybe Hotch wasn’t simply going through the motions but really doing the work he needed to do to get better.

“Yeah? What did she say?”

“She made the observation that I have a tendency to keep others at arm's length, even those I trust like Dave.”

Spencer waited quietly, feeling the sting of not being included in that circle. He wondered if he should say anything or just let Aaron continue his thoughts. When he didn’t add anything, Aaron sighed.

“When I was about Jack’s age, I told my best friend, James, about my dad and what he was doing to me. I told him about the beatings and how I only got to eat if Dad decided I had deserved it and how my parents made a big deal when they thought I ate too much. James said I should tell his parents, that they would help me.”

When Aaron stopped, Spencer prompted, “Did they?”

“No.” Aaron sighed, his eyes closing tight. “His dad said I shouldn’t lie about such things and his mom called my mother to tell her the lies I was spreading. They didn’t want to believe me, even after I showed them my scars. My father was a popular man in our small town and my family was really good at seeming to be perfect from the outside looking in. I got beat so bad that night that I missed school for two days and I never told anyone else about my home life until Dave. Not even Haley knew, not really. I couldn’t bear to tell her all of it. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want her thinking that I would turn out like that.”

Spencer nearly gasped at the revelation. He hated knowing that at such a young age, Aaron had learned what pain was, learned not to trust people, not even his best friend.

“It’s hard for me.” The admission was barely more than a whisper. “She said I need to try.”

When Aaron opened his eyes, Spencer saw something there - hope, need, an openness he’d not seen in so long. “I’m going to try.”

Spencer smiled, sure that his face was going to hurt from the strength of it.

“That’s all I ask.”

*************

Everyone was happy to see Aaron come back to work. When Spencer saw him in the Roundtable Room, he could barely keep the smile off his face. He didn’t really realize how much they’d missed him, how much the team needed him there until that moment. He’d hoped they would get a moment or two to breathe and enjoy the moment but that was not meant to be. As soon as they walked in, he knew they had a case.

Utah was an odd case, one that Spencer was more than happy to put to rest. Whenever they had a case with an Unsub suffering from a mental illness, it seemed to linger in his headspace a little longer than others. He’d kept a close eye on Hotch, making sure that he ate like he was supposed to and see how he was handling returning to the field. He was pleased to see the older man eating, even slipping in snacks here and there between meals. The transition seemed pretty smooth and he was happy to note that Hotch wasn’t trying to overdo it, physically or mentally. 

They were all settled in the jet when the topic of the weekend came up.

“So, Penelope wants to know if everyone is coming over for the party so she knows how many eyeballs to wash,” JJ said, smiling and shaking her head at the odd request. Everyone murmured their replies until all eyes turned toward the Unit Chief. Hotch looked up from the report he was completing.

Seeing all eyes on him, he simply replied, “I don’t know.”

JJ turned pleading eyes toward Spencer, who merely shrugged. He couldn’t force the older man to go.

“You got the invitation, right Hotch?” Dave asked.

Sighing deeply, Aaron put the report down on the table before him.

“Yes, I got the invitation. Yes, Garcia asked me to come. No, I don’t know if I can make it or not. Jack might have plans or he might not. Nothing has been solidified yet. We will see, okay?”

Holding up his hands in surrender, Dave said, “Okay, okay. Just asking.”

As he turned back to his paperwork, Hotch whispered, “I’ll let you know.”

Spencer made his way over, settling into the seat opposite his boss. When he was sure he had Aaron’s attention, he quietly said, “It would be nice to get everyone together. We haven’t done that in a while.”

Aaron looked up him, simply lifting his eyes instead of his head. 

“I know you’re still upset with her and JJ but the ritual itself is pretty cathartic. It might help us both.”

“Help us what?”

Spencer smiled softly. “Move on?”

Hotch glared at him for several moments before he dropped his eyes and got back to work. 

Once they got back to Quantico, Spencer was surprised to see Aaron head straight to his office. He’d thought the Unit Chief would want to go straight home to his son, especially after this case. He followed him in, stopping at the door. Once Aaron noticed him there, he asked, “You’re not heading home?”

Hotch looked up as he settled behind his desk. “Jess has Jack and he’s fine. I talked to him earlier. I want to get this paperwork done before the weekend gets here. But you go on home, Reid. I’ll see you later.”

He took the dismissal for what it was. He wondered if he would be welcome in the man’s home now that Hotch was back to work. Aaron didn’t need Spencer to take care of him, the time in the field proved that, but it didn’t mean that Spencer didn’t still want to be involved in his life or his recovery. In truth, he wanted more.

Spencer had just walked away from the door when the brightly colored Technical Analyst rushed by him, slipping into the office he’d just left. He wondered what was happening, so he hung back to listen. He felt a little guilty for eavesdropping but quickly pushed it aside, justifying it by saying he wanted to make sure that Penelope didn’t stress Aaron out or that Aaron didn’t yell at the young woman.

“Are you sure you can’t come?”

“I said I don’t know, Garcia. I’m not sure what Jack’s plans are right now.”

“Oh.” She sounded so sad. “What if I promise not to do anything for your birthday?”

His birthday? Spencer shook his head. He’d nearly forgotten all about Aaron’s birthday. With everything else going on, it had completely slipped his mind. 

“I appreciate you keeping that quiet, Garcia. But like I said before, I’m not sure.” 

“Okay. I’ll save a glass of Pinot for you, you know, just in case. I got that one from Napa that you liked last time.”

“Thank you, Garcia.”

Spencer quickly slipped away, rushing down the stairs before the Technical Analyst hurried down the hallway toward her lair. He had plans to make.

*************

The party was nice. It was certainly something different for him. Spencer loved Halloween so he usually had some plans - most of them involving elaborate costumes and an obscene amount of pumpkins - but it was nice to try something new and different. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised to discover that Hotch wasn’t there and was most likely not coming, but Spencer was still hurt and he could tell Garcia was too. She was such a sensitive soul. He’d forgiven her long ago for retaliating against Beth for her part in Aaron’s trauma even though he had wished she had gone about it in another way. In all honesty, he couldn’t blame her. What she had done to get back at Hotch’s ex-girlfriend was pretty tame compared to some of the ideas that he’d had. 

They all milled around Garcia’s apartment, chatting and drinking as the time for the ritual grew near. 

There was a soft knock at the door and Penelope complained about the intruder until she opened the door and saw it was Hotch. 

“I thought you weren’t coming?” She asked as Aaron slowly stepped into the apartment.

Aaron looked everywhere but at Spencer. “Well, Jack got a last minute invitation to a sleepover so I thought, if it was okay…”

“Of course,” Garcia said before leaning close to whispered something Spencer couldn’t quite hear. Then she picked up the glass of red wine that she had poured and then left on the counter with no explanation. He couldn't help but smile when she handed it to Hotch and he took a appreciative sip, not even blinking at the eyeball floating happily in the glass.

Then they got started, each of them placing the pictures on the alter’s many levels, sharing who they were reaching out to and what they were leaving behind. 

Maeve’s picture sat next to Tesla’s, a fitting place for such a brilliant mind. Spencer didn’t need to say her name. They all knew. He smiled, happy to finally feel like he was truly letting her go.

Then he watched as Aaron opened his wallet, pulling out the small picture of Haley. He sat it next to a beautiful burning candle, never saying a word. He didn’t need to. Everything that needed to be said had already been spoken. 

Cheers were given and then they were all quiet, letting the gravity of the moment settle around them. They’d all lost someone and yet, here they were - living, loving and surviving.

After a few minutes, Garcia clapped her hands and turned the music up. She whirled around, distributing plates and trays of snacks and treats. She didn’t force any on Aaron, but he chose a few to nibble on. Standing quietly, looking at the pictures, Spencer felt the warm body sidle up next to him.

When he turned his head, he was surprised to see that it was Aaron standing there. 

“Tesla, huh?

Spencer snorted. “One of the most brilliant minds of our time.”

“One of.”

Aaron was watching him intently. It was nearly uncomfortable.

“I’m glad you came,” Spencer said eventually, feeling caught in that gaze.

“So am I.”

The silence settled again before Spencer asked, “So why’d you come?

“I decided it was time.”

Now Spencer was confused. He felt like he had missed an important piece of the conversation somewhere. Something clicked and he smiled at the older man. 

“Time to move on?”

“Time to choose happiness.”


	21. Another Trip Around the Sun

Spencer stood in the hallway, more nervous than he had been in a long time. He knew he really had no reason to be - he’d been here before - hell, he even still had a key. But somehow, this time felt different. 

Jessica had called and invited him over, saying that Aaron didn’t know so get there early. He was worried that maybe he was intruding if Hotch didn’t know he was going to be there but it was an invitation he wasn’t about to turn down. Besides, she and Jack came up with the plan so he firgured Hotch couldn’t couldn’t get too mad.

The door swung open and Jessica smiled at him, quickly waving him inside. 

“Hurry! They’re on their way back now.”

Spencer smiled at the excited woman, dragging the heavy cart behind him. They quickly hid the surprise in the bedroom. Spencer looked around, a little heartbroken at the sight of the tidy room he’d spent so much time in not so long ago. He missed that bedroom, cuddling the man who occupied it.

The phone in her pocket chimed again and Jessica pushed Spencer out toward the kitchen.

“They’re on the way up!”

They hid in the kitchen, waiting for their targets to arrive. The door unlocked and then they heard a muttered, “What the..?”

On cue, Jessica and Spencer jumped out of the kitchen as they joined Jack in yelling, “Surprise! Happy birthday!”

Spencer couldn’t help but laugh at the look on Aaron’s face. His deep brown eyes were wide as he took in the multitude of decorations, the black and white balloons littering the ceiling and the confetti strewn upon every available surface. 

Aaron smiled wide as he looked down at his son. 

“Is this why we just _**had**_ to take the long way home?”

Jack giggled as he jumped up and down with excitement. “Maybe? Were you surprised, Daddy? Were you?”

Reaching down, Aaron picked up his son, teasingly tickling his sides. “Yes, Jack. I was surprised. You got me.”

“Yay!” The boy shouted as he wiggled to get away from the fingers tickling his ribs. “Spencer said you have to work really hard to surprise a profiler.”

Aaron looked up, his eyes shining with joy, his dimples out in full force. “Spencer’s right. You sure did a good job.”

Jack was squirming, silently asking to be put down and as soon as Aaron had him on his feet, the boy ran over to the young genius.

“We got him, Spencer.”

They high fived each other as Jessica just laughed. 

“That was all you, Buddy,” Spencer said, looking up to meet Aaron’s eyes. He was happy to see that they other man was still smiling at him. “This really was Jack’s idea, Hotch.”

“I’m sure it was,” the other man said as he walked forward. He laid a strong, warm hand on Spencer’s arm, squeezing lightly as he said, “Thank you. This means a lot.”

They stood that way for several long moments, their smiles warm and wide. The moment was broken when Jack ran over and grabbed Aaron’s hand, dragging the birthday boy into the kitchen. Aaron froze, staring at the feast on the table before him. Chicken fried steak with pepper gravy, collard greens, red beans and rice, and cornbread in a cast iron skillet sat steaming surrounded by four plates.

“How…? When..?” 

Jessica laughed as Aaron stared at the food on the table. She walked over and nudged the older man with her shoulder. 

“Let’s just say you have friends in high places.”

“Dave.” Aaron shook his head, chuckling lightly as he walked over to sit in the chair that was obviously for him. “Come on,” he prompted, waving his hands toward the seats. “We’ve got to eat this while it’s hot.”

Spencer smiled as he sat across from Aaron, watching as the older profiler scooped up hearty servings of everything onto his plate before digging in. The rest of the party dug in, filling their plates and following suit. Spencer couldn’t help but chuckle as he watched Aaron’s bliss-filled face as he ate bite after bite of the traditional Southern fare. 

“I can’t believe he found someone who makes food like this. He had this catered?”

Jessica smiled.”Yeah, they came over right after you left with Jack. He left a card.”

Aaron looked over his shoulder to where Jessica was pointing. When he did, he noticed the obscenely large confection on the counter that he had previously missed.

“Oh, and Penelope stopped by with a cake.”

“Is that what you’re calling it?”

They all laughed except for Jack who just called out, “It’s chocolate!”

Dinner was eaten with relish. Spencer was surprised at how delicious everything was and even more pleased to see how much Aaron had eaten. When he was done, Aaron leaned back in his chair, resting his hand on his belly.

“That was amazing.”

Spencer sighed, matching Aaron’s pose. “I agree. I had no idea Southern cooking could be so good.”

“Yeah,” Jessica chimed in. “I had to stop before I made myself sick.”

They all froze, Jessica’s eyes wide as she realized what she said. Aaron just smiled at her and leaned forward, resting his hand over hers.

“Jess, it’s okay,” Aaron reassured her, a soft smile on his face. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it. I don’t want you to think you have to walk on eggshells around me.”

“Aaron, I didn’t…”

“I know.”

When dark brown eyes met his own, Spencer smiled. It was okay. He could see it in his eyes, feel it in Aaron’s smile.

“So, what’s next? Presents or cake?” Aaron asked. 

“Presents!” Jack shouted as he hopped up from his chair and ran out of the room. 

The three adults chuckled at the antics of the young boy before rising from the table to follow. When Jessica moved to start cleaning the table, Aaron stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm. “We can clean up later. Let’s do this together now.”

Spencer stood back, enjoying the moment. He wasn’t sure but it felt like this was something completely different, like somehow Aaron had turned a corner and was opening up, to all of them. 

They walked into the living room when Jack ran in with a roughly wrapped present. He walked right up to his father and thrust the present at him.

“I wrapped it myself,” he proclaimed proudly. 

“Wow,” Aaron replied. “It looks awesome, Buddy. You did a great job.”

“Open it.”

Aaron chuckled at his son’s enthusiasm as he began to pull apart the paper and tape, surprised to see a box full of..golf balls?

“Thanks, Buddy?” He said, confusion coloring his voice. 

“Do you like it?” Jack asked, his face and voice was pensive as he looked up at his father from beneath his floppy bangs.

“Of course, Jack. I love it.”

Jack smiled, obviously pleased at his gift being received so well. “Uncle Dave’s present next!” He shouted before running into the kitchen, returning with the large envelope in his hands. Aaron took it as Jack thrust it at him in his enthusiasm. Chuckling, Aaron opened the envelope and pulled out the card. Looking inside, he smiled as he slowly read the contents. The words had him frozen, as if they suddenly weren’t making sense. 

“What..?” He asked as he looked up between Jessica and Spencer. “What is this?”

“What does it say?” Spencer asked with a smile.

“It’s a one year membership at the country club that Dave belongs to. He’s been trying to get me out there for ages.” He smirked slightly before he asked, “Okay. What is going on, you two?”

Spencer chuckled as he looked at Jack. “Wanna go get the rest for me Jack?”

“Yeah!” The young boy shouted as he sprinted down the hallway before he was rushing back, pulling a golf bag on a pull cart behind him. Aaron’s eyes grew wide, shocked at the present.

Spencer nudged him with his shoulder. “It’s a set of left-handed clubs. Jess and I went in on the present together. You’ll need to go in and get sized properly for them. They may need to be reshafted, depending on what kind of stroke you have, but they will do some testing to see. And don’t worry about the cost. It’s included in the price of the clubs.”

“But...why? How?”

“I heard you asking Morgan questions last week,” Spencer explained. “I know Doctor Taylor released you to go back to your normal physical activity routine and Doctor Monroe suggested something different. Golf seems like a good fit. Morgan and Dave have already offered to take you out on the links.”

Aaron just smiled, shaking his head lightly. “What if I’m terrible and I hate it?”

“Then you’re not out any money or anything,” Jessica said. “And you can enjoy spending time with the guys outside of the office.”

“I guess you’re right.”

They sat and smiled at each other until Aaron finally stood and took a club out of the bag, holding it up and looking at it, inspecting the club face before holding it lightly, taking a practice swing despite the fact he had no idea what he was doing.

Their eyes locked and Spencer felt as if he couldn’t breathe. 

“Thank you,” Aaron said, his eyes shining with something that Spencer couldn’t quite define. 

“You’re welcome,” he whispered in response. 

“Well,” Jessica said as she loudly clapped her hands together. “Looks like it’s time for cake! Wanna come help me, Jack?”

“Yay cake!” The boy shouted as he as thundered into the kitchen, leaving his aunt to follow after him. 

Aaron and Spencer chuckled as they listened to the boy as he whooped and hollered, chanting over and over, “Chocolate cake - chocolate cake.”

“You didn’t have to do all this,” Aaron said over the cheering boy. 

“I know. But I wanted to.”

The two men just sat, staring at each other.

“So you just happened to overhear Morgan and I talking about golf and that’s what brought all of this on?”

Spencer chuckled, ducking his head before looking up beneath the fringe of his long hair. “Well, I may have talked to Doctor Taylor to make sure that the activity would be alright with your recovery...and talked to Dave about where you could golf… and asked Morgan about lessons and where to get clubs...and had Garcia help me with research about golf.”

They stared at each other.

“Why?”

“Because. I lo…”

“Cake!” Jack shouted as he ran back into the room with a plate in each hand. He handed first one his father and then one to Spencer. The two men stared at each other, before they started laughing. “What?” Jack asked, confused at what he had missed.

The cake was consumed with a minimal amount of mess although Jack ended up with nearly as much frosting on his face as he did in his mouth. Garcia’s Death by Chocolate cake was gooey and messy and the boy had eaten it so fast it was everywhere. It had been a long night and Jessica offered to put the boy in the bath while Spencer agreed to clean up in the kitchen. When Aaron tried to help, both Jessica and Spencer declined, telling him that it was his birthday, that he had the night off. 

Aaron wasn’t having it. He followed Spencer and insisted on helping - packing the food in the refrigerator and rinsing off dishes before handing them to Spencer as he filled the dishwasher. In no time they had the table cleared, the food packed away and dishes ready to be washed. Spencer was getting ready to turn from where he was standing wiping down the counter, when he felt arms come around him, bracketing him in against the counter. Slowly, he turned his head.

“Aaron?” He asked.

“What were you going to say?”

“What?” Spencer asked he was slowly turned, pressing his back into the counter to look at the man nearly brushing his front. 

“What were you going to say before Jack came in?”

Spencer sighed. He swallowed as he looked into the chocolate eyes boring into his soul. Before, in the heat of the moment, he’d nearly blurted out something that might end the tenuous friendship they were building. But he didn't want to lie either. He faltered and then Aaron leaned in, his lips just a hair's breadth away from his own.

“I...I…” Spencer whispered until Aaron leaned forward, breaching the distance between them. The kiss was soft and chaste, so gentle that it was barely there at all. Spencer sighed. 

It was perfect.

“Yay! Kissing!” Jack yelled as he ran into the kitchen, hugging both men around their legs.

They laughed, Aaron pulling away to hug his son as Spencer ducked his head, hiding his blush in his hair.

“Does this mean Spencer’s going to start staying the night again?”

The boy looked up with them with so much hope in his eyes that Spencer couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Maybe. That’s something your dad and I will have to talk about. But for tonight, I think I need to go home.”

“Awwww,” Jack pouted, his lip pushing out and his eyes turning sad. “Will you come by tomorrow?”

Spencer looked up at Aaron. 

“Yeah, will you?” Aaron asked as he adopted the same look as his son. 

Spencer’s smile was nearly blinding. “Yeah. Yeah, I will.”


	22. One Step Forward

Time moved on as it always did. Spencer came over to the Hotchner home at least every other day, much to the delight of the two Hotchner men. Jack was happy to have his homework and science buddy back and Aaron was pleased to have someone for adult conversation with in the evenings. Despite being fully released back to work, Aaron continued to see Doctor Monroe as they worked through his many issues. Spencer was very relieved to hear that the Unit Chief wasn’t shying away from the hard work of recovery despite his knowledge and ability to talk circles around just about any psychologist. 

Aaron often came home after his sessions, ready to share some new revelation with the young genius when he made his way over to the apartment. Spencer told him, more than once, that Aaron didn’t have to do it but the older man just smiled and said that he wanted to, that it made him feel better by sharing it with him. 

But it wasn’t all rainbows and roses. Aaron still had a hard time with certain things, particularly on cases. Spencer would have to remind him to eat and even then Aaron was often resistant. He had grown so used to denying himself on cases, eating little to nothing when they were in the field, that having regular meals was hard. During one particularly difficult case, the Unit Chief actually snapped at Spencer, physically removing his arm when Spencer sat the plate of food before him and rested his hand on his shoulder. Hotch had immediately apologized but Spencer recognized the reaction for what it was - resistance. 

Aaron had come home after that next therapy session with slumped shoulders and a frown on his face. After dinner that night, Spencer had asked what had happened. Aaron refused to talk about it with Jack around. 

Once the young boy had been tucked away and put to bed, Spencer had dragged Aaron to the couch, settling down next to him.

“So? Spill.”

It took a few moments before the older man spoke. 

“I thought I was over it.”

Spencer waited but there was no elaboration coming. He hadn’t needed to prompt Aaron for a while and he was concerned.

“Aaron?”

Sighing, Aaron rubbed his forehead before leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Beth,” he whispered. “Someone during the case made a reference to my weight, saying I was putting some weight back on. I know it was meant as a complement but my mind immediately heard her telling me how big I was getting, telling me I had a Buddha belly.”

Spencer still had not forgiven the woman for giving Aaron so many insecurities. Now he wanted to let Garcia have at her again.

“I was so close to running to the bathroom to, you know, and then you were there with that damned sandwich.” He sighed as he sat up, throwing himself against the back of the couch. “I couldn’t figure out why I was so mad at you. But I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at me.”

Spencer watched the play of emotions cross the other man’s face, amazed at how open he could be when he wasn’t hiding away. “Aaron,” he whispered as he laid a gentle hand on the strong shoulder. “It’s okay. This is something that has been developing for years. You didn’t get this way overnight and it’s not just going to go away just because you want it to. You are so much better and you will continue to get better if you keep putting in the work like you are doing.”

“Why?” he asked, peering at the young man, his brow furrowed in thought. When Spencer only tilted his head at him, Aaron continued. “Why do you bother with me? I’m broken, damaged. Hell, I’m a mess.”

Spencer snorted a soft laugh, smiling at his friend. “It gets better, Aaron. I promise it gets better. There may be things that come up that will trigger you from time to time. No one knows that better than me. I still get cravings sometimes. It’s not as bad anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have them. But I get past them and you will too. It takes time and support. Right now, all I can give you is the support. Time will come.”

Aaron nodded as best he could leaning against the back of the couch. Spencer waited patiently until a single, dark brown eye cracked open to look at him. 

“I promise,” he whispered.

Aaron couldn’t help the smile that broke out across his face, completely changing his countenance. Spencer couldn’t help but smile back.

Several weeks later found them in Blake’s neck of the woods - Kansas City. The case was awful and brutal and it seemed to bring up a lot of issues for a few members of the team, Spencer in particular. He noticed Aaron was watching him at the Miller home. Everyone was excited to have a day off to enjoy some time with Blake’s family with a lovely outdoor barbecue but Aaron was watching him as he toasted the evening with a handful of chips instead of a beer like everyone else. Spencer smiled as he watched Aaron eat and enjoy the dinner, knowing that even a year before, he wouldn’t have eaten like he had, if at all.

Spencer saw Aaron watching him on the jet. He wondered how long he could delay the conversation that he knew was coming but he figured there was no way to stop Hotch, knowing he wasn’t going to let it go.

Once they were back at Quantico, they all began to split up and head to their desks. Spencer froze when he head Aaron call out, “Reid. My office.”

His heart jumped into his throat. He wondered what Hotch wanted. He looked around, shrugging his shoulders at the questioning looks from his teammates, before quickly making his way up the stairs to his boss's office. Once inside, Aaron softly ordered, “Close the door.”

Spencer followed the direction before making his way to the seat before the desk Aaron was settled behind, clasping his hands together in his lap. 

After a moment of silence, Aaron asked, “How are you doing?”

That was not what he had been expecting so he just nodded and did his best to avoid eye contact.

“I’m fine.”

Aaron nearly chuckled as he shook his head. “Now I know why you hate it so much when I say that.”

Spencer smiled back at him. He did hate hearing that word fall from Aaron’s lips. Fine never meant the man was fine. Now he knew it was true for Aaron as well.

“Did you drive in?”

Spencer paused, wondering at the question. “No. I took the Metro in today.”

“Good. Get your go-bag. You’re going with me.”

“Where?”

“Mine. Jack is staying with Jess tonight. Besides, I think we need to talk.”

Spencer wondered at that. He’d not been over to Aaron’s without Jack there since they’d had the fight. It made him wonder what it was Aaron wanted to talk about. They quickly finished the work they needed to do before Hotch excused everyone for the evening and escorted Spencer out of the building and into his car. 

The drive was mostly silent between the two men. Aaron made some small talk, mostly about Blake and her family, skillfully avoiding talking about the case directly.

Once they got to Aaron’s apartment, they quickly slipped inside, each of the settling their things down, kicking off shoes, getting comfortable. Aaron slipped into the kitchen, calling out to Reid to sit on the couch. Soon the older man came out carrying two cups of tea, handing one over to Spencer who accepted it gratefully. He waited patiently for Hotch to get to whatever it was he wanted to talk about.

Settling on the couch, their thighs touching slightly, they sipped the tea, letting the silence linger.

Aaron finally broke the silence by whispering, “They called me a bully.” 

Spencer frowned for a moment before he asked, “Who?”

“The team. JJ specifically.”

Spencer shook his head, shocked at the revelation. “When? I can’t imagine her saying that.”

“Georgia. When you called me a narcissist, I asked the team to say what my biggest fault was and once I got them started, it was like they couldn’t stop. JJ called me a bully so quick, like it was how she saw me, like that was her first thought about me. It hurt more than I’d like to admit.”

Spencer sat and processed that information for a few moments. “Do you think you’re a bully?”

“No!” Aaron answered quickly before taking a deep breath. “I’d like to think I’m not. But as soon as they started to tell my faults, they just couldn’t stop.”

Spencer reached out, laying his hand on the older man’s arm. “I don’t think you’re a bully and I’ve known a lot of bullies in my lifetime.”

“I know. That’s why I was worried about you.”

Dropping his head, Spencer took a deep breath before whispering, “It was hard...this case. Knowing that someone was forced to walk in front of the whole school in women’s underwear? It's a little too close to what happened to me, you know? At least back then there were no cell phones for my humiliation to be recorded and posted all over the internet.”

“Thank god for small favors, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Aaron said after several long minutes of silence. 

Spencer smiled at him, pleased at the other’s man confession of compassion. “Thanks. It totally sucked but you know what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”

“It still shouldn’t have happened.”

They sat together for several moments just looking at each other. Aaron reached over, softly plucking the now lukewarm cup of tea from Spencer’s fingers. Once he’d placed it on the small table before them, he turned to face him fully, their knees pressed together. Spencer sat silent, waiting in anticipation until slowly one large hand came up to cup his cheek. A warm, callused thumb gently rubbed his jawline as deep, chocolate eyes bore into his own. His breath caught as he was slowly pulled in until Aaron’s nose brushed against his. They’d kissed, several times in fact, but this felt different. Somehow, this time, it felt real, like there was a weight behind it, like something was different. Their eyes locked as they shared breath before Aaron breached the distance, kissing him softly. They moved together, slowly exploring, as if this was the very first time. In some ways, it was. It was the first time of this truth between them.

Aaron’s hand shifted, slipping behind his head to tangle his fingers in the curling locks. Spencer gasped when they pulled lightly, sending frissons of pleasure all through his body. As his lips parted, Aaron took control, darting his tongue out to lick at the seams, dipping into the cavern of Spencer’s mouth. Eagerly, Spencer’s tongue came out to join in the play, tentatively tangling with Aaron’s before he gained confidence and began to explore more forcefully. Aaron sighed against his lips, pulling him closer and closer until Spencer finally moved up and over, climbing up to straddle Aaron’s lap. His own hands came up to tangle in short, dark hair. He tugged and pulled, smiling into the kiss when Aaron moaned as he pulled, mimicking Aaron’s own actions.

Finally, Spencer pulled away, resting his forehead against Aaron’s. He took a few deep breaths before quietly asking, “What’s happening, Aaron?”

“I need you,” Aaron confessed, his voice rough and full of need. “I’m tired of fighting myself, of denying myself. Is this okay?”

Spencer smiled. “So much more than okay.”

Aaron pulled him down then, attacking his mouth with a passionate fervour unlike any Spencer had ever known. Teeth clashed and lips mashed together as they pressed in close to one another. The brush of the hardness against his own made him gasp, pulling his head away as he pressed his body in closer.

“Please,” he groaned before strong hands wrapped under his thighs as Aaron quickly stood, lifting him up before setting him down on his feet.

“Will you come with me to the bedroom?” Aaron asked, his eyes pleading as much as he body was trembling.

Spencer could only smile. “Yes.”

Spencer found he couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he was pulled down the hall toward Aaron’s bedroom. As soon as they were through the door, strong fingers were on him, pulling at him, ripping the shirt tails from his pants as fingers danced over the smooth, pale skin. Spencer gasped at the feeling. It was something that he’d wanted for so long that now that he had it, he didn’t want it to end. Buttons were pulled from their holes and as more skin was exposed, Aaron took more time to touch and explore, mapping out the planes of his flesh. His shirt fluttered to the floor and Spencer shuddered at the sudden chill on his heated skin.

When Aaron pulled away to start on his own shirt, Spencer batted his hands away, smirking at the hurt look on his lover’s face. He just smiled as he first pulled the knot from the tie loose, tossing the beautiful silk onto the chair closest to the bed, before he began to work on the buttons of the crisp dress shirt. It too followed the tie on the chair.

Spencer stepped back to look at the man before him. He took in the body he had longed for for so long. He looked over every mark, every scar. He was happy to see that Aaron had filled out since the last time he had seen the man in any state of undress. He reached out, tracing a single fingertip over the uppermost scar, the one closest to his heart. Aaron gasped when Spencer ran his finger gently over the ridged skin. He moved from one to the other, before finally running over the long surgery scar.

“I...I know…” Aaron started. Spencer silenced him with a soft press for his lips. 

“You are a beautiful man, Aaron,” he said as his hands continued to touch and explore. “Don’t ever think that any of this will turn me away or make me see you as anything but amazing. Every mark, every scar only makes you more unique, more you. I’ll never tire of looking at you.”

Aaron let him touch, do what he wanted until he couldn’t take anymore. He caught Spencer's fingers in his own before he pulled him back in, clutching the younger man to his chest. 

“Thank you,” he whispered against Spencer’s parted lips.

“For what?”

“For just being you.”

Spencer chuckled. “I don’t know how to be anyone else.”

“Thank god.”

Spencer groaned as blunt fingernails dragged down his back before strong hands reached down to grab his ass, forcing his hips forward, grinding their cocks together. He gasped at the delicious feeling, worried that if they kept this up, everything would be over before it truly began.

Forcing his head away, Spencer gasped, “Aaron. Please.”

Warm lips moved over his jaw, up to his ear before licking down his neck. The combination of soft skin and rough stubble was caused him to shiver and shake. A gentle bite at the juncture of his neck and shoulder caused him to cry out before he placed both hand firmly on Aaron’s chest, forcing him away. His fingers began to tear at his belt in his desperation to rid himself of his pants. Aaron stepped forward, gripping his fingers firmly before pulling him in for a soft kiss. 

Aaron shushed him softly. “I’ll get you there, Spencer. I don’t want to rush this.”

“It’s been too long, Aaron,” Spencer complained, his breath coming in hard pants. “I’ve wanted you for so long and now with all of this - it’s all too much. I need you.”

Warm lips brushed his own again, starting slow and soft before the flames of their passion was at a fever pitch once again. Hands moved over every bit of flesh they could reach before Aaron’s fingers deftly opened Spencer belt and pants before he let go, letting gravity drag them to the floor. As soon as the loud clang of the metal hitting the floor sounded in the room, Aaron fell to his knees, stripping the younger man of his underwear, socks and shoes.

Standing naked with his boss and lover on his knees before him was nearly too much and Spencer felt his own knees threaten to buckle when Aaron leaned forward to lick away the small bead of precum resting on the tip of his hardness. Aaron’s hands came up to rest on his thighs, holding him up. 

“Aaron,” he groaned, half in plea, half in warning.

Aaron shushed him again, turning his lust blown eyes up to Spencer. “Let me have this,” he begged. “I just want to taste you.”

Spencer gasped, shocked at the confession. He nodded softly, closing his eyes against the delicious vision of his lover taking him in. Luckily, Aaron didn’t drag it out, just took his time to lick and taste, lightly sucking and bobbing over the length in his mouth. Blessedly quickly, he pulled off before softly ordering, “On the bed.”

Scrambling to comply, Spencer moved to the bed, pulling down the covers before settling directly in the middle. He turned to watch as Aaron stood beside the bed, close enough for Spencer to see easily but not close enough to touch. Torturously slowly, Aaron opened his belt before slipping it out of his belt loops before tossing it on the chair with the rest of his clothes. The button and zipper followed before the black trousers were removed and joined all the rest with socks and shoes tucked underneath.

Spencer swallowed hard, looking at that glorious body before him. Aaron really was filling out nicely again. Golf had helped trim his waist and his thighs and arms were looking defined instead of emaciated. When Aaron reached down and began to stroke his cock, Spencer let out an audible moan.

“You asked me to wait before,” Aaron said, his voice rough with lust. “I’m done waiting. I’m better. You’re better. Are you ready for me, Spencer?”

“Yes,” he whispered, his voice sounding wrecked even to his own ears. “God yes.”

“Good.”

The smile on Aaron’s face was nearly predatory as he reached over to open the drawer of his nightstand, retrieving a bottle, settling it on the bed by Spencer’s head. He settled himself above him, bracing himself to hover over Spencer’s body. They were barely touching but the heat from Aaron’s body left Spencer shivering in need.

They stayed that way, staring at each other, sharing their breath. Slowly, Aaron settled down, blanketing Spencer with his body, with his weight.

“Spencer,” he whispered, his eyes full of need. “Can I have you?”

He smiled, nodding wildly. “Yes. Please, Aaron.”

He was kissed within an inch his life then, Aaron taking and giving and not letting him breathe. He found himself gasping when the older man broke away. Silently, the tube was grabbed, opened and then slick fingers found their way down, past his balls, past his perineum and then down to his hole. Spencer couldn’t help but gasp at the feeling when a single fingertip made its way inside, slowly breaching his body. He arched and gasped, his hips rolling as he tried to get more. Aaron eventually complied, taking his time to inflame and prepare his lover. Their eyes remained locked as one finger became two and Aaron continued to add more and more slick inside him. Finally, Spencer was unable to wait any longer and he reached up, gripping Aaron’s hair in a tight, unrelenting grip.

“I’m ready. Aaron please.”

The older man nodded, pulling his fingers free before I wiping them on the sheets. He knelt up pouring more lube out over his cock, running his hand over his length, eyes still locked with Spencer’s own. 

“Like this or do you want to roll over? I don’t want to hurt you or…”

“No!” Spencer nearly shouted. “Like this. I want to see you.”

Aaron just nodded, watching silently as Spencer pulled his legs up, bringing his knees up to his chest, exposing himself to his soon to be lover. Aaron’s eyes nearly glazed over in desire as his lust skyrocketed. 

“Yes,” he groaned as he braced himself over the prone body, using his left hand to direct his cock to the needy, open hole. As he pressed forward, they both gasped as Spencer’s body strained and fought against the intrusion until finally - _finally_ \- he was there, past that first barrier and sinking inside. As he pressed in further, Spencer brought his legs up, wrapping his lean thighs around the trim waist, digging his heels into the toned ass, silently begging for more, please, more.

After much too long, Spencer felt the press of hipbones against his ass as Aaron was finally fully seated inside. They paused, frozen, staring at each other. They waited, this moment of perfection forever burned in their memory. Finally, Spencer squeezed his thighs, ached his back, silently begging for more. Aaron pulled out slowly before rolling his hips and sinking inside once again. The pace was slow, nearly torturous, as Aaron took his time, learning the feeling of Spencer, the tight heat surrounding him, the sweat slicked warm skin beneath him. 

This was good. It was so good but Spencer wanted more. He needed more. 

“Aaron, please,” he begged, his fingers scrambling over the strong back before reaching down to grip the clenching cheeks, urging him on. “I need you.”

“Yes,” Aaron groaned before pulling nearly all the way out before slamming back in, knocking the breath from Spencer’s body. He gasped at the pleasure that shot through his entire body, making his eyes roll back in his head. The pace was brutal, punishing and Spencer moaned at the perfection of it all. They came together, again and again. The sounds of their breathing harsh, the slaps of skin filling the silence. Lips and tongues and teeth explored all the skin they could reach - necks, cheeks, ears. Whispered words of needs and desire were traded, the deep voice rolling over Spencer, ratcheting his desire even higher.

It felt so delicious, Spencer didn’t want it to end but he knew they couldn’t hold on forever. When Aaron shifted to one elbow and reached down to wrap his fingers around his cock, he cried out at the pleasure of it all. Aaron stoked him in a perfect rhythm, his cock and hand bringing him closer and closer to that edge.

Finally, he was there, crashing over that edge, coming harder than he ever had in all his life. It felt like it went on and on. His eyes were shut tight, as he called out Aaron’s name. Just as he was coming down, he heard his name whispered, soft and needy, a desperate plea. He opened them in time to watch the moment Aaron Hotchner broke apart at the seams. Mouth parted, eyes wide open, body straining, Aaron came calling his name.

Spencer sighed, clutching his lover to his chest as the older man slowly began to calm down, catching his breath. Tears prickled at the corner of his eyes. 

This was everything he’d ever wanted and more than he’d dared to dream of.

They needed to talk, he knew that. But that could come later. Now he would enjoy this moment, bask in the glow of this love.


	23. Are You Hungry?

He woke up warm and comfortable for the first time in much too long. As the blanket of sleep began to lift around him, he realized that that he was feeling this way because of the body that was in his arms, pressing against his front. 

_Spencer_ his mind supplied. 

Aaron felt a smile break out across his face as the warm glow of love bloomed under his skin. He dropped nose into the fragrant curls before him. Breathing deeply, the closed his eyes as he catalogued every scent he could identify - sweet, spicy, sweat and sex - each smell unique to the man in his arms.

His arms tightened around Spencer’s body, pressing against the warm flesh as his fingertips trailed over the smooth skin. He couldn’t believe he was here, that this was actually happening. It was something he had wanted for so long but never thought would happen. After his collapse and surgery followed by their fight, he was sure they were never going to be together. But then Spencer fought for them, showed him that he was not going to give up, that he was willing to stick it out even when things got tough. 

Aaron trailed his fingertips over the smooth skin, smiling again as Spencer whimpered and shivered in his sleep. The trust of the man in his arms and the feeling of the body he desired trembling at his touch was bringing his desire back to life. He slowly rolled his hips, gently thrusting his cock against the warm flesh, sighing at the feeling of Spencer’s ass cradling him so perfectly.

But even the feeling of pleasure and desire was not enough to shut off his swirling thoughts. He couldn’t help but worry that he would do something to mess this up, that he would slip up, would fail just like he had with Haley. He worried that would fail Spence by falling back into his old habits, that something would set him off and he’d be right back to where he started.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Spencer complained quietly.

Aaron chuckled as he stilled, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of Spencer's neck. 

“Sorry,” he apologized, placing sloppy, open mouth kisses on all the flesh he could reach. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Reaching back, Spencer gripped his hip, pulling him forward again. “I didn’t mean you should stop. I didn’t know you’d wake up ready to go, especially after last night.”

Aaron chuckled, sending shivers of pleasure through the body in his arms. “I can’t imagine ever getting enough of you.”

Trailing his fingers down Spencer’s stomach, Aaron wrapped his hand around the awakening desire of his lover. He brought his lips up to the shell of the ear before him, nipping lightly before whispering, “I do love a good fuck first thing in the morning.”

Spencer moaned as he hardened in Aaron’s hand. The older man had discovered the night before that Spencer had quite the kink for Aaron talking dirty to him in the heat of the moment. They stayed like that for several long moments - Aaron rocking into the cleft of his ass while he continued to stroke Spencer to full hardness. Finally, Spencer reached back, tangling his fingers in the short strands, pulling Aaron into a rough, needy kiss.

“Please,” he begged, “Take me.”

Aaron moved to shift the younger man onto his back but Spencer stopped him.

“No. Like this.”

When he lifted his leg, opening himself up, Aaron groaned. He reached behind himself until he found the lube and slicked up his cock. Shifting until he was in just the right position, Aaron pressed forward, easily slipping inside Spencer’s well used hole. They both groaned, lost in the pleasure of being joined together once again. Unlike the rough, needy, near desperate coupling of the night before, this was lazy and sweet. Aaron rolled his hips and stroked the hardness in his hand, completely taking care of Spencer while the younger man just let himself be loved. 

Aaron’s orgasm surprised him as it rolled through his body, completely overtaking him. “I love you,” he whispered over and over with each throb of his cock.

Spencer shuddered in his arms and when Aaron was fulfilled, he gently pulled out before turning Spencer onto his back, leaning down to take the still hard cock in his mouth. Spencer gasped and cursed as Aaron swallowed him down and in no time he was arching and crying out, spilling himself down the older man’s throat.

Aaron smiled as he sat up, crawling over the lean body beneath him. 

“Good morning,” he whispered, looking down into glazed, hazel eyes.

Spencer smiled back at him. “A very good morning.”

They kissed lazily, just tasting and touching, happy to be doing just this, right here, right now. Just as things started to get heated once again, a small sound was heard.

Aaron sighed as he pulled back, resting his forehead against Spencer’s. 

“That’s Jessica,” he explained, as he leaned over to pull the cell phone from the charging station. He thumbed open the phone before answering, “Hi Jess. Spencer’s here and you’re on speaker.”

“Oh, really?” She sounded much too pleased to Aaron. “Well, we’re glad you’re both there.”

“We?’

“I’m here too, Dad!” Jack shouted. 

They all chuckled before Jessica continued, “We were just talking about breakfast and Jack mentioned that he wanted pancakes from Mary’s Diner.”

“Oh, the chocolate chip ones?” Spencer asked.

Jessica chuckled. “Those are the ones. So what do you say? Meet us there in half an hour?”

Aaron stared down at the young man beneath him, looking at the sweat and cum-slicked skin. “Make it an hour.”

Jessica giggled at that and Aaron just shook his head. “If you insist,” she said. “We’ll see you then.”

The phone disconnected and Aaron dropped it on the bed by Spencer’s before blanketing Spencer’s body with his own, taking his mouth in a gentle kiss. Pulling away, he braced himself over the other man, staring into his eyes. All he saw shining back at him was love and need and complete trust - everything he felt for the man beneath him. 

Coming to a decision, Aaron decided to blurt it out before he changed his mind.

“Stay with us.”

Spencer smiled. “Of course. I’d love to go to with breakfast with you.”

“No,” Aaron clarified. “Stay with us. Here. Move in.”

Spencer stared at him, his eyes wide with shock. “Move in?”

“Yeah. You’ve been here so much anyway. We know Jack wants you here and now that I’ve woken with you in my arms, I don’t know if I can sleep without you.”

“Oh, I see how you are. You just want me for a giant teddy bear.”

Aaron chuckled as he leaned down to peck a kiss on the cheeky smirk. 

“Yep, you caught me. Can’t put anything past you.”

Spencer reached up, cupping Aaron’s cheek and brushing his thumbs over the cheekbones he loved so. “Do you mean it? You really want me to move in?”

Aaron paused and thought about it. Was it what he wanted? Suddenly, he realized it was. He wanted Spencer to come home with him at night, to help Jack with his homework, to help make dinner, to share his bed and his life.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” When Spencer didn’t answer, he whispered, “Please.”

“Okay.” Then Spencer pulled him down, pressing a kiss to his lips, showing him all the love, want and desire in his heart. 

For the first time in a long time, Aaron felt full.

When they finally pulled apart, Aaron smiled, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “We should probably shower soon or Jack and Jessica will wonder where we are.”

“What’s the matter, Aaron? Are you hungry?”

With a look of love and longing, Aaron smirked at Spencer as he climbed off the bed before taking his hand and pulling him into his arms.

“I’m starving.”

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for going on this journey with me. This just started with the simple idea of ‘what if Aaron had an eating disorder’ and here we are over 43k words later. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone for all the comments and kudos and words of encouragement. They mean a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> I am planning regular updates of this until it is complete.


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